The Best of the “Open Letters To…”

01.28.2007 | 9:58 pm

A Very Special Note from Fatty: Last week’s contest to win the ridiculously cool Twin Six Speedy Jersey was huge. I’m really glad that I long ago learned my lesson and no longer force myself to actually choose an entry I like best, instead going for the extremely-clever selection technique of choosing a random comment, and if I like it, it’s the winner.

This time, the first random comment I landed on was Diego Noronha’s, who had the good sense to post the 63rd entry. Diego, email me with your address, and I’ll get that jersey to you. Hey, send a photo of you sporting this jersey when you get it, wouldja?

Another Very Special Note from Fatty: Tomorrow I’ll be launching the first-ever Fat Cyclist photo contest, provided I manage to finish figuring out this Gallery software. Kenny’s Photo (hey, check out the ad in the sidebar) will be giving the winner $100 credit in prints at his site as well as a professionally enlarged and sprayed print of your winning photo — as in 16″ x 20″ or 16″ x 24″, whatever works best with the shot. How’s that for cool? As usual, entering costs you nothing. Start looking for your best cycling-related photos now!

A Less-Special But Hopefully Somewhat Clarifying Note From Fatty for The Folks Surfing Here From the Bloggies Site: Here at Fat Cyclist, rather than asking my advertisers for money, I ask them to fork over some of their product or service. Then I give it away in a weekly (unless I get lazy) contest. This way my advertisers get a bunch o’ bounce for their buck, my readers discover that my advertisers have really cool products, and I get…um…I get…uhhhh…I get to not have to figure out where blog income fits on my income taxes. It’s Win-win-win! Huzzah!

So just in case you haven’t already made up your mind in voting in the Bloggies’ Best-Kept Secret category, feel free to ask yourself, “Of all the blogs I read, which is most likely to actually give me something in return?

Not that I’m trying to bribe you or anything.

At least, not at the moment.

Although, now that I think about it….

The Best of the “An Open Letter To…” Series
Little by little, I’m trying to move some of the popular entries from my old MSN Spaces site over here. Today I’m going with my “Open Letter To…” stuff (by the way, check out To Whom It May Concern, another one of the Bloggies Best Kept Secret finalists. This blog does excellent open letters three times a week).  

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Answer a Dumb Question, Win the Coolest Jersey in the World

01.22.2007 | 1:15 pm

A Special Note from Fatty: Today’s post is going to bounce around like a pinball machine. First, I will talk about three cool things. Then I will use a weak transition to rathole on a spurious philosophical question. I will follow up this spurious question by launching an extraordinarily cool contest. Then I will conclude by reinstating a neglected tradition of my blog. Please hang tight. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

The First Cool Thing
Back when I was asking people for Christmas gift ideas, a few of you pointed me toward Twin Six. I checked out their site, and basically fell in love with their work. These guys design the awesomest-looking jerseys anywhere.

I liked what they were doing so much, in fact, that I started hounding them relentlessly, hoping I could get them to join the Fat Cyclist Ads for Schwag program. To do so, I did all of the following:

  • Begged: I wheedled and cajoled. I whined. I whinged (using a British accent for the sake of credibility). It’s possible I blubbered. I was shameless.
  • Lied: I told them that there are thousands and thousands of Fat Cyclist readers, instead of admitting that after writing each lonely post to myself, I then go to work reloading the page 7,000 times per day and writing a bunch of comments to myself under dozens of pseudonyms.
  • Used Jedi Mind Tricks: This was not as effective as in the movie. My disappointment was severe.

To my delight, Twin Six eventually broke down and agreed to join the Ads for Schwag program. Which means that as of right this moment, you can go to Twin Six by clicking on the shiny new ad they’ve got at the top of the sidebar area. Go check them out. You’ll see why I was willing to grovel.

The Second Cool Thing
The second cool thing has a lot to do with the first cool thing. Namely, as part of the Ads-for-Schwag program, Twin Six has sent me a jersey to give away. In fact, they sent me a size XL “Speedy.”

I’ll be honest with you: I’ve tried it on.

