04.6.2008 | 5:12 pm
I believe I have mentioned, once or twice, my most amazing superpower: the ability to eat, right after — or during — a ride. BotchedExperiment has in fact remarked upon this ability after I finished the Kokopelli Trail Race last year. While other people sat down and took timid sips of water, their digestive systems totally messed up, I plopped down in a lawnchair and asked — demanded — to be fed.
Sadly, this superpower does not manifest itself only after epic rides. This superpower is always present, always asserting itself. I love to eat. And eat and eat and eat.
And eat.
And that is why I am fully giddy at the prospect of the Inaugural Utah Tour de Donut, this July 12.
The Idea
I love the idea of the Tour de Donut, because it is so incredibly biased. And for what I believe is the case for exactly the first time in my life, that bias is toward me.
Here’s how it works.
- You do three 7-mile road laps.
- In between laps one and two, and between laps two and three, you eat as many doughnuts as you want. For each doughnut you eat, you get to subtract three minutes off your time.
Note: Puking DQ’s you.
At the end of the race, multiply the number of doughnuts you ate times three minutes and subtract that from your total time.
To me, it seems totally possible for me to finish this race with a negative time. Sure, I realize that’s a lot of doughnuts (~23 – 28), but as I said, this is my superpower.
I am already thinking over my race strategy.
- Equipment: For the first time in my life, I am seeing how a recumbent could be a really excellent ride choice, because I would be lying down while I ride. Considering the number of doughnuts I plan to eat, the hunched-over position required of a road bike seems suboptimal. We’re talking the difference between 20 doughnuts with a regular road bike versus 30 doughnuts with a recumbent. So: is there anyone willing to loan me a bent for a couple weeks? I promise to wash any sticky glaze, cream filling, and vomit off it afterward.
- Doughnut Quantity: This will have to be a game-time decision, based on the kind of doughnuts they have at the venue. If they’re Krispy Kreme plain glazed doughnuts, I’m good for 30, no sweat. Those are nothing but air. However, if they bring cake-style doughnuts or krullers or jam-filled, though, my doughnut consumption is going to go way down. Fortunately for me, my decision making skills with regards to doughnut consumption are perfect for this event. To wit: I generally don’t ever know when to quit.
- Day-Before Prep: The temptation for this kind of race would be to not eat the night before the race. As a lifelong glutton, however, I know this is a mistake. Countless times in my life, I have observed that after I have eaten heavily in the evening, I wake up hungry the next morning, my capacity greatly increased. I’m thinking the Carne Asada Burrito Grande at Mi Ranchito.
During the Race Itself
The key to this race is to never get above my aerobic threshold. That’s when your stomach seizes up. I’ll just stay in my ride-and-eat-all-day zone.
I will also use psychological tricks on my opponents, by visibly eating a Clif bar as I ride, for supplemental nourishment.
I will not drink any water at all when I am riding, since I will drink plenty of water between laps as I wash down doughnut after doughnut.
I am so going to clean up at the Utah Tour de Donut. Really, the only question is how badly I will beat everyone else.
PS: Congo, Caloi Rider, Jim Pettit, and Weann: Brad has declared you the winners of the CarboRocket Limerick Contest. Congratulations! Email me your shipping address and I’ll have Brad send you your prizes.
Comments (54)
04.3.2008 | 10:18 am
Dear Mr. Arokiasamy,
I just got what I assume is the first draft of your new press release; thanks for sending it my way.
I’ve got to say, Frank, this sucker needed work.
Luckily for you, I — in addition to being an Award Winning Blogger (2008 Weblog Award, “Best Sports Blog in the Whole World” Category) — have spent most of my career as an editor. As a favor to you, I’m sending you back your press release, edited for accuracy, honesty, and pragmatism.
Stuff I added is in red, stuff I deleted is in strikeout.
