02.27.2009 | 7:56 am
I’m fat because of weekends.
I have a serious “grazing” instinct — if I’m in the house, I often find myself near the fridge or pantry without ever conciously intending to go there. I’ll fix myself a snack, even though I’m not hungry. And if there’s nothing I want to eat immediately obvious, I treat it as a Grazer’s Challenge. This has resulted, in recent memory, in the following:
- Peanut butter and mozzerrella cheeze on a tortilla, heated in microwave for 25 seconds. Actually, very tasty.
- Cool whip and chocolate milk mix (powdered), blended together and used as a dip with graham crackers. Again, very tasty.
- Saltine crackers with Chipotle-flavored Tabasco sauce (my new favorite hot sauce, by the way). Once again, very tasty, but probably would have been better if I had mixed the Tabasco with sour cream.
- A milkshake created using vanilla ice cream, milk, a handful of M&Ms, and a large piece of chocolate cake. This was possibly the best thing I have ever tasted, and could be the basis of a successful milkshake chain: “Cake Shakes!”
This ability to always find something to eat — and then eat it, natch — is pretty easy to suppress for short periods of time — a couple of hours, for instance. When I’m at home for 60 hours at a stretch, though, eventually my willpower breaks down.
Which explains why my weight has gone from 181.4 on Sunday to 184.4 today. Around 7PM last night, I just started eating, and eating, and eating. Handfuls of Cap’n Crunch, improvisational burritos (everything’s better with a tortilla around it), a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats (I could happily eat nothing but cold cereal and Mexican food for the rest of my days), and part of an ice cream cone one of my twins didn’t finish.
I was, in short, a train wreck.
Originally, I intended to spend some time today detailing the weirdness I’ve been through in the past year, and try to link it to my current weight problem. I think this is the more honest answer, though: I’m fat because I run out of willpower before I run out of weekend.
Mark my words, you’ll see a variation of that on a fridge magnet someday.
PS: Today’s weight: 184.4
PPS: This post rescued from my Spaces Archive. Originally published May 16, 2005
Comments (38)
02.26.2009 | 11:04 am
Everyone who reads, comments, and emails me about this blog has been remarkably cool about the fact that sometimes I use it to talk to myself about what’s going on in my life.
That said, I try pretty hard to keep from talking too often about how I’m doing, because the fact is I’m usually doing pretty bad these days, and if that’s what I talked about all the time, this wouldn’t be a very fun blog to read.
And I want it to be fun.
Anyway, a while back I discovered that if I have a little focus and discipline, I can write something funny even when I’m not feeling very funny at all.
But I’m also discovering that it takes quite a bit out of me.
I look at stuff I used to write before Susan’s cancer metastasized and I remember how easy it was to write funny posts back then.
It’s not like that now, though.
So, sometime yesterday afternoon, I decided I need to take a break. For the next ten days, I’m going to move over posts from my old Spaces blog — something I’ve wanted to do anyway. So there’ll still be a “new” post here every day. And — to get back to my original blog focus — I’ll be posting my current weight (184.0 today, by the way, so the Jell-O diet evidently rocks).
While I’m gone, I’ll be working on stuff that’s still blog-related; I have a couple ideas I’ve wanted to pursue but haven’t had energy for.
And when I come back March 10, I’m planning to have the energy to write the kind of posts I like writing.
Thanks for understanding.
Comments (91)
02.25.2009 | 12:47 pm
I am surprised — so very, very surprised — that after yesterday’s post, not one single person commented what I considered to be a very obvious flaw in my assertion that I would never consider actually eating nothing but Sugar-Free Jell-O for a day
The lie in that assertion is right there in the image: If you’re not planning to eat a whole bunch of Jell-O, why do you have so much Jell-O?
Slackers.
It should be no surprise, then — especially now — that I hereby declare today “Nothing but Jell-O Day.”
Thank You For Your Concern
When I coyly speculated on what I was — as you in retrospect realize — obviously intending to do, a number of you expressed concerns. These concerns are, as I recall:
- Jell-O is gross. I concede this point. The “jell” in Jell-O comes from, as near as I can tell, from pig hooves, cattle tendons, rat claws, and ground-up snail shells. I have known this all my my life. It doesn’t bother me. I’m a product of my environment, I suppose.
- Sugar-Free Jell-O is poisonous. It’s got aspartame, which is bad. I concede the probability of this, but the truth is, as a consumer of vast quantities of Diet Coke every single day, any harm I incur from a day of gorging on Sugar-Free Jell-O is going to be incremental. Besides, I like to live dangerously.
- This diet is not sustainable. That’s true. I will do this for one day, and one day only.
- The packaging is wasteful. Yes, it is. And ordinarily I would have just bought the powder and mixed this up myself. But I really, really wanted to make a Jell-O cup pyramid. A photo of a big bowl full of Jell-O just wouldn’t have been dramatic enough for me.
