08.5.2008 | 2:41 pm
No, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not reviewing Dave Zabriskie’s testicles. That’s not ’til next week! Instead, I’m reviewing (and I believe I may in fact be the first person to do so) Dave Zabriskie’s new chamois cream: DZNuts.
Why Review DZNuts?
I expect that pro cyclists think about many different things than you or I. They probably lay awake at night wondering how they can make their shoes lighter, thereby decreasing rotating weight. They probably spend agonizing hours wondering how they can possibly average 0.01 mph faster in tomorrow’s race than they did last week.
And, evidently, Dave Zabriskie wondered how he could reduce his discomfort and the number of saddle sores he collected.
I suppose, then, that I should be upfront about this review: I normally don’t use any chamois cream at all. Ever. Not when I do a training ride, not when I do a big epic mountain bike ride, not even when I did the Kokopelli Trail.
Why not? Because I don’t find it helpful or necessary. Which is to say, I don’t get saddle sores, and I find the texture of chamois cream icky at best, and searingly painful at worst.
And yet, here I am, reviewing DZNuts. Why?
Well, it’s because I couldn’t help myself. The cool-looking black tube, combined with the not-quite-lockerroom humor (If, when breaking the seal on DZNuts, you listen closely, you can almost hear the snorts and giggles of Dave and his crew as they wrote the text that goes on the tube and the website, referring to your “junk,” “goods,” “taint,” and — when they’re feeling demure — “perineal skin.” And, of course, the product is in fact named “DZNuts.”) made me do it.
On the Outside
As mentioned, since I didn’t really care about the product itself, I’m going to spend most of my review talking about the package (ha).
Let’s begin with the box.
I admit to some discomfort at the notion of buying any kind of cream at all from a man with a porn star mustache who has elected to name said product after his own testicles.
Perhaps this means I am a prude. I can live with that.
What I love, however, is the way Dave hits us over the head with the taint gag:
“Proper MAINTAINTANANCE of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.”
It’s a good thing he bolded “taint,” made it all caps, and put it in red, or I might’ve missed it.
More informative, however, is the list of key ingredients, which can be found on the product website, as well as on the box itself.
These key ingredients are:
- Tea Tree Oil: This is included as an anti-bacterial and anti-fungal. What’s not mentioned — but is extremely important, at least to me — is whether they filtered that tea tree ten million times, so as to be certain no traces of bark are left.
- Evodia: This is an anti-inflammatory from Chinese medicine. I’m also sure it’s one of the lesser-known Elven warriors from Lord of the Rings.
- Masterwort: Dave says this is an herb used for its “wound healing and calming properties.” I’m going to call BS on this one. The one thing my taint — which is already probably asleep after a nice long ride — doesn’t need is something with calming properties. I need something with wake-up properties. So why is masterwort in DZNuts? My theory is that Dave just thought the name was cool-sounding in a medieval way. For the next batch, I recommend they also say they’re including Hair of Toad, Eye of Tiger, and Oil of Snake.
My very favorite thing on either the box or the tube — which is good, because it’s on both the box and the tube, leading me to think they ran out of ideas for what to put on this box and tube — is the instructions.
- Drop your shorts to your ankles, or remove completely from body. Does anyone else’s “Fight or Flight” reflex kick in when a man with a pornstar mustache and a tube of lubricant instruct you to drop your shorts to your ankles (or, worse, remove them altogether)? Because I’m panicking here.
- Apply a liberal amount directly to your perineal area. At — after shipping — $7.00 per ounce, I’ll bet they want me to use a liberal amount. Also, I really don’t see how it would even be possible to use this tube to apply directly to my taint unless I were to adopt a position which I absolutely positively never ever ever would want to be discovered in. I love the image in this step, though. It looks like I’m supposed to squirt the cream onto my hand and then wave my hand around in the air in a stirring motion.
- Be a champion and enjoy your long, satisfying, comfortable ride. Let’s face it: they put this step in here because they didn’t want to have just two steps. That’s fine, but I would recommend that they just put the word “Profit!” here instead.
Trying It Out
You can tell I’m stalling, can’t you? After the trauma of trying Assos Chamois Creme years ago, I have been terrified of ever spalming again.
And yet, I fear that without applying some of DZNuts to my “junk,” this review would have been somehow incomplete.
OK. Let’s do this.
Hey, look. There’s spalm in my palm. Roughly $2.75 worth, I believe.
