04.6.2009 | 6:32 am
Wilson, NC (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In a packed press conference today, Aqu Sports announced details for its much anticipated and talked-about Tour of America.
“It’s been almost exactly a year since we sent out a press release asserting the Tour of America would begin in September of 2009,” said Tour Director Frank Arokiasamy. “We felt it was high time to start filling in the blanks.”
2009 Plans
According to Race Director Richard Dunn, “2008 went by really fast, and before we knew it — whoah, there was December and we still hadn’t signed up any cities or sponsors or teams for the 2009 event.”
“We probably should have started making calls before November, but you know, it’s really hot in North Carolina during the summer and the air conditioning in our office kind of sucks, and then when autumn comes it’s so beautiful and the weather’s so nice that you just want to get outside,” continued Dunn.
“Long story short, our plan for 2009 became to focus on writing a really solid plan for 2010 – 2012 and calling 2009 a mulligan. And I feel we did an excellent job of that,” said the Race Director. “I’ll leave the details up to Karen, our Logistics Director, to give you the details of those plans now.”
2010 Plans
“For 2010,” said Karen D. O’Neill, logistics director for the Tour of America, “We plan to blame the economy for our not doing the race.”
“Of course,” explained O’Neill, “that’s not the way we’ll start out. A few months from now we’ll announce that we’re going to do this race in 2010. Then we’ll go dark again for a while. It won’t be until sometime in early 2010 that we’ll actually make the announcement that either the economy is still too bad to support a race of this magnitude, or that the economy has recovered too recently for us to meet our financial obligations in a timely manner.”
“Which, of course,” concluded O’Neill, “leads us to 2011.”
2011 Plans
“For 2011, we actually do plan to conduct a Tour of America,” said Arokiasamy. “However, it will be in South America. And it will be unsupported. And it will be raced entirely on motorcycles, instead of bicycles. Also we will avoid cities and roads altogether, having the course go up and down the coastline…and under water, when there is no beach…or when the tide is high.”
Interrupted Arokiasamy, “We feel that this will give us precisely the kind of experience we need to come back to North America the following year for the Fifth Annual Tour of America.”
2012 Plans and Beyond
“By 2012,” said Arokiasamy, “we will have established ourselves as the premier stage race in America, having either put on a race or had a very good excuse each of the preceeding four years.”
“And for 2012, we hope to begin planning very exciting plans indeed,” effused the Tour Director. “Namely, we will tell everyone that the race is planned for a certain date in July. Then, when everyone shows up on that date, we will look confused for a minute and then take a quick look at our printed materials and slap our palms to our foreheads and exclaim, ‘Oh my! We actually had the race in June! I can’t believe we said July. Sorry about that!’ And then we’ll all have a good laugh.”
Concluded the owner of the fledgling race promoter. “And then, of course, we’ll get busy working on the 2013 race. We’ve got an absolutely terrific course in mind for that year.”
The news conference did not have a Q&A session, with the race promoter citing “important drawing of colorful lines on maps to do.”
Comments (21)
04.3.2009 | 9:29 am
Here’s the view from my family room window, in a photo I took this morning:
This is just unacceptable. It’s Spring. I have a brand new bicycle I’ve only gotten to ride twice — not even enough to get it dialed in.
I have completely run out of shows to watch while riding the rollers.
Seriously, Mother Nature. Stop it.
Comments (86)
04.1.2009 | 11:40 pm
A Note from Fatty: My friends at Banjo Brothers are doing an interesting experiment: Microfiction via twitter. It’s a bike story, serialized into 140-character chunks. Get caught up with the beginning of the story here, and then follow the updates on Twitter here.
As a teenager, I had the following jobs, in the following order:
- Feeder of frozen meat patties onto the broiler conveyer belt at Burger King (fired after two months)
- Shelf-stocker, floor-walker, toy assembler, help-as-needed do-er, and occasional Dungeon Master at a toy store (yes, from time to time I got paid minimum wage to play D&D. Envy me.)
- Firework stand worker, and post-July-4 Firework stand disassembler and firework warehouser. My coworker friends and I would talk endlessly about the awesomeness that a stray match would bring about in that building.
- Lawn maintenance, basic pest control in North Carolina. I nearly melted.
- Midnight-to-6am radio DJ. I believe my entire audience was 3 14-year-old girls. Still, this is the coolest I have ever been.
- Door-to-door insulation salesman in Southern California. I spent the entire summer wondering why I gave up the radio job to do this. I still do not have a satisfactory answer.