I’ll continue to be honest with you. Their size XL fits like a roomy size L. It fits me just fine. I want to keep it. But I’m not going to, because I have a heart of gold. Instead, I’m going to do the right thing and give it away.

I’ll have more info on how you can win it a little later in this post.

The Third Cool Thing
The third cool thing is that I, for the first time in the history of ever, did not gain weight during the weekend. My wife and I went out to eat on Friday — my “free day,” and then I went back to eating reasonably on Saturday and Sunday.

Which means that instead of spending today and tomorrow repairing the damage I did to my weight over the weekend, I can continue to move forward.

I am so pleased with my newly found self control.

How did I do this, you may ask? Simple, really.

  1. The B7 Challenge: I’m getting a little panicky at the thought of what would happen if I lost to everyone in this bet. So panicky, in fact, that I’m finding it increasingly difficult to rationalize lapses in my plan.
  2. I got some good advice: I talked with Sans Auto, who it turns out has a Masters degree in Eating Right (MER). He told me I that I already have a good grasp of what are the right things to eat, and that I should try out “Intuitive Eating” (not sure that’s the exact term). The idea behind that is to eat a reasonable portion, and then wait for fifteen minutes before considering whether to go get seconds. If you’re hungry, go get more. If you’re not hungry (which is not the same as “not full”), don’t get more. It makes perfect sense, of course, but it’s not what I normally do.
  3. I use the crockpot, the rice cooker, and the George Foreman Grill constantly: By having something ready to eat when I get home, I’m not snacking when I get home from work. By making big batches of food, I have leftovers for lunch. The George Foreman Grill is useful for similar reasons, but in a different way. If you plop some salmon in a marinade and leave it in the fridge while you’re at work, when you come home you can use the George Foreman Grill to have it cooked within fifteen minutes. Finally, I use the rice cooker to make lots of brown rice, which is incredibly filling, tasty, and has the carbs I love and need.

All this boils down to: I’m fixing bad habits by learning how to make good, healthy food within the lifestyle I’ve got. It’s not a diet. It’s an adjustment. And it’s working at about the right pace: two pounds per week.

The Philosophical Question
OK, so I’m wising up, foodwise. But I know myself well enough to realize that even if I hit my goal weight of 148 pounds by August, at some point I’ll let my old habits resurface, and by Thanksgiving I’ll be wearing my fat pants again.

So while I was writing my most recent post — the one where I wonder whether it would be worth it to do laser hair removal so I don’t have to shave anymore — I started thinking: “What if there were something I could do that would make it so I wouldn’t ever have to worry about diet again?”

Then, of course, people who had actually done the laser hair removal thing weighed in, and I realized that the cost in time, pain, and money was just too much for me. Which brings up the question:

“What would I be willing to endure to stay at my ideal weight without dieting?”

It’s an intriguing question.

Here’s what I would be willing to do:

  • I would take a daily pill
  • I would take a daily injection
  • I would have outpatient surgery
  • I would eat a shoe (not daily)
  • I would endure a painful — but not debilitating — electric shock, daily
  • I would pay $100 / month

Here’s what I would not be willing to do:

  • I would not have major surgery
  • I would not eat something that tastes as nasty as okra or brussel sprouts
  • I would not take a 5x/daily pill
  • I would not take a 3x/daily injection
  • I would not do anything that made it obvious to casual onlookers that I was cheating to lose weight (e.g., if this magic pill made me turn pale green, I would not do it)
  • I would not be OK with side effects that leave me headachy, nauseous, or otherwise yucky-feeling

The Contest
So, to win the very cool Twin Six Speedy jersey (back of jersey shown here), tell me:

What would you be willing to endure to stay at your ideal weight without dieting? What wouldn’t you endure?

As always, in order to keep me from having to actually judge which comment is the winner, I’ll choose a quasi-random comment. What do I mean “quasi-random?” I mean that I choose comments randomly, but if I think the comment is not remotely interesting, I quietly reject it (i.e., I don’t send you an email saying, “Hey, your comment was stupid! So you didn’t win a jersey! Ha! Ha! Hahahaha!”) and pick a different random comment. So be interesting.