- You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. OK, nobody actually said that, but I think it’s always a valid concern.
Why?
The question you should be asking yourself about this day of Sugar-Free Jell-O consumption is: “Why?” Why would I do such a thing?
I have many reasons, each better than the previous, but not quite as good as the next.
- The blog must be fed. It’s been months since I’ve been out on a biking adventure. All of my riding currently happens early in the morning, in the spare bedroom, on rollers. Which is not exactly the best source of new material that has ever existed. So yes, I’m stretching here. Demand a refund if you feel you’re entitled to one.
- I need to draw a line in the sand. I don’t want to go into serious stuff today, but the truth is that with my life the way it is right now, I’m having a hard time sticking to a smart “sensible eating” diet. I hope to reboot my eating habits by doing some absurd stuff for a few days, and then switching to the much more reasonable kind of diet I know works if I’m willing to be disciplined. This is, in a way, a starting gun.
- Jell-O is delicious.
- I’ve got to do something with all this Jell-O. Hey, I’ve got 42 packets of Jell-O here. They’re taking up fridge space.
- I weigh 186.4 pounds. Something must be done, before the season begins.
Caveats and Problems
As I eat nothing but Jell-O today, I’m acutely aware that there will be difficulties. Here are some of the problems I expect:
- Cumulative disgust with texture: I like Jell-O, but if there’s one thing that endurance cycling has taught me, it’s that one continuous texture for all your food gets pretty old, pretty fast. Oddly, this does not seem to hold true for breakfast cereal, which I could happily eat all day, every day.
- Cumulative disgust with sweetness: If there’s another thing that endurance cycling has taught me, it’s that I get sick of sweet food when that’s all I eat. Sadly, as far as I know, Jell-O does not yet come in nacho or burrito flavors. Alas.
- This stuff is expensive. These little Jell-O packets cost just under $0.50 each. If, as I ridiculously posited yesterday, I were to try to consume 1500 calories worth of Jell-O, I would have also consumed $75.00 worth of Jell-O. Also, I know for sure that the grocery store doesn’t have that much. Luckily for me, I can go back to the store and buy the much more reasonably-priced powder form. But honestly, I have a hard time imagining me eating more than the stock I’ve got.
- Outrageous hunger. I’ve gotten by on less than 500 calories in a day before. However, I’ve never gotten by on that when I’m also taking care of the kids and Susan. I can’t just slouch around and be grumpy today. I’ve got responsibilities, much as if I were an adult. So I’m giving myself a caveat: I can also eat bananas today. I know, I know: that kind of kills the drama of the event. I apologize.
First in a Series
I intend to do several “Nothing But…” days in a row.
- Today, Jell-O.
- Tomorrow, spaghetti.
- Friday: fruit.
- Monday: we’ll see.
The Day So Far
10:30am: 5 packs (3 red, 2 green), 1 banana. I feel fine, though I usually don’t eat a big breakfast anyway.
11:45am 5 packs (2 orange, 2 green, 1 red), 1 banana. This made only a minor dent in my hunger. I plan to have more in an hour or so.
1:15pm 3 packs (1 lime, 1 orange, 1 red), 1 banana. I’m incredibly disappointed in myself, because I seem to have already hit my gag threshold. See, I intended to eat 6 packs; I felt the gorge rising by the time I was into my second. In fact, I ate the third just to show it who’s boss.
Is it really possible that my Jell-O Tolerance Threshold (J-OTT) is so low?
Meanwhile, I am hungry.
Comments (96)
02.23.2009 | 4:12 pm
A Note from Fatty: This is one of those weird “What is this entry doing in this blog” entries, where instead of fake news or fart jokes, I actually talk about what I’m thinking.
I apologize in advance, and thank you for your indulgence, also in advance.
The Tour of California wasn’t just a comeback event for a bunch of well-known pro cyclists; it was a comeback race for me. I haven’t watched a professional bike with anything but mild curiosity since Floyd Landis got suspended.
Well, I guess a couple years off was enough; I really got invested in this race. And now that it’s over, I have a few comments. A few are about the race and racers, some are about myself, and some are about the media.
And all of it is hereby presented in the order it occurs to me.
The Non-Clash of the Titans
If a year ago you would have asked me what my greatest regret for the universe of pro cycling was, it would have been that there would never be a matchup between Armstrong, Basso, Landis, Hamilton, and Ulrich.
But last week, there they all were. Except Ulrich, of course.
So I started developing this fantasy where all of them, on the last big climb of the last day, would drop the rest of the field and battle it up for supremacy at the big summit.
Oh, also, in my fantasy, Ulrich surprises everyone at the base of the climb by jumping out from behind the boulder and contesting the climb along with the rest of them.
Hey, it’s my fantasy.