All of these things helped me make a career choice. Or rather, they helped me realize that I absolutely positively wanted to work while sitting down. Opining, theorizing, and occasionally (if necessary) writing or editing, as opposed to doing any real work.
And here I am. For the entirety of my career to this point, I have always either been sitting at a computer, sitting in a conference room, or sitting with my computer in a conference room.
I am not complaining. It may seem like I am, but I am not. When I’m complaining, I seem even whinier, if you can imagine that.
In any case, I would like to point out that even us white-collar (or in my case, “no collar,” since I’ve somehow managed to avoid companies with fussy dress standards my whole career) workers don’t have it easy. Work can be difficult. Gruelling. Painful.
Work can be, in short, very much like riding a bike. Which — finally! — leads me to my point: being a cyclist is the perfect way to condition oneself for the modern workforce.
Here’s how.
- Spin a low gear at high-cadence: The secret to high endurance efforts as well as fast climbing is to learn to spin an easy gear, but spin it fast. This principle is true in the business world as well. For example, I never do anything that’s actually very difficult, but do my absolute best to always look like I’m moving very fast. Or for those of you in software, just say you’re doing agile development. Works like a charm.
- Drafting: When you’re on a road bike, you can conserve a lot of energy by staying very close behind your competitors, letting them do all the work while you coast in their slipstream. The way this metaphor applies to the business world is so darned obvious I don’t even need to explain it. Don’t innovate. Instead, ride on your competition’s coat-tails and then nip them at the finish line. And by competition, could of course mean either your company’s competition or they guy down the hall.
- Tolerance for pain: As a cyclist, you have developed a surprising tolerance of — and quite likely, a somewhat disturbing appreciation for — pain. You have augured into the ground, plowing fresh soil with your helmet. You have left unusual indentations in tree trunks. You have tested the impact resistance of pavement. And you have voluntarily ridden your bike even as you suffered mightily. Frankly, I cannot think of any greater or more directly applicable training for either a position in Sales or Customer Service. Or for a beatdown by the boss. While others quake and despair at the abuse from which they’re suffering, you will simply be thinking to yourself, “Y’know, this reminds me of the time my front tire blew at the apex of a tight bend in a fast road descent. Wow, what a day!”
- Endurance: As a cyclist, you are no doubt familiar with the numbness and/or agony that accompanies a long session in the saddle. And you have learned to put up with it. What you may not realize, however, is that most people have not learned to deal with sitting that long. This gives you a distinct advantage when you find yourself in a marathon meeting. I myself have gleefully (?!) watched as others begin squirming and shifting in their seats as the fourth hour of an all-day meeting begins. Meanwhile, having cleverly thought to apply DZ-Nuts under my pants at the beginning of the day, my posterior still has the eye of the tiger. Wait, that didn’t come out right.
- Use training analogies as a way to excuse yourself for slacking: Every cyclist knows you don’t get fast by always sprinting. Nosirree. You get fast by through a mysterious and complex sequence of efforts. Similarly, it can be asserted that you don’t succeed in the workplace by always working ’til you’re frazzled and burned out. You need to alternate between easy projects and difficult ones. You need to surf the web for a few hours, as a “recovery period.” And when your boss tells you that you always seem to be working at a snail’s pace, you just need to tell her that you’re getting in some base miles right now.
I’m certain that will put her mind at ease.
Comments (38)
04.1.2009 | 12:01 am
I recently liveblogged the building of my new Gary Fisher Superfly Singlespeed (or, as I like to call it, “The SingleFly.” It’s a beauty of a bike, and I’m glad I got it.
Several of you have asked for me to provide details of how this bike rides — and your requests have gone unanswered. Unacknowledged.
I’m sure you’ve wondered why, and the truth is I feel a little bit awkward about the way I’ve been avoiding addressing this. But enough’s enough. The fact is, I haven’t ridden the SingleFly yet.
And you know what? I haven’t even been tempted to take it riding. Why not? Well, because I’ve been digging on another bike I recently acquired. The RANS Ti-Rex:
Just look at that beauty. The elegant drivetrain. The clean frame lines. The mesh-and-gel hammock. The practical-yet-swoopy handlebars. The sweet component spec. I went a little nuts and built mine up so it weighs only 23 pounds! That’s practically as light as any other raceworthy roadbike out there.
If I weren’t so busy out riding it all the time, I swear I’d be happy to just watch it.