Kind Regards,
The Fat Cyclist
——————————————-
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
In an Effort to be Included on the UCI Calendar Re-Animate the Corpse of Its Completely Unrealistic Fantasy, Aqu, Inc. Reschedules Inaugural Tour of America Until 2009 to 2112
Pressing forward in the face of ridicule, eye-rolling, and general snorts and giggles, with route details and sponsorship agreements unwarranted bravado, Aqu also announces executive team is high on crack
LUMBERTON, N.C. – March 31, 2008 – Aqu, Inc., would-be organizers of The Tour of America (voted “least-likely to succeed” by its peers), a totally hypothetical multi-stage coast-to-coast professional bicycle road race, today announced rescheduling of the inaugural race until September 2009 or 2112, or when hell freezes over. Whichever comes first.
Since the original announcement of the Tour of America in September 2007, Aqu executives and staff members have met tried to meet with cities along the proposed route, potential sponsors and race teams. Unfortunately, not a single person has yet returned their calls. They have, however had success reaching, as well as staff members of USA Cycling and the Union Cycliste Internationale (UCI), the sport”s governing bodies. Specifically, they have reached the receptionist and night janitor, and are thoroughly looking forward to having lunch with them sometime in the next two years.
“After we announced the Tour of America last fall, we jokingly said we were going to do it hit the ground running to make the event happen in 2008,” said Frank Arokiasamy, Aqu”s president and would-be director of what would be called the Tour of America, if such a thing were to ever happen. “Everyone we have spoken with wants to see a ‘Tour de France-style” race here in the United We want to work with USA Cycling and UCI to establish this event as a compliment to the major international races, and at the same time not conflict with established races in the United States. Overall, we want to make sure the Tour of America strengthens the sport of cycling and the race calendar. In addition, potential sponsors and route cities have expressed strong support for a fall 2009 race laughs at us. I suspect this might be because we so far have not been able to get any teams to sign up, or any sponsors to sign up, or any cities to sign up. Other than that, things are going great.”
At this point, Arokiasamy began to weep.
Exact dates for the fall 2009 2112 — the first year at which this event could realistically happen — edition of the Tour of America has not been finalized, because climate change may have drastically altered the riding season by then, plus we’ll all be dead before it happens anyway. Tour of America staff are currently finalizing route details calling chambers of commerce all across America, trying to find out who the right guy is to ask if their bike race can take over their town for a day, hosting an event nobody’s ever heard of, sponsorship agreements (current sponsors include Peggy’s Bridal and Floral, All-A-Dollar, and Primal Jerseys) and proposed dates to comply with USA Cycling”s race application process. Once the application is submitted, USA Cycling will review it, find fault with it, demand a revised version submitted in triplicate, demand drug tests of every person who lives along the race route, send the proposal to committee, where it will sit for 104 years. At that point, an archaeologist will discover and submit the 2009 2112 Tour of America”s dates, along with all of the races on the national calendar, to the UCI for approval. UCI (also known as The Priests of the Temples of Syrinx) will then reject it without comment.
The Tour of America currently includes a staff of more than 25 people, including the following:
- Tour Director and Sponsorship – Frank Arokiasamy
- Race Director – Richard Dunn
- Team Relations Director – Todd Nurnberger
- City Relations Director – A.M. Noel
- Events Director – Rachel Enter-Guzman
- Volunteer Director – Rick Warren
- Marketing Director – Brian Ispen
- Merchandising Director – Auburn Collins
- Snacks - Elden Nelson
- Public Relations – Dick Pound
For more biographical information about the above staff members, please visit the About Us page.
The 2009 Tour of America is also looking for volunteers to help with city and race coordination along the race route. For more information about volunteering, please visit the Volunteer page. Please. We’re begging.
Background
Originally, we wanted The Tour of America will to be a 21-stage, 2,200 mile (more than 3,500 km) professional bicycle road race. Unfortunately, there’s no chance in the world that will happen, so we’re thinking maybe we’ll settle for a two-stage, 200-mile race. It will be the largest spectator event in the history of U.S. sports, traveling from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean. The event will include close to 200 riders (194.72 riders, to be precise), from 21 of the world’s elite cycling most imaginary teams in the world to participate and will boast a prize purse currently pegged at $10 million (in Monopoly money), the largest purse of any international cycling event. And hey, as long as we’re just making stuff up, let’s also say that everyone who participates gets a free pony.
