11.23.2010 | 12:50 pm
Oh sure, there’s a blizzard warning today for where I live — with exciting phrases like “arctic front” and “4 to 8 inches of snow is likely late this afternoon through tonight.” But I’m pretty sure it’s just a passing thing.
Winter is not here to stay.
And, I suppose, you could make an argument that with tomorrow’s high of 15 degrees (fahrenheit), it may be time for me to consider my off-season cycling options.
But I would counter your argument with the fact that by Saturday, temperatures will be all the way back to a high of 41 degrees! That’s warmer than freezing! Practically balmy, if you ask me.
And, by the way, by “balmy,” I mean “mild and pleasant”, not “mentally irregular.” Just to be clear.
My point is, naturally, that there’s no special reason for me to get out my rollers and start riding them.
You feel the same, I’m sure (except those of you who live in climes which allow you to keep riding, in which case please trade houses with me for the next five months, please).
The following are additional reasons why I feel it is not yet necessary to consider riding my rollers:
- Once I have begun, I must accept the fact that I will — more often than not — be riding rollers pretty much every day of the week for the next several months. And honestly, I just don’t think I can quite wrap my head around that fact quite yet.
- My pants still fit. More or less. After I hand-stretch them and then do a couple of crouches. Which is good exercise anyways, right?
- I do not yet have a TV series or movie trilogy I’m so excited about that it nullifies the daily dread I feel over the thought of another hour on the rollers.
- It’s a good idea to take a break from riding a bike for a while — you know, actually stop riding. By doing that, you prevent yourself from burning out. And from overtraining. And…other stuff.
- OK, fine. I just don’t want to. I really don’t.
Please feel free to use these as your reasons to not ride the rollers yet, as well. Furthermore, please help me out with your own compelling reasons why it’s not yet time to get out the rollers.
Together, I’m sure we can convince each other we’re right.
Comments (49)
11.22.2010 | 6:34 am
There’s a guy where I work who keeps some candy in his office. And by “some candy,” I mean that he has a file cabinet (and no, I don’t mean a drawer in his cabinet, I mean the whole freaking cabinet) full of giant bags of fun-size candy bars, along with a plastic tub full of Twizzlers. And another one full of cashews. And yet another with York Peppermint Patties.
Now, on one hand, this guy is one of the greatest guys in the office. He’s smart, he’s nice, he gets tons of work done, and — this is important — he shares.
On the other hand, this guy just totally pisses me off.
Why? Ha. As if you need to ask.
He pisses me off because this guy — in spite of this enormous quantity of junk food he’s got within arm’s reach — has what I would estimate to be 0.0001% body fat.
How is that possible? There can be only three possible explanations:
- He has a crazy-high metabolism, and no matter how much junk he eats, he doesn’t get fat.
- He self discipline, and is able to eat his junk food in moderation.
- He just doesn’t feel a compulsion to — in the event that food is within his grasp — eat and eat and eat until there is no food there anymore.
Which of these is the case for my co-worker? Does it even matter? The important thing is that the guy has a cubic meter of junk food, and is nevertheless thin.
And, By Way of Contrast, There’s Me
I, on the other hand, do not have a file cabinet full of candy at work. Now, I do have a bowl at my desk where candy could go, should I choose to bring some. But it’s almost always a sad, lonely, empty bowl, with no candy at all (though if you bury your nose in the bowl, you may be able to catch a whiff of the candy that most recently — albeit extremely temporarily — occupied the bowl).
Why no candy in my candy bowl? Because of the following two reasons:
- I brought candy in in the morning, intending to share it, but, after deciding I would eat one or two myself, closed the door to my office and gorged until nothing remained but a pile of fun-sized wrappers.
- I did not bring candy in, because I know myself well enough to realize that it would not survive the hour.
What A Bowl (Or Lack Thereof) By Your Desk Says About You
So my co-worker and I occupy near-opposite ends of the office candy spectrum. He has plenty and is glad to share. I either have no candy, or am well on my way to that state.
Of course, the bowl of candy in the office is a widespread phenomenon. What that bowl says about you, however, has thus far remain unexplored.
I shall now correct that oversight.
- If you have a bowl full of candy that remains essentially unchanged over a period of months, you can be confident that, first of all, your candy sucks. Secondly, you can be confident that there is something about you or your office that is preventing your co-workers from coming over and eating your candy. Perhaps it’s that your office smells bad (if you’re a bike commuter, this is the most likely possibility). Or just maybe — if you’re the manager — it’s because they know that if they come into your office, you’ll give them extra work, and the candy isn’t worth the risk.