And it’s easy to take out to the local bike path (a nice, level trail, since I’ve lately come to find climbs somewhat distasteful — though don’t you worry, when I shift into the granny gear, I can climb just about any road you throw at me!). I just need to give myself an extra few minutes to disassemble it for transport. And then a few more to reassemble it for riding. And then a few more to re-disassemble it to take it home.
But I’m getting faster at it all the time!
Lifestyle Changes
This bike has opened so many doors for me. For example, I no longer feel the need to wear those ridiculous padded shorts — I don’t need them since my saddle’s soft and comfortable. And it is so nice to be able to rest my back against that mesh backrest. Whereas I used to hate having any kind of stomach at all because my knees would push into it on my “wedgie,” now I can lean way back and let gravity flatten my stomach. Or at least displace my lungs.
I have noticed, however, that being in the upright position presents my face to the wind rather directly. I have two choices: a fairing, or a beard. I’m happy to report that I’ve elected to get both! Well, get one and grow the other.
I’ve also observed that people point at me on my new bike. On one hand, I find this flattering; I enjoy the attention. On the other hand, I seem to have found a new sense of outrage at the way other cyclists roll their eyes at me.
I suspect they are just jealous. And closed-minded.
PS: You can find a short video of me on my new bike here.
PPS: I am also pleased to announce that I have accepted a position teaching not-for-credit evening courses on blogging at the local community college.
PPPS: Maybe tomorrow I’ll get around to riding my SingleFly. But for now, on April 1st, I’m all about the RANS.
Comments (88)
03.30.2009 | 11:36 pm
Last year, all by my sad little self, I rode the inaugural FatCyclist.com 100 Miles of Nowhere. As a recap, this is what the route looked like:
And here was what my GPS reported my turn-by-turn as:
In short, by making good on a bet that I could ride my rollers for 100 miles in one stretch, I raised more than $1000 for the Lance Armstrong Foundation.
The weird thing is, afterward a bunch of you said that if I made it an annual event, you’d want to do it, too. So, foolishly taking you at your word, I am happy to announce that soon I’ll be announcing (in other words, I haven’t finalized the date yet) the 2nd Annual FatCyclist.com 100 Miles of Nowhere.
But this time it’s going to be much more awesome.
How It’s Going to Work
Well, first off, there’s going to be official registration and everything, with racer schwag approximately 300% better than most racer schwag bags. More on that in a second.
And of course, most of the money for registration will go to Team Fatty’s LiveStrong Challenge.
When you register, you will specify your category (choose from one of my pre-made categories or create your own), your race location, and the distance you will ride your rollers or trainer: 25, 50, or 100 miles.
Of course, if you cheat and decide to ride outside, I will give you a stern warning, but will not treat it as cheating outright.
Then, On a certain day in the not-too-distant future, we will all — wherever we happen to be — ride nowhere at all, in a race that is both incredibly local and impossibly far-flung. Racers who normally drop everyone else will note that they are somehow going the same speed as recreational riders.
Above all, as you ride you will have conflicting senses of pointlessness (why am I riding my bike and not going anywhere?) and pointfulness (because I’m fighting cancer, that’s why).
And it will be awesome in a whole new way.
What You’re Going to Get
I’m currently planning on having a $75.00 entry fee. $25 of that will cover shipping costs and labor, and the other $50 goes to Fatty’s LiveStrong Challenge.
And what will you get, besides a sense of satisfaction that you participated in an incredibly strange race and also fought cancer? Well, you get a schwag box of awesomeness, that’s what. Here’s what’s in it so far:
- A suitable-for-framing certificate, declaring you the winner in your category and location. Yes, that’s right. I am guaranteeing you a win, regardless of who else is in the race. What other race gives you that? Oh, and by “suitable for framing” I mean that I’ll use high-quality paper in my color laser printer. Oh, and I’ll sign it, too. With a blue Bic pen.