I’ll choose a winner this Saturday.

Today’s Weight
Back when I started the Fat Cyclist blog, I included my current weight every time I posted. It was a great way to hold myself accountable. A while back, I stopped, ostensibly because I had reached my goal, but in reality because I didn’t want anyone to see the startling speed at which my weight can rise.

Well, it’s time to start holding my feet to the fire again.

So, today’s weight: 174.2

Comments (102)

Be a Human Guinnea Pig, Win Cool Prizes

01.16.2007 | 7:04 am

You know, a couple days ago I upgraded my Internet hosting package — for the second time. Which means buying server space for this blog is now costing me about $40 per month. Which, I can promise you, is more than I am making from those Google ads nobody seems to want to click.

I should also point out that when negotiating ads for my blog, instead of asking for money to run on my blogs, I instead asked for schwag I could give to my readers.

And, of course, there’s all the time I put into this blog. The writing. The fretting about writing. The taking of abusive comments about my writing.

I give, and I give, and I give. And do I ask for anything in return?

Well, yes. Now that I’ve got you thoroughly guilted-up, I am asking you for something in return.

I’m asking you to volunteer to participate in my son’s science project on the effects of caffeine on heart rate.

First, Let Me Engage Your Self-Interest
Since I’m fully aware that most of you are guilt-proof, let me point out that by participating in this contest, you’ll automatically be entered in a random drawing to win one of three very cool prizes:

  • A Fat Cyclist Jersey: any size (when available) ($60 value)
  • Microsoft Wireless Laser Desktop 6000 ($100 value)
  • Handmade Bike Chain bracelet (either men’s or women’s style, any size), designed by Susan Nelson ($75 value)

Not bad, eh?

What The Science Project is About
The thing is, you’ll probably find that this experiment very interesting. You will probably, in fact, be as interested in the results as my son is. His question is, how much does a couple cans of caffeinated soda affect your heart rate?

A lot? A little? None at all?

(Special Note to biochemists and armchair know-it-alls: please keep your “I already know the answer to this” wisdom to yourselves. Thanks.)

Participating is easy. All you need to do is get to your resting heart rate, drink a couple cans of caffeinated diet soda, and then check your heart rate every fifteen minutes for an hour.

So just think. You’ll get to sit on a couch and watch a movie completely guilt-free, knowing that you’re helping a very smart kid do great on his science project.

Plus, you’ll be earning valuable Fat Cyclist brownie points (not redeemable for actual brownies; sorry).

Plus you might win some very cool stuff.

You can get all the details at my son’s science project website: click here.

Time is of the Essence
My son needs to start collecting and analyzing data right away. So, please don’t put this off. Be a guinnea pig this very evening. Or tomorrow, if you must. But by all means, please finish it by Saturday, no matter what — that’s the last day he can accept data.

Cancel other appointments if you must.

You owe me. You know you do. Help with this, and I’ll call it even.

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Let’s Make a Bet (Announcing the B7: Banjo Brothers’ Big Bad Bulky Biker Bodyfat Challenge)

12.21.2006 | 2:35 pm

This morning, I observed two important things:

  1. It’s cold outside. It was 4 degrees Fahrenheit (-15.5 Celsius) outside when I woke up this morning. That’s so cold that when I went out to my garage to ride the rollers (currently watching 24, Season 3), I immediately scurried back in to change into a long sleeve jersey and tights. Yes, I had to wear a long sleeve jersey and tights while riding in the garage. That’s cold.
  2. I’m fat. After my workout and shower, I got dressed for work. I noticed that my jeans, which have been feeling increasingly tightish the past few weeks, are now downright uncomfortable. I’d validate the obviousness of my winter weight gain with a scale, but I’m afraid of what I’ll find.

It would be easy to just tell myself that the cold weather, the buttload of work-related travel I’ve been doing, and the inexhaustible supply of chocolate laying around this time of year is just doing its annual thing and that I’ll get back down to a more reasonable weight after the holidays are over.