- If you have a bowl full of unwrapped candy, such as M&Ms, you have high confidence in your co-workers’ propensity to wash their hands reasonably frequently. Or maybe it means that you don’t have any such confidence, and by putting out loose candy, you figure you’ll give your willpower a boost.
- If you have a bowl full of different candy pretty much every day of the week, It means you work in a high-traffic area. Or that you’re really popular. Or that you have no willpower and eat all the candy yourself.
- If you have a bowl full of full-sized chocolate bars, you’re trying too hard. People can tell you’re trying to lure them into your office. Also, you’re trying to make other people gain weight, to offset your own.
- If you have no bowl, you are telling the world that you have no willpower, that any food near you will be eaten. You are saying, in effect, “Not only do I not trust myself to not eat snacks in my general vicinity, but you would be well advised to hide any snacks of your own.”
It’s also possible, I suppose, that you have a bowl full of healthy snacks.
In which case I have nothing to say to you.
Comments (40)
11.18.2010 | 1:09 pm
Yesterday, I had LASIK surgery, correcting my nearsightedness. The most awesome part of this, of course, was that I then got to spend the rest of the day laying around in bed, taking long naps. With total impunity. It was a rare and wonderful thing.
And, of course, I got to put lots and lots of eyedrops in my eyes. Three different kinds of eyedrops.
And now, today, I find the following things are true about my eyesight:
- I get a cool halo effect around lights, or anything that has light reflecting off it. As if I were in a love scene in a movie. Without, of course, any of the actual love scene stuff happening.
- Stuff that seemed really blurry because it was far away no longer seems blurry at all.
- The heat vision I requested doesn’t seem to be working yet.
- The ability to shoot laser beams from my eyes is also (temporarily, I’m sure) still not quite there. That will come with time, though.
Of course, I’m sure that you are — right this very second — saying to yourself, “I sure wish I could have been there to witness Fatty’s LASIK surgery. And you can! Here’s the actual video of my eyes being laser-ified. Not for the squeamish. Or for the person who doesn’t have eleven minutes lying around.
Also, I’ve been told that I shouldn’t read or use the computer for 24 hours, which means that I am currently disobeying the Dr. Lasik’s (not his real name) orders.
But the thing is, I want to get your advice. So I’ve got a short post, with the hope that you’ll give me some useful ideas.
Next Year…And Beyond
It’s been a crazy-busy year. I’ve raced, ridden, and run in some awesome places.
But now, suddenly, all those things are behind me. So now I’ve got to figure out what should be my objectives for next year? What races should I do? What events should I attend? Of course, I want to do some of my favorite traditional events, but I’d like to see some new stuff as well.
So far, here are the things The Runner and I have planned for 2011:
- Ogden Marathon (May 21): This is The Runner’s favorite marathon. It’s local, it’s beautiful. She’s especially excited about this one because we’ve agreed she should train hard for this one and do it fast, without waiting up for me.
- LiveStrong Challenge Bay Area (June ?): Team Fatty will be at all the LiveStrong Challenges, but I’m going to make a special effort to be at this one in person.
- Leadville 100 (August 13): This year, my plan is to do it on a geared bike and make one last serious effort at a sub-9-hour finish. Having done the race in 9:17 on a SS, I think that’s possible.
- Levi’s Gran Fondo (October 1): I loved this ride. A lot.
- Death Valley Marathon (December): We had planned to do this marathon this December, but I am far too broken down to do it. Our revised plan is for me to actually try building a running base and get so I can do a marathon without messing myself up in the process. What a clever idea!
- Disney World “Goofy’s Race and a Half” Challenge (January 2012): Okay, this is actually in 2012, but it’s close enough that we’re putting it on the schedule anyway. The Runner wants to do the “Goofy’s Challenge” at Disney World, which is where you do a half marathon one day, and a full marathon the next. I will probably join her for one or the other, but not both.
But What Else?
Here’s the thing, though. I want to do some new stuff. Try some different rides, some different races.
And that’s where I want your help.
I expect that a lot of you have been thinking about your big objectives — races, events, or just plain rides — you want to do next year (or the year after that, or the year after that). And there’s a good chance that this big ride you’ve got in mind is something I would love to do.
So leave a comment, describing it. Tell me what it is, and when it is. Road or mountain. In the US, or outside it. And if you’ve got a URL, that helps too.
The world’s full of awesome places to ride, and I want to see some of them.
So help me out.
Comments (255)
11.16.2010 | 11:40 am
How can you tell a serious athlete from a non-serious athlete? Easy. The serious athlete will, from time to time, get a massage.
And I’m not talking about the kind of massage you receive from your significant other, the kind where they knead your shoulders and say things like, “you’re really tense,” because they want to seem like they know what they’re doing.
