07.21.2008 | 11:39 am
Eleven days ago, I posted about a mountain bike wipeout I had. What I haven’t talked about is the agony I’ve gone through since then.
No, not the agony of a separated shoulder, though I’ve had a few moments of exquisite pain — usually brought on when I forget, or do something reflexively (like when I tried to catch a wayward frisbee yesterday…not a good moment for me).
The agony I’m talking about is the agony of not riding my bike.
See, I have a big race — The Leadville 100 — coming up in just a few weeks, and now’s not exactly a great time for me to be taking a week or two off the bike.
So I haven’t. In fact, I think I took off a total of three days — enough time that I was confident I could lift my right arm high enough to rest it on the handlebar.
In medical circles, this kind of behavior is known by two terms:
Yes, I knew when I first got back on the bike that I couldn’t handle it. And I knew when I did a ride on my singlespeed road bike last week that my shoulder wasn’t up to the effort it took to row a bike for twelve miles of climbing.
And yet, I did it anyway. I couldn’t help myself.
What I needed was something — some device attached to my bike — that would have compensated for my lack of common sense.
And — face it — you’ve probably done the exact same thing: gotten back on your bike and started riding when your recovery and safety would have better served by your spending quality time with the television.
And that, my friends, is why I’m pleased to announce that I have invented exactly such a device: The Bike Limiter(tm).
What It Is
Available by prescription, the Bike Limiter is actually a set of mechanical devices attached to your bike(s) in key locations (these will be made clear momentarily). The prescription will determine specifically how and when the Bike Limiter works.
How and When It Works
Once attached to your bike, the Bike Limiter either prevents or restricts your bike riding, depending on the permissions and timetable your doctor has set. For example, your doctor may set up your Bike Limiter timetable as such:
- Day 1 – 7: No riding whatsoever. If you do try to ride during this time period, razor blades will spring through the rims of your wheels, slicing your tires to ribbons, and your handlebars will become white-hot, possibly setting your bar tape or grips afire.
- Day 8 – 14: Short, seated rides only, on flat terrain. You are now allowed to ride for thirty minutes or so, but only on flat roads. If the inclinometer notices that you are on a grade of 4 degrees or greater, it will immediately apply the rear brake until you have turned around. If excess weight is applied to the handlebars, they will deliver a painful (but not debilitating, hopefully) electric shock. And after the thirty minutes has elapsed, your seatpost will begin sliding into the seattube at a rate of 1cm / minute (the Bike Limiter uses metric measurements, naturally). If you go offroad (as sensed by excessive vibrations in your bicycle), your saddle catches fire.
- Day 15 – 30: No epic rides. Two hour rides are now allowed. However, if you exceed this allotted time, your front derailleur shifts radically, dropping your chain. If you continue your ride, the rear derailleur does the same thing, but in such a way as to give you horrible chainsuck.
- Day 31 – 45: No stupid technical stuff. The Bike Limiter uses a GPS to validate where you’re riding against a comprehensive topographical map of the world, all rated 1 – 10 by technical expertise required. If you get on a trail of a difficulty greater than what your doctor recommends, the Bike Limiter sets off a siren for three seconds, giving you time to dismount your bike. After that, it releases quick-drying epoxy into your headset, completely freezing out your steering (a highly-effective deterrent to continuing an unwise mountain bike descent.
And it comes with a handy remote-control key fob, so that when you park your bike, you can click to arm it, making for a pretty darned good anti-theft mechanism.
The Bike Limiter is pure genius. As a substitute for common sense for injured cyclists, it couldn’t have a better-targeted demographic.
PS: Pre-order week for the 2009 Fat Cyclist jersey is now over. A big “thank you” to those of you who took the time to place an order. For those of you who forgot, didn’t have the money right now, or just weren’t sure you wanted one, don’t worry: we ordered a few extras. They’ll go on sale when they arrive in early November, and I’ll give ample warning on when they’ll be available.
Also, a big “Thanks” to the guys at Twin Six, who somehow manage to outdo themselves with jersey designs, and then do a great job of managing the influx of orders that comes their way.
PPS: Check out yesterday’s issue of The Toledo Blade. Lukas Kummer is featured in an article about bike commuting, and is looking good in his Fat Cyclist jersey. Way to fly the flag, Lukas!
Comments (38)
07.18.2008 | 4:14 pm
A Note from Fatty: This weekend’s your last opportunity to pre-order a 2009 Fat Cyclist jersey. Click here for details, or go to Twin Six to order (Men’s or Women’s) now. Thanks!