Now, I’m going to (mercifully) spare you the photos of the moment of application. Because this is a family blog. Also, because I don’t want to gross anyone out.
I was worried that I would look like this:
Or possibly even this:
But the truth is, it was more like this:
Which is to say, DZNuts has a little kick, but is not at all painful. That is, you do not get the Ben-Gay-in-Jockey-Shorts effect.
Which is a good thing.
Final Words
As someone who for some reason doesn’t seem to suffer from saddle sores (maybe I use so much Tabasco sauce that my sweat is toxic to bacteria and fungi) or saddle soreness, it’s hard for me to tell whether this is the real deal. I expect it well could be — I’ll pass the tube around at the Leadville 100 this Saturday and gather impressions afterword.
And, by all means, if any of you out there have experience in the matter, please leave a note in the comments section. I’m sure everyone is interested in your impression of Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts.
Comments (100)
08.4.2008 | 11:45 am
Dear Rock & Republic, Rock Racing, and Michael Ball,
I’m so excited right now, I can hardly type straight? Why? I’ll tell you why. Because I just got the following email!
Before I go any further, I want to take a moment for thanking you for your consideration in not spamming me. I know that since Rock Racing does a new jersey every time they have a long training ride, you could easily be sending me notifications like this two or three times per week. By saving up your email blasts so that you only send out an announcement when you have a dozen or so new jerseys to sell, I’m assured that I won’t be getting more than two or three of these messages per month.
Anyway, I was so excited that you have some new jerseys I can buy from you that I zipped right on over to your website, where I beheld this awesome set of jerseys, among others:
When I looked at these, Rock Racing, I admit that I briefly panicked. Since I only have a budget of $500 for bike jerseys this month, which two of these fabulous jerseys should I choose? The black one with the winged skull? Or the black one with the winged skull and red collar and cuffs? Or should I go with the black one with the winged skull, the crown of thorns, and the "Cadillac" logo in blood red?
So many choices!
I have to be honest with you, Rock Racing. while I’m really excited about every one of the jerseys you have on your site and intend to buy one of every single one of them (and have taken out a third mortgage on my house to facilitate this intention), I find myself looking askance at some of your less expensive jerseys.
For example, while I am unquestionably drawn to the "O.G. Jersey in White," I’m a little bit put off by the $180.00 price tag. What about it makes it worth $40.00 less than the "Crucifixion Jersey in Black?" Is it because the black ink is a lot more expensive? Or maybe it’s because Labor Day (U.S.) is coming up really soon and you want to get rid of all your white jerseys before then, so you’re selling them at blow-em-out prices?
If that’s the case, good call.
If, however, the "O.G. Jersey in White" is less expensive because it’s somehow different — like maybe the skull isn’t quite Satanic-looking enough, or riders who wear it don’t look as pouty and spoiled as they ought, could you let me know?
Or, failing all that, would you mind if I just go ahead and pay you $240 for that jersey, so I’ll feel like I’m getting a really — not just nearly — exclusive jersey? Thanks in advance.
Of course, Rock Racing, I like to be an informed consumer. So, even though I would gladly pay top dollar for these jerseys even if they were made of cheesecloth, I like to know my facts. So, as I went to the details page of one of your most expensive jerseys (but not by any means your very most expensive), I was elated to find you did not disappoint:
Frankly, I’m still suffering from information overload, guys, but let me see if I’ve got this straight:
It’s a polyester jersey with three pockets in the back. And a zipper in the front.
My head’s still reeling from all this, but I still want to know a few things. First of all, how can you guys possibly afford to sell such incredibly distinctive jerseys at this deeply discounted price? This is America, guys; nobody’s going to fault you for trying to make a profit.
Next, why’d you go with three pockets, when you could have gotten away with two, or even one, like most jersey manufacturers? Your constant innovation shows that you’re not just making jerseys to make a quick buck; you’re thinking deeply about what cyclists need. And if that means the rest of the cycling apparel industry has to play catch-up for the next several years, well, so be it.
I can see you went with 100% polyester for the jerseys. Unless, as according to your Sizing and Technical Info page, they’re actually 75% polyester. Either way, I think you went with exactly the right amount of polyester.
And to top it all off: an elastic grip at the bottom? A mandarin collar? Raglan sleeves?
You guys are going to blow this industry wide open. You should maybe change your pricing structure. $180 – $220 for polyester jerseys with zippers in the front and pockets in the back is just not enough.