No.
I’m talking about a professional massage. Given by a professional masseuse.
And, having had my first professional massage last weekend, I feel I am highly qualified to describe the experience, so you can decide whether getting a professional massage is something you would like.
Painful Dilemmas
The Runner scheduled us for massages — both at the same time — to be had a few days after we got back from the NYC marathon — a treat to reward us for finishing our last big race of the year. It wasn’t until we got there that it occurred to me to wonder: would the masseuses be men or women?
As it turned out, there was one of each.
Which didn’t help me at all.
Here are the things I considered — all within the space of about four seconds — when confronted with the choice of which masseuse I wanted for myself.
- The woman masseuse is the pro; the man is the apprentice.
- For some vague — but probably very neanderthaloid and unenlightened — reason, I am icked out at the idea of getting a massage from a man.
- For a much more obvious but perhaps equally neanderthaloid reason, I don’t like the idea of another man handling my woman.
- I was aware of the intellectual inconsistency in my preferring to get a massage from a woman, but also not wanting another man anywhere near my wife. I explained this in my head as being justifiable because — being one — I knew that men are generally evil.
I explained all this to The Runner in a hushed, urgent whisper, as quickly as I could. She rolled her eyes, called me a dope, and said that since she had been here and had the pro masseuse (as opposed to the apprentice) give her a massage, that she would take the apprentice. I’d get the pro, so I’d get the full pro effect.
I Discover My Comfort Level
So the masseuse shows me into my room and says, “I’ll leave you to undress to your comfort level.” Which had me pondering what my comfort level might be. The truth is, I was completely comfortable remaining fully dressed, and knew for a fact that the less I was wearing, the less comfortable I’d be.
On the other hand, I didn’t want to miss out on the full massage experience.
So, I compromised and got entirely naked.
OK, I guess that’s not much of a compromise. But — and I don’t know if this is different than in most places — pretty much all of me (except the part being worked on at the moment) was always under a sheet, so I wasn’t quite as out there as I might have been. Which I expect was probably as much a relief for the masseuse as it was for me.
I Resolve to Not Cry Out
The Masseuse asked what we’d be concentrating on. I told her that my legs were still sore from the marathon, so I’d like her to concentrate on them.
As she got to work, she said, “Let me know if you’d like more or less pressure.” Which caused me to think two things:
- There was no way I was going to ask for more pressure, because I knew from hearing other people that massages can get pretty intense, and I did not want to ask for more pain than I was already destined for.
- There was no way I was going to ask for less pressure, because I didn’t want her to think I am a sissy.
I am happy to announce that as she worked on my legs, I did not cry out. Indeed, I did not even feel like I wanted to cry out. The pain was about at the level I expected and left me feeling good.
I do, however, feel a little bad about something. You see, as a conscientious, civic-minded, leg-shaving cyclist, I figured that my legs would be a pleasure for the masseuse to work on. And you know, they probably would have been.
If it weren’t for one little problem.
See, as we get further into the cold months, I grow increasingly neglectful of my shaving duties. Which is to say, I sometimes will go close to a week — instead of every other day, as in the peak cycling months — without shaving my legs.
They get prickly.
Which probably explains how, due to stubble-friction-induced heat, the masseuse’s hands caught fire.
A Startling Revelation, Or Two. Maybe.
I should probably point out that at one point, as I was laying facedown, the masseuse bent my legs back, at the knee. When she did this, she hit resistance right about the time my lower leg was at a 90-degree angle to my upper leg. Another ten degrees and my leg came to a halt. It would go no further without something giving way (as a side note, it may have been academically interesting to find out whether it would be bone, tendon, muscle or ligament that gave way first, but I’m glad we did not find out).
The masseuse let out an involuntary gasp: never, I believe had she witnessed a less-flexible leg.
That, kids, is what happens if you program your range of motion for more than a decade by riding a bike and never ever doing stretching exercises.
Alas, this was not the only revelation from the massage session. At least I think there might have been more. You know how I undressed to my “comfort level?” Well, as I laid on my back and the masseuse massaged my legs, the sheet covering my buttocks seemed to shift around a bit.
Perhaps more than a bit.
Perhaps, it must be said, more than I would have liked. And now than I think about it — seeing as I am a hairy, middle-aged man and stuff — more than the masseuse probably liked, too.
[Note to the masseuse: Sorry.]
I Will…Not…Cry…Out…In…Agonaaaahhghghhthurudlkjdu!
Sadly, the leg massage gave way to a back massage. Which would have been just fine, if it had been less painful. Or — this is just a thought — not painful at all.