- An event t-shirt, designed and produced by Twin Six . Twin Six designs all my jerseys and t-shirts, and they’ve never ever ever disappointed. This will be one shirt that definitely does not become a rag used to wipe the grease off your chain. Not for several years, anyway. Value: $22.00
- A tube of DZ-Nuts. Yes, really. If you use chamois cream, it’s high time you try DZ-Nuts. If you have never tried chamois cream, I cannot think of a more perfect time to begin. As I have noted in my review, this is good stuff. Value: $22.00
- A Banjo Brothers Seat Bag: These bags open wide and perfectly hold exactly what you need for a roadside tube change: tube, tire levers, mini tool, CO2 can and adapter. And a couple of rolled-up bills in case you need to buy a Slurpie. Every road bike should have one of these. Value: $10.99
- A Garmin / Slipstream Camelbak Podium Bottle: I recently got one of these bottles for myself…and I liked it so much that I ordered a six-pack of them. They’re the only bottle I use now. Somehow, CamelBak has made the bike water bottle better. A lot better. And the Garmin / Slipstream graphics look great. And how cool is Team Garmin / Slipstream for helping raise money for the Lance Armstrong Foundation? Value: $10.00
- CarboRocket Single-Serve packs: How weird is it that one of my very best friends invented what I consider to be the very best sports drink in existence? You’ll get three single-serve packs (perfect for making one bottle’s-worth), letting you try each of the flavors. And, I daresay this is a good opportunity for you to try them out. Value: $6.00
- Clif Shot Bloks: The fact that I will, if left to my own devices, eat Shot Bloks recreationally, tells you everything you need to know about them. They taste like jam, and look terrifying when microwaved. Value: $2.00
- ProBar : These things taste far too delicious to be organic, and yet they are. And they’re far too delicious, I might add, to be an energy bar. And yet they are. Value: $3.29
That is not a bad amount of stuff. In fact, if my calculations are correct (and they may not be, because I am far too lazy to double-check my work), the retail value of the FatCyclist.com 100 Miles of Nowhere schwag box is $76.28.
Yes, that’s right. You pay $75.00, get $76.28 worth of stuff, and you’re still donating $50 to Team Fatty’s LiveStrong Challenge.
How is that even possible? I do not know, but it is.
How I Need Your Help
Want to help out? Great. There are a couple things I need.
- If you’ve got pull with a company and think they might want to be a sponsor: I would love to make you a sponsor. You can be a sponsor by either donating something very cool to go in the schwag bag, donating a very cool random-drawing prize (like a bike or a car or a lifetime supply of Diet Coke), or donating a good amount of cash to Team Fatty’s LiveStrong Challenge. E-mail me and we’ll talk about details.
- If you’re thinking about participating: Just start talking to your friends and family about how insane it would be to ride your trainer for 100 miles (or 50, or 25). Once they agree, tell them you’re going to do it as part of this race, so you can do something completely ridiculous and noble at the same time, and you’d like them to donate to your LiveStrong Challenge page in support of your effort.
We’ll be starting registration soon. As soon as I pick a date. Which I believe will be around the end of April. Yeah, I know I should have done this when it was too cold to go do anything outside. But as it turns out I sometimes have other things I have to take care of in my life. So feel free to not give me any grief about waiting ’til now to get to this. Or I will bite your head clean off.
Don’t test me.
FAQ
A few people have asked questions in the comments section, and a couple of questions have occurred to me that I expect some people might want to ask but are simply too shy.. I will try to answer them here:
- Can I use my spin bike / stationary trainer? Sure. Why not?
- I’m more of a runner? Can I do a running version? Of course. It seems that the runner’s equivalent of this would be to do a marathon on your treadmill. Your T-shirt will still say you did the 100 Miles of Nowhere, but you can edit it with a Sharpie.
- What about riding a really small course outside? Yes, please do that. The smaller, the better. And please have a GPS with tracking on and send me the an image of your ride. I will post it.
- My computer is mounted to my front wheel. What do I do? Mount a computer to your rear wheel, or, alternatively, just guess how fast you’re going. Guess low.
- What if I’m not available on the day you pick? Do it on the day before. Or the day after. Or something like that. With all the time zones and date lines involved, it’s not like we’re all going to be riding at the same time anyway.
If you’ve got more questions, ask in the comments and if they seem general enough, I’ll answer them here.
PS: A bunch of you should be getting the bracelets you had Susan make for you (and I’ve gotten really nice emails from several of you saying how much you like them already; thanks!) over the next couple of days. She’s only got about 20 more to make, and she’s hoping to get them done between this week and next. Susan wanted me to let you know that each of the women’s bracelets has one squarish pink bead, which you should think of as her signature and a reminder of what this is all about. Susan also says that once she’s done with the remaining bracelets on order, she’s going to put jewelry making aside for a bit, so she can concentrate on finishing writing her novel.
PPS: Yes, that’s right. My cancer-fighting wife, having just raised north of $8K for the LAF by meticulously hand-crafting more than 80 bracelets, is now hard at work completing her first novel. How awesome is she? (Answer: very)
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