And that actually leads me to a couple of small — oh, ever so small — grievances I have with you, Rock Racing. The first one is this:
Do you really mean to tell me that in addition to having pockets and zippers in your $210 polyester jerseys that you’re going to foot the bill for shipping (ground only) yourself?
C’mon, guys. Give yourselves some credit. We know you care more about your customers than yourselves, but I feel like I’m stealing food right out of your children’s mouths.
Seriously, I demand that you let me pay shipping for my $220 jersey. $84.00 sounds about right.
But then you guys take it one step further. You go and give me a free poster if I spend more than $250 (e.g., if I buy nothing more than the $220 Crucifixion jersey and the matching $45 Crucifixion gloves).
Of course, you stipulate that the posters are only free as long as supplies last. And if I don’t miss my guess, those posters are long gone by now, because people are going to climb over the tops of each other getting their $250+ orders in so they can get that free poster.
I, for example, made 18 separate $250+ orders as soon as I became aware of this offer. Free shipping on all of them! 18 free posters! And I only spent $4680, for which I got 14 jerseys, two pair of gloves, ten t-shirts, and 4 pair of bib shorts!
But now, after the fact, I admit that I feel guilty. I took advantage of your kindness, greedily hogging those posters for myself.
I am such a heel.
Please, Rock Racing guys, let me pay for those 18 posters. I’ll bet that you innovatively printed them on glossy paper, lovingly roll them up, and insert them into a premium cardboard shipping tube. For this kind of distinctive, elegant product and service, I expect to pay a fair price.
$96 per poster sounds about right to me.
Kind Regards,
The Fat Cyclist
Comments (93)
08.2.2008 | 1:00 pm
This time of year, sleeping in seems like a woeful waste of a morning. The only time of day when it’s both light and cool outside is from about 6:00am to 9:30am. This is, without a doubt, the best time of day to get out on a ride.
So, at 6:30 on a recent morning, the Core Team(tm) gathered at my house.
But we didn’t go on a ride.
Instead, they were there to build a ramp in the garage so Susan’s new scooter (which we’d be getting later in the day, thanks to a surprisingly streamlined health insurance process and cooperative professionals in the doctor’s office, the medical supplies store, and the insurance company) would be able to easily get in and out of the house.
We started with my garage looking like this:
Bry, on the right, builds houses for a living, and is also an incredibly strong cyclist. His only real failing is that he’s also a triathlete. Nobody’s perfect. Anyway, Bry brought the wood, the tools, and the expertise. Without him, we’d all still be arguing about where and how to make the first cut.
I would like to point out here that the fact that my garage was this tidy and ready for us to build the ramp is one of my crowning lifetime achievements. I so regret not having gotten a "before" picture of the garage. Moving everything was no small feat, especially when you take into account that my right arm is currently no good for lifting anything heavier than 15 pounds.
Bob also showed up, which is not a minor thing when you consider he lives in Seattle.
Or rather, I should say that Bob lives in his Seattle, while Bob’s hair lives in both Seattle and two adjacent suburbs.
Brad — CarboRocket entrepeneur and manager of the very cool Salt Lake City Bicycle Company — brought breakfast: hot bread, stuffed with sausage.
I have a question: Brad clearly doesn’t eat any better than I do. He eats more than I do, and he eats heavier food than I do. So how come he looks like a pro cyclist, and I look like…well…a fat cyclist?
Kenny came too, and got to work immediately.
Oh, now that’s just not fair. Here’s a different picture of Kenny:
I know, it looks like he’s just standing around, but he’s actually measuring something there. Don’t you love the way the camera flash lights up the sawdust in the air? Looks like it’s snowing in that photo.
And, last but not least, Dug came too.
In this photo, Dug’s supervising while Kenny shows Brad how to cut off his thumb with a mitre saw. Turns out it’s surprisingly easy!
Quick Work
Bry was the contractor who finished our basement at this house, and he did it incredibly fast — and well. Every time I see him work, I wish I were a more manly man. Bry rushed around, measuring, cutting, and giving orders, multitasking like a madman. Except for the "mad" part of "madman," because Bry was neither mad-as-in-angry nor mad-as-in-insane. He was just really fast and in charge.
And the ramp went up fast. Really fast.
Check it out. Even I’m doing some work. I guarantee that if this ramp fails, it will be right at the point where I was working.
Kenny with a nail gun scares me.