But it was not unpainful. Rather, the lack of an absence of pain was considerable.
And in short, it hurt.
Specifically, I’m pretty sure that as she worked her fingers beneath my right shoulder blade, the masseuse actually grabbed my right lung and flicked it. Just because she could.
And you know what? Having your lung flicked hurts.
Also, I’m very nearly certain that she broke off a piece of my labrum. And please bear in mind I don’t have all that much labrum to spare in the first place.
So I don’t feel even a little bit embarrassed that — well after the point where a lesser man might have divulged the whereabouts of the nuclear launch codes or whatever other secrets he might have thought he’d never reveal — I said, softly, “Uncle.”
To which she replied, “Stop holding your breath so much. Just breathe.”
And you know, I would have.
Except I’m pretty sure my exhalations would have come out as whimpers.
Comments (57)
11.11.2010 | 2:46 pm
I’m a big fan of the iPhone. Why? Because it allows me to do very many important blog-related tasks while I am on the go — tasks which directly and materially affect and contribute to the content of my blog and therefore make the phone and the outrageous monthly phone and data fee I pay completely tax deductible.
For example, while in Austin for the LiveStrong Challenge, several of us from Team Fatty were walking to Mellow Johnny’s when we saw the Jose Cuervo Games going on in a parking lot. These games were free, and included the opportunity to ride a mechanical bucking lime.
Yes. A lime. That bucks. Mechanically.
Not ones to pass up an opportunity to do something ridiculous (and free), Jenni L, The Runner and I took turns riding the lime.
I recorded this all, using my iPhone. And then I edited the video, again on my iPhone — adding captions and the most boring soundtrack ever. And then I posted it directly to YouTube. But it looked horrible at the resolution it posts at over the 3G network, so later I uploaded it to Vimeo instead. Here, take a look:
See, that’s a very good, reasonable use of my phone, and easily justifies it as a blog-related business expense.
Even more importantly, however, since I always have my phone with me, and my phone has a camera, I can take pictures pretty much any time I want. Which means that I was able to get — after the lime ride — this photo of ClydeSteve with Levi Leipheimer, who was just hanging out Mellow Johnny’s, buying Christmas presents (yes, really):
Of course, there are several important things you can take away from this brief anecdote and photo, including:
- Levi Leipheimer is a very relaxed and accommodating guy, as evidenced by the fact that he walked around the area without a posse or bodyguard. Just your average guy, you know.
- Levi has a very good sense of people, as indicated by the way he looks terrified behind that smile, completely aware that ClydeSteve could — and might — crush him under the weight of his enormous hand.
- Levi’s and ClydeSteve’s heads are equally luminescent.
[Special Note to ClydeSteve: You can click on the above photo to download it at its original resolution. You know, for your Christmas photo or whatever.]
Finally, I’m Getting to The Point of This Post
Yes, this phone is a miracle of technology, and not just because I can use it tax-deductibly. But as is, as a cyclist I’m under-utilizing this phone horribly.
And, if you are a cyclist and have a smartphone, you are underutilizing your phone, too.
But soon — thanks to my development efforts — your phone will do much, much more.
But wait. Before you roll your eyes and say, “I know about iMapMyRide,” rest assured that this is not an application that just gives you training and route information. No.
Allow me to explain the philosophy and some of the important features of my soon-to-be-released iPhone app, which I am calling “iReal iWorld iCyclist.”
iReal iWorld iCyclist Described
The idea behind “iReal iWorld iCyclist” (or “iRiWiC” for short) is to take the activities cyclists do, and then have the phone do those activities instead, freeing the cyclist to do things other than cycling.
Like tweet about cycling.
The secondary purpose of this application is for you to show the selfsame application to your cycling friends and make them jealous at the fact that you have a cycling-related object they do not have. (And, to make sure you continue to be the only of your cycling group to have this product, you can pay $19.95 [per person] to specify the names of people we will thereafter not sell iRiWiC to. Because, face it, it’s worth paying a little extra to retain exclusivity.)
Enhanced Ride Map + Statistics
When you encounter another rider — on the trail, at a stoplight — there’s a good chance you’ll need to describe your ride. But what if your ride is just a piddly little thing and the other rider has just described a monster epic?
Well, you could say you’re on a recovery ride today (nobody believes other people when they hear this), or you could say you’re just beginning your ride and are just going to ride for a while (nobody believes this, either). You could even tell the truth: that all you’re up for is 45 minutes of flat, easy spinning (people believe this, but aren’t very impressed).
Or you could take out your phone and show them the stats for the “ride” you’ve been “doing.”