Dear Travis Brown,
We’ve never met before, but I just wanted to say that I’m a huge fan…of your uncle.
You see, Travis, yesterday my wife and I spent the entire day going from MRI to radiation to radiation marking and simulation and then to meeting with the doctor.
I, laughably, thought that it was my ninja-like skills with dealing with the medical bureaucracy that made all the doors open and appointments fall into place.
I was wrong.
It turns out that it was your uncle — Dr. Richard Brown — who made everything fall into place.
Evidently, after meeting with my wife on Wednesday and hearing her complaints about losing feeling in her legs, he started thinking about her. And worrying. And wanting to find out what was wrong.
From what he describes, it bothered him all that evening. I don’t know if all doctors bring their work home with them, but I’m glad your uncle did.
Anyway, your uncle had his nurses and receptionists make calls and get everything in place, so when I called to demand we get working now on finding out what was wrong with Susan, they were already on it.
So yesterday, acting on your uncle’s hunch, we did the spine imaging and then brought the images on over to him.
There’s a tumor in her spinal cord, blocking the nerves that send to and receive messages from the legs.
Within an hour, Dr. Brown had a plan in place: Susan would get marked up for radiation right away. Then your uncle would stay late that night planning out how the area where the radiation would target. Then Susan would come in the next day (that’s today) and start the radiation. And your uncle would open up the clinic on Saturday and Sunday so she could continue the radiation without losing any more time.
Then he asked why I shave my head. I said it’s to avoid having helmet hair. And that’s how your name came up. He says he’s your uncle, and that you’re a good kid (though I have to be honest and say that I think the whole 69er thing is just wacky).
Anyway, Travis, your uncle’s a good doctor and a good man. I thought you should know.
Kind Regards,
The Fat Cyclist
Comments (46)
07.17.2008 | 2:41 pm
We dropped off the MRIs and went to go get something to eat. While we
ate (parked in the clinic parking lot) they called me back.
How did anyone ever communicate before there were mobile phones?
Anyway, they said what we expected: a tumor on Susan’s spine is what’s
causing the numbness and inability to move her legs.
So they’re doing her hip radiation right now, after which they’re
going to get Susan set up to start radiation on that part of her spine.
What’s really weird to me is that this kind of thing now seems
completely normal. In fact, both Susan and I had the same reaction:
“Oh, good. They can radiate both places at once. That will save us a
lot of drive time and gas money.”
Yes, we are now at the point where we get excited about the prospect
of saving a little cash by consolidating radiation appointments.
Comments (41)
07.17.2008 | 1:30 pm
You know, you can get good at anything if you practice a lot. This is
true even of scheduling doctor appointments and tests. And that’s why
even though Susan was scheduled to see a vascular specialist on August
15, I got her in to see him yesterday. And that’s why Susan’s getting
a bunch of MRIs right now instead of a week from now.
I’ve learned to navigate the medical beauracracy.
Amazing.
With any luck we’ll soon have a plan fir how to help Susan overcome
the increasing numbness and immobility in her legs.
Comments (10)
07.16.2008 | 7:52 am
A note from Fatty: The 2009 Fat Cyclist Jersey pre-order week continues. Click here for details on reserving this seriously sexy jersey for yourself so you don’t have to elbow someone else out of the way to get one when the jerseys arrive.
A couple of weeks ago, a group of us did my favorite road century: the Nebo Loop. It’s got everything: a nice warmup, followed by an incredibly challenging climb — about 18 miles and 5000 feet of climbing, if I remember right. Then a fast, open descent and a 40 mile return on the flats — a good opportunity to talk and work on your paceline skills.
It was really an excellent day. The group was well-matched, the weather cooperated (it didn’t get hot until toward the very end of the ride, and we had a mild tailwind most of the way home), and traffic was minor.
What really stood out for me, though, was my excellent choice in nutrition during the ride.
You see, the day before the ride, I realized I was low on gels and Clif Bars, so I dropped by the local REI on my way home from work (my local bike shop is waaaaay out of the way, so you can all just forget about busting my chops about not going to my LBS to buy Clif Bars).
What’s great about REI is the huge selection of sports nutrition. There must be three aisles full of every conceivable permutation of bar, gel, and powder. I grabbed a cart and started randomly tossing stuff in, thinking maybe I’d stumble onto a great new find.
And then, about halfway through, I ran into that find.