To keep the grade of the ramp as gradual as possible, We made it go along the back wall of the entire three bays of the garage. Susan should be able to go down it without feeling like she’s dropping into a halfpipe.
We figured if the ramp could take the combined weight of Bob and his hair, it could take anything.
By 11:00am, we were done.
Test Run
Before I move on to the next part of the story, I want to say thanks to everyone who offered help and guidance on picking out a scooter. Especially Rusty Church — a Fat Cyclist reader who owns a medical supply store in Arizona. Last year, when Susan was having her hip replaced, Rusty gave us a brand new wheelchair. He offered to help us with a good deal on a scooter now, too, but in the end it turns out that if I want to get insurance to pay 80% of the cost of the scooter (and believe me, I do), I needed to buy one of a specific set of scooters from one of a specific set of local vendors.
So, with the ramp in place, Susan and I picked up the scooter that afternoon. Here she is, rolling it down for the first time:
And then, back up:
For those of you who are curious, once she gets to the bottom of the ramp she makes a left and then rolls down an aisle I made between shelves in the third garage bay:
Sure, it looks a mess, but it’s plenty wide.
So Who’s Going to Pay for This Thing?
As I increasingly often do, I need to give a big "Thanks" to you Fat Cyclist readers. The donations you made paid for the wood, and covered my 20% of the scooter. My out-of-pocket on this was $0.00.
So: Thanks.
Susan and I have done some practice cruises around the neighborhood. It’s easy for her to use, the scooter goes as fast as she likes, and it gets up and down sidewalk ridges, driveways, and around our neighborhood’s hilly streets with no problem.
In other words, Susan’s got a big chunk of her independence back, and she loves it.
So, once again: thank you.
PS: Anyone need a small air conditioner? As I was organizing the garage last weekend, I ran across the portable air conditioner (stands alone, has a hose that empties heat out the window) we bought for our house back when we lived in Washington. It (the AC, not the house or the state) should still work fine, but we don’t use it anymore. With this summer being as hot as it is, I imagine there’s someone local who could make use of it. Email me if you need it, then come pick it up. No charge — when the world is being as generous to us as it is lately, I’d feel like a turd if I charged for this. UPDATE: The portable AC unit is now spoken for.
Comments (49)
07.29.2008 | 10:54 pm
Sorry about the lack of posts lately. Things are kind of brutal here right now. A few specifics from yesterday:
- Susan has to start chemo again soon. While Susan’s cancer is under control in a lot of places — the tumors haven’t come back in her lungs, for example — we’re having a very difficult time with the cancer in her bones. So she has to start chemo again soon.
- Susan was supposed to start chemo the day after I leave for Leadville. Luckily, the doctor says it won’t affect things one way or the other to start a few days later. That’s good, because…
- The chemo Susan will be starting will be pretty nasty stuff. It’s a pill she’ll take five of per day, and the side effects sound worse than the symptoms of anything I’ve ever had. So I’m glad she doesn’t have to start right when I’d be going to Leadville; I couldn’t live with myself taking a vacation while she starts a very lousy round of medication.
- The chemo Susan will be starting will now begin on the eve of our 20th Wedding Anniversary. “Happy anniversary, Susan! Here’s something that will make you violently ill!”
- The chemo Susan will be starting will cost us around $500 per month. If there’s ever been someone who’s been grateful he has a blog that actually makes a little bit of money, it’s me. Between my ads and the jerseys, that new expense is covered.
- The radiation doesn’t seem to be helping. Susan isn’t doing any better with her walking. She can’t feel her legs, and they don’t want to do what she tells them to do. She can still get around with a walker, but only just.
I’m pretty sure there’s more, but I’m too exhausted to remember right now.
Can you tell I’m feeling kind of down right now?
Tomorrow
The thing is, I’ve got what seems to me to be a pretty funny post stuck in my head. I’m hoping to write it tomorrow (I was going to write it tonight, but this is about all I’m good for right now).
PS: There is actually one really good thing on the horizon for Susan — nothing to do with health, I’m afraid, but really cool nonetheless. The problem is, until / unless it really happens, I have been forbidden from telling anybody — not friends, not family, not anybody — what this potentially really good thing is. So I’m having to make do with just telling you there’s something good that’s on Susan’s mind, it’s big, and when / if I know more, you can bet I’ll let you know.
PPS: No, I don’t even know how soon I’ll know.
Comments (91)
07.29.2008 | 8:55 am
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