In reality, though, none of that happened. Armstrong rode for Leipheimer, Landis attacked but without conviction, Hamilton was out of shape, and Basso dropped out of the race, complaining of a sore goiter. Or something like that.
I’m hoping for something a lot more chaotic and intense in Italy in a couple months.
Lots of People Are Very Cool
At 3:53pm during the race prologue, I made an offhanded remark that would snowball in an awesome way. Specifically, I liveblogged:
Hey, there’s Bob Roll. Hi, Bob! Your voice is cracking. Also, it’s time for you to get rid of that little fin of hair on the top of your head.
That evening, I talked with Scot Nicol (AKA Chuck Ibis), founder of Ibis Cycles. Scot was working with Bob Roll, doing secret man-on-the-inside stuff.
Together we hatched a plan. I’d set up a LiveStrong challenge page for Bob, and then Scot would ask Bob whether he would shave his head if we raised $5000 to fight cancer.
Bob said yes immediately.
Lots of people and publications spread the word, and Bob raised over $8500 as part of Team Fatty: Fighting for Susan. And Bob got his head shaved, by Bruyneel, on camera.
We’ll be sending out prizes to a few lucky contributors — signed jerseys, bags o’ schwag — but a few of you got an even cooler prize: Bob Roll recorded you an outgoing voicemail message you can use on your phone.
Oh, and he recorded one for me too.
The Amgen Tour Tracker Was Awesome
I don’t think I have ever seen a cooler, more useful web app than the Amgen Tour Tracker. Video! Real-time course and elevation chart mapping! Text updates! Everything a fan could want.
To Amgen, the ATOC organizers, the developers, and the people who maintained that site: congratulations on an incredible and useful site.
I really, really, really hope that the Giro and Tour organizers do something similar. Really really.
Versus Needs to Understand Its Audience Better
I’m really glad that the Tour of California was broadcast on television. And I think Versus did a pretty good job of handling the broadcast duties.
And based on the frequency and duration of the ads during each stage, I’d say Versus got what it wanted out of this race, too. In which case, they probably don’t care about my gripes. Which I am going to enumerate anyway.
First, let’s talk about Craig Hummer. Giving someone like Craig Hummer — someone who doesn’t really know much about cycling — a microphone isn’t by itself a bad idea. That person’s job, however, should be to ask the experts — Phil and Paul — the questions that other people new to the sport might ask.
That person’s job should not be to act as if he knew what was going on. By making wrongheaded, rookie-level assertions, he just confuses the audience, embarrasses himself, and forces Phil and Paul to constantly decide whether it’s worth it to correct Hummer on-air.
Until he can at least sorta-kinda pronounce “palmares,” Hummer needs to take the role of attentive apprentice during the broadcast, and leave the pronouncements of what’s going on in Lance’s head to Phil and Paul.
Second, let’s talk about Rasika Mathur. While the choice of Hummer as co-anchor is defensible, the choice of improvisational actor Rasika Mathur to do comedy spots on cycling is not.
I think I get what Versus was after here, at least on paper: a young woman brings some moments of humor to an event otherwise dominated by serious, uptight men. Hopefully.
The thing is, though, in order to lampoon something, you have to understand it. Then, if you make fun of it well, it’s funny at a couple of levels. People on the outside recognize the quirks they see in cyclists they know and see on the street and laugh at the common experience.
Meanwhile, people who are on the inside get it and laugh at themselves.
In this case, though, the whole joke seemed to be that Rasika knew nothing at all about cycling. And so she marveled that it was easier to turn the cranks when you shift into a lower gear (something every child with a 3-speed, and every adult who has been in an automobile already knows), asked sexist questions designed to make people uncomfortable, and did an impression of Lance Armstrong that seemed much more like she was doing an impression of Mick Jagger.
There are people who can poke fun at cycling perfectly well. Versus should hire The Metal Cowboy. Or Bike Snob NYC. Or Captain Dondo, for crying out loud.
Or, here’s a wacky idea: how about Bob Roll, who you’ve got on staff anyway?
The bottom line is: If you’re going to hire someone to be topically funny, you need to ensure that the funny person knows enough to be topical.
Rasika was neither topical, nor funny.
I Am Unnecessary
I kind of stumbled into the whole “liveblog” thing. I was sick (yes really) almost the entire week, staying home from work. So I got in a lot of TV. And I thought, “might as well try liveblogging it.”
The thing is, I had a lot of fun doing that, but — let’s face it — I certainly don’t know enough about pro cycling to predict who is going to win a given stage. In fact, I seem to not even know enough to predict what kind of rider is going to win.
Still, though. I think I might try it again. Not the whole stage race, but certain stages.
And now I need a couple of days off.
PS: I’m very interested in your impressions and reactions to the Tour of California, even if you disagree. Though I may edit your comments so that it seems like you actually do agree with me.
Comments (76)