But this year, that’s not good enough. Now that both Lance and Floyd want to ride the Leadville 100 with me (sheesh, guys, will you please quit fighting over me?), I need to get myself in better shape than I ever have been before. And a bet with everyone who’s willing to take me up on it is just the motivation I need.

So I’m pleased to announce the …

Banjo Brothers’ Big Bad Bulky Biker Bodyfat (B7) Challenge

Last year, Al Maviva and a few other people had a contest where they — over the course of the season — tracked their weight loss and improvement on the bike. Then, earlier this week, In the comments section here, Al proposed expanding this contest out to anyone who wants to participate.

I like the idea, but I think I can make it a little more interesting. Here’s how.

Cool Prizes For Sure, Even Cooler Prizes Possible
I believe that last year Al gave away some moldy cheese as First Prize. We can do better. I checked with the Banjo Brothers, and they agreed to be the title sponsor for the contest. Here’s what I asked for:

  • First Prize: A Banjo Brothers Backpack or Messenger bag
  • Second Prize: A Banjo Brothers Seatpack
  • Third Prize: A Banjo Brothers Pocket Messenger bag

Mike, the Banjo Brother I can always rely on to cough up the free stuff, also hinted that he may be able to sweeten the pot beyond that. And I haven’t even started talking with other Ads-for-Schwag partners. By the time this contest ends, the prizes could be huge.

More Prizes: Our Personal Bet
The thing is, I want this contest to feel a little more, well, personal. So I’d like to make a wager — apart from the prizes that will be given away — with everyone. Here’s how it goes:

  1. If you do better than me, I will give you a Fat Cyclist jersey (yes, there will be a Fat Cyclist jersey). This offer is good anywhere in the world. Including Turkey, Tayfur. Yes, I’m telling you that if you do better than I do, I’ll give you a ~$70 jersey. And it will be a very, very cool jersey. Cooler than I originally expected it to be, for reasons I cannot yet make public. Trust me.
  2. If I do better than you, you’ve got to give me something cool. You’ve got to think of what that will be and post it in the new-specially created Banjo Brothers’ Big Bad Bulky Biker Bodyfat (B7) Challenge. I will reply to your topic, telling you whether I accept or decline your bet. I am not necessarily looking for something expensive. Just something that catches my interest. Though I’m not opposed to cool and expensive
  3. If you do better than Al Maviva, I will give you a 50% discount on whatever the cost of the Fat Cyclist jersey winds up being. Cuz I’d like to see as many people beat Al Maviva as humanly possible.

How to Enter
Entering the Banjo Brothers’ Big Bad Bulky Biker Bodyfat Challenge is easy. Here’s what you do:

  1. Go to the Banjo Brothers’ Big Bad Bulky Biker Bodyfat (B7) Challenge forum and create a new topic for yourself. Give the topic a clever and unique subject. Something that will encourage others to take a look at your personal challenge.
  2. List your current weight, your goal weight for August 1, and what you’re willing to give me if I do better at this contest than you do.
  3. Check back often for my reply. I’ll either accept or decline with comment. If I don’t like what you have to offer as a wager or think your goal is puny, I’ll say so and you’ll have to try again.
  4. Once you’re in, you’re in. If you give up, you owe me whatever we agree upon. How’s that for incentive?
  5. At the beginning of each month, you’ll need to post your current weight and how you did at a three-mile time trial (solo ride) on a course you’ll determine for yourself. Your ranking will be determined as a percentage of progress against your goal and improvement on your time trial course. (I hereby assign Al Maviva to post the details of the rules in the forum.) BotchedExperiment will compile all the numbers and use a complex (but fair) algorithm to determine rankings. 
  6. The final check-in will be August 1. That one’s mandatory. If you miss that check-in, you lose. Can’t win the race if you don’t cross the finish line.

You have until January 5 to enter, but I suggest you do it right now, or you’ll forget.

Please join in. It will be fun.

And I look forward to beating all of you.

PS: Earlier, I mistakenly posted that the time trial was a three-minute deal. Caloi caught my error, and it’s been fixed. It’s three miles. I regret any confusion I may have caused, but I don’t regret it very much.