Well, two of those finds, actually:
- PowerBar Gel Blasts. I figured these were PowerBar’s answer to Clif Shot Bloks. Curious, I threw a couple packets of each flavor — Lemon and Cola — into the cart.
- Jelly Belly Sports Beans. I bought a couple packets of pretty much every flavor available.
What I Ate
So, back to the ride. Just before the ride, for some reason I gravitated toward the Sports Beans and Gel Blasts. I think it was because the packets sat flat in my jersey: I’ve got enough extra bulk, thank you, I don’t need stuff in my pockets further tightening my jersey.
And so, partway up the ride, I made two very important discoveries:
- PowerBar Gel Blasts are delicious. Specifically, the Cola Gel Blasts are delicious. They’re the same size as Shot Bloks, sure, but they really taste like cola. And they have exactly the same texture as gummy bears. And they have a cola-flavored liquid center. Kind of like a Tootsie Pop, except Tootsie Pops have a Tootsie Roll in the center, not cola. So I guess actually they’re not very similar at all.
- Jelly Belly Sports Beans are also delicious. You know what Sports Beans taste like? Jelly beans, that’s what.
I wonder if either of these companies really think they’re fooling anybody. Both these things look and taste like candy. And I’m pretty sure they have the same nutritional value, too. Oh, sure, Jelly Belly talks about adding vitamins and electrolytes, but I’m pretty confident that the boost I’m feeling from these is the sensation of pure simple sugar hitting my bloodstream, not the special blend of vitamins and electrolytes.
Anyway, when we descended down Nebo to the Wendy’s / gas station in Nephi, I got myself a children’s burger (had a hard time finding the burger in there to tell the truth) and a Coke Float.
And then I refilled my water bottles with Diet Coke with Lime.
And you know what? I felt great the whole ride.
Here’s an epiphany: Junk food works great as on-bike fuel.
Wave of the Future
So, to recap, I ate candy, ice cream, and drank soda for most of this very intense ride. But I never would have even considered doing this if PowerBar hadn’t packaged up gummy bears in an expensive foil pouch. Or if Jelly Belly hadn’t put a handful of jelly beans in a cellophane wrapper, called them sports beans, and charged me a dollar for them.
And I’ll bet I’m not alone here. I’m betting, in fact, that you too need to have your favorite junk food rebranded and repackaged so that you can eat it on your next bike ride, and still feel good about yourself.
For example:
- Sports Coke. Really, this just needs to be regular Coke, but with less — or no — carbonation. In a year or so, they can come out with Sports Coke Lite, which will really be Diet Coke. It should come in Accelerade-ish bottles, with the wide mouth openings, so we can chug it (and more easily pour it down the fronts of our shirts). This is a billion dollar idea.
- Reese’s Sports Peanut Butter Cups. You know what has lots of protein? Peanuts do, that’s what. They should maybe also throw in some rice puffs into the mix so they can claim they’ve got an ideal protein / carbohydrate blend. They should probably also tweak the packaging so it has a straw built in, allowing you to slurp the melted chocolate / peanut butter mess straight into your mouth. By the way, I’ve got a great idea for a commercial for this: A mountain biker is eating a chocolate bar while riding. A roadie is eating from a big tub of peanut butter while riding. At the juncture of the road and trail, they collide, hilariously. Helmets askew and collarbones popping out of their jerseys, they engage in the standard Reese’s advertising pitch, but with a twist: “You’ve got chocolate in my rear derailleur!” Sure-fire winner. I guarantee it.
- Snicker’s Sports Bars. Oh, wait. That’s already been done.
- Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Sport Chunk: Ben & Jerry’s needs to start collaborating with Camelbak to come up with a little freezer I can wear on my back. Because I promise you that during the months of July and August, if I could eat ice cream while riding my bike, there is no price I would not pay. Ben & Jerry’s wouldn’t even have to lie about the ice cream being good for you, really. I think I’d be suspicious of ice cream that’s supposed to be healthy; I’ve tried fat free ice cream before: yech. I want the good stuff; I just need a way to carry it with me.
- Johnsonville Sports Bratwurst: OK, I have no idea how Johnsonville is going to try to convince me that there could possibly be a sports bratwurst. But I’d love to see them try.
Really, this is just the start. I’m guessing there are more than a few of you who wouldn’t be adverse to Budweiser Sports Beer. Or Sports Cheese.
Or — hear me out here — Sports Mayonnaise.
Hey, a man can dream, can’t he?
Comments (84)
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