When you go to iRiWiC’s “Ride Log” feature, it quickly uses the phone’s GPS to determine your current location, then — instantly — creates all the data you need to show that you are in the final 15 miles of a 140-mile interval training ride. Wow your friends with:
- Your top speed (58mph)
- Your ride’s elevation profile (includes multiple ascents of all mountain passes within a 50-mile radius)
- Your ride track
- Your maximum HR: 214
- Your HR at the beginning of the ride: 8
Automatic Emergency Alert
Smartphones are equipped with a number of motion and location detecting devices to determine where you are and how fast you were traveling when you got there.
Smartphones are also equipped with phones. Which is smart.
And now, thanks to iRiWiC, your phone can quite literally phone home if you’re in trouble. If, for example, the accelerometer detects that you were going 48mph and then instantly decelerated to 0mph and came to rest on your back and stopped moving altogether, iRiWiC will text up to three people with the message “Just hit a bldg/tree/bottom of cliff. Am upside down. Plz call 4 hlp. Kthxbai!” It will also call 911 and — in a calm, computer-synthesized voice, relay your location information, as well as a colorful metaphor for how much pain you’re probably in.
Optionally, you can also set iRiWiC to tweet this same information and post it as a Facebook status update.
Product Update Alert
It’s crucial, as a proud upscale bike owner, that your bike is the lightest. The stiffest. The upgradiest. But staying ahead of the Joneses is tiring, demanding work. That’s why iRiWiC monitors all major and boutique frame and component manufacturer production statuses.
This way, when you’re riding your 2011 Canondale Flash Carbon Ultimate and Canondale suddenly comes out with its 2011.1 Canondale Flash Carbon SuperUltimate, you won’t be caught flat-footed. One click and iRiWiC will get your tragically obsolete bike onto eBay and place an order with your local dealer (iRiWiC supports local dealers) for the latest and greatest.
Strong Opinion Generator
Sick of tracking which pros are allegedly clean, which are allegedly doping, and which have always tested clean but some think are doping anyway? Still want to appear knowledgeable during the outrage-filled conversations that happen before and after group rides? Simply go to iRiWiC’s Strong Opinion Generator, select the pro / team in question, and then click the “like” or “hate” button. iRiWiC will scan through opinionated cycling sites, blogs, and Twitter accounts to find all the relevant “facts” supporting the point of view you have chosen to adopt.
Then, just to mess with your friends, after letting the conversation go for a couple minutes, you can easily switch to the other point of view and sound just as convincing.
Favorable Ride Analysis Generator
You’re not always going to set a personal best time every time you do a climb. You’re not always going to have a banner day when riding on the flats. It’s just a fact of life: some days, you’re not going to ride as well as others.
But when you suck, that doesn’t mean you have to take responsibility for it.
Simply open iRiWiC’s “Ride Analysis” generator and it will give you — along with an honest assessment of your actual speed and distance — the mitigating factors that explain why you didn’t go very fast. Including:
- Scan weather services to discover probable unfavorable wind direction, as well as excessively high/low temperatures
- Evaluate position of the sun with regards to your line of sight during the ride to evaluate likelihood (very high) of sun being in your eyes.
- Search news services to find whether there is a high pollen count (trust me, there is).
- Review records of doctors and hospitals in the area to see whether there’s something (a cold, the flu) that’s been going around. And there always is.
Funny Sound Analyzer
What’s that weird sound coming from your bike? It sounds kind of like crickets. Or maybe like a nail gun. Or maybe crickets being attacked with a nail gun.
Whatever it is, it for sure means something’s wrong with your bike. You just can’t tell what.
Well, simply fire up iRiWiC and press the “Listen” button, then put your phone near your bike (don’t worry about putting it exactly next to the place where the sounds coming from, since it’s almost impossible to tell). iRiWiC will match the sound your bike is making to its extensive database other bikes have made and their mechanic-certified ailments.
Then, when you call your mechanic, you can say, “I think my bottom bracket has a cracked bearing” instead of “When I pedal, my bike makes a ‘crunka-squirka-crunk’ sound.
Bonus Funny Sound Feature: iRiWiC records the sound as you make it so, if necessary, you can play it back to your mechanic. This is a very helpful feature since — guaranteed — when you get to the bike shop your bike will immediately (albeit temporarily) cease making that noise altogether.
Post-Ride Food Recommendation
You’re back from your ride. You’re hungry. What should you eat? It’s a true dilemma, and a serious one at that.
iRiWiC is here to help. Based on how far you have ridden, on what kind of terrain, and at what level of effort, iRiWiC will tell you what an optimal recovery food would be for you.
Invariably, that food is pizza.
This is not a bug, it’s just the truth.
Comments (41)
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