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Win 5 Boxes of Matisse & Jack’s Bake-at-Home Energy Bars

12.13.2006 | 9:44 am

I love to eat. I love to ride my bike. Strangely, though, I don’t love to eat while I’m on my bike.

It’s strange, when you think about it. There’s nothing in the world I enjoy eating more than a peanut butter and honey sandwich. Seriously, I believe that may be the best food in the world. But when I’m riding, all the pleasure goes out of eating that sandwich. It becomes fuel, and nothing more. The same thing goes for Snickers bars. And for cookies.

Even after a dozen years of riding, I still don’t understand why this is true.

I have tried to find something I really, really love to eat while biking, because I figure if I can find something I look forward to eating even when on an endurance ride, I’ll have eliminated one of the big problems of endurance riding. Here are the things I have tried:

Campbell’s Soup-at-Hand Chicken and Stars Soup
Let’s at least start with my one moderate success. A few years ago it occurred to me that since I have such a hard time eating while riding, maybe soup would do the job. At about the same time, Campbell’s came out with these single-serve pop-top wonders. When you’re on the trail, for some reason you don’t care that the soup’s just body temperature. It tastes good — your body craving that 890mg (!!!) of sodium, I think.

At only 60 calories / 10g carbs though, it’s not going to exactly power you for the rest of the day. And the packaging’s awkward. Maybe for Leadville this year, I should just fill my camelback with soup (pureed first, so it won’t jam up in the drinking tube).

Turkey sandwiches
A turkey sandwich is a perfectly balanced meal. You’ve got your grains, your meat, your vegetables (dill relish), and your dairy (mayonnaise). The only thing better than a good turkey sandwich is a peanut butter sandwich. But, like a peanut butter sandwich, a turkey sandwich crushes to an unrecognizable form when it’s been compressed by your jersey pocket for two hours.

Meanwhile, the mayonnaise is busy converting itself into poison.

Plus, there’s the problem that while on the bike, a turkey sandwich just doesn’t taste good. How can this be?

Spam
OK, I admit I haven’t ever tried eating Spam while on a bike. You’ve got to admit, though, it’s an intriguing idea. Plus, by bringing this up I can now relate the following anecdote:

About seven or eight years ago, I thought it would be funny to try to put together a team of Sport-level racers, sponsored by Spam. We would be Team Spam. So I wrote to Hormel with a proposal, telling them that if they would pay our entry fees and design a Spam jersey for us, I would become the single most passionate advocate of Spam in bike racing history.

I would provide Spam samples at every race I went to.

I would have my Honda Civic painted to look like a Spam can.

I would send them entertaining race reports they could put up on their website (nowadays, I would have proposed a racer’s blog, but this was before blogs).

Hormel sent me a form letter saying they get a lot of requests for sponsorship and can’t sponsor everyone. So that was the end of that. I’ve been thinking lately, though, that I should do more with this idea. I.e., I should start putting sponsorship requests together for very unlikely companies, then see what happens. At the very worst, I’ll have some fun proposals to share with you when they don’t work out. At the best, I could wind up with some very unusual and entertaining sponsors on the upcoming Fat Cyclist jersey.

Clif Bars
I’m going to come out and say it: I like Clif Bars. I eat them recreationally. But when I’m on the bike, I can only barely choke them down.

Gels / Shot Bloks / Ensure
These aren’t real food, so don’t count. Plus, it’s not like I ever find myself a-hankering for a Gu. Strangely, though, after drinking an Ensure, I have a powerful urge to yell at kids to get offa my lawn.

Contest Time! Win Matisse & Jack’s Bake-at-Home Energy Bars
OK, these I like. They’ve got a problem, though: these are especially good hot out of the oven. What are the odds they’re going to last ’til the next time I go riding?

Want to see what I mean?

You can win five boxes of these energy bars by entering today’s contest: Tell me about the best and/or worst thing you’ve ever eaten on a bike.

And, meanwhile, may I please make a recommendation? Christmas is coming, and these energy bars are on sale. Five boxes costs only $25 and gets you free shipping, and they’d make a great, affordable present for a cyclist you know.

I especially recommend the Chocolate Chip flavor.

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