On the first day of The Tour of America will start the racers will ride around in a parking structure about twenty miles from in New York”s Central Park. On the next day, we’ll have them fly across the country and finish in the San Francisco Bay Area. (To see the complete schedule, please visit the Routes page.
Until this venture by Aqu, all major international cycling races were held outside the U.S. Smaller stage races are currently held throughout the United States and draw respectable spectator crowds and provide significant economic impact to local communities. However, these races are geographically located within single states, while The Tour of America will span approximately 18 states and will travel through hundreds of towns and cities along the way. As such, the The 2009 Tour of America is expected to attract literally millions dozens of spectators along the 2,200-mile route.
Cities the racers will fly over along the race”s route include New York City, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Denver, Las Vegas, Sacramento, Napa, Santa Rosa and Palo Alto, to name a few. It will be totally awesome.l
For information about The Tour of America, please visit www.TheTourofAmerica.com.
About Aqu, Inc.
North Carolina-based Aqu, Inc. is the parent company of AquSports. Founded in July 2007 by Frank Arokiasamy, AquSports is dreams of one day being the producer and organizer of the 2009 Tour of America, a multi-stage, coast-to-coast, professional international bicycle road race. For more information about The Tour of America, please visit www.TheTourofAmerica.com your happy place, where all daydreams come true.
Comments (66)
04.2.2008 | 7:55 am
Yesterday, Dug IM’d me with a question: “Why are all the commenters so fervently kissing your butt?”
It was an excellent question, and it deserves an answer.
Yeserday was, of course, April Fools’ day. I love April Fools’ day. In fact, you will no doubt be totally unsurprised to learn that I think more about this holiday than all of the other holidays put together.
So, naturally, I wanted to have an April Fools’ joke for my blog. But that poses a problem. As you probably noticed yesterday, on April Fools’ day, other bike sites do stuff that I do every other day of the year.
So what does that leave for me to do? I didn’t want to post fake news — VeloNews did that. I didn’t want to do a fake product review; BikeRadar/CyclingNews did a good job with that.
So I did something a little more subtle, and can now claim that I have pulled off my favorite April Fools’ joke of all time (yes, even better than last year’s).
Specifically, I made a joke that wasn’t obviously a joke, with a huge, rolling punchline written by commenters.
Substandard
It is my fervent hope that you thought yesterday’s post was kind of lackluster. (In fact, my biggest concern when doing this joke was that nobody would be able to tell the difference between my normal writing and when I was trying to be lame on purpose.)
But then, if you read the comments of that section, the praise for the post is outrageously positive. Insanely positive and servile, in fact.
That’s because some people noticed the ads in the right column of my blog had changed, and tried clicking them.
For a guy who has very rudimentary Photoshop skills and no sense of design whatsoever, those ads were not easy. I’m leaving them up for one more day so if you missed them yesterday (likely), you can see them today.
Anyway, those ads all pointed to another page, that gave instructions to leave praise waaaaaay out of proportion to the quality of the post.
Thank You
The results went way beyond my expectations, with accolades so outrageous and overwrought that I laughed out loud more than a dozen times. If you haven’t looked at the comments for yesterday’s post, you must. They’re a thing of beauty.
In short, I got to be the straight man, with you readers delivering a terrific set of punchlines.
Thanks to everyone who played along!
Comments (34)
03.31.2008 | 9:03 pm
When you buy into a bike, you need to take several things into account:
- Road or mountain: Not everyone knows this, but most modern bikes are built with a specific application in mind. Some are better for going fast on smooth pavement. Some are built to handle offroad riding, letting you go up and over roots, rocks, you name it! Before you go into a bike shop, make sure you have a good idea which kind of bike you want.
- Cheap or very expensive: You’d be amazed at the great gulf that separates the least expensive bikes from the most expensive. A good-but-reasonably-priced bike can cost less than $700, while a custom-made exotic can cost ten times that amount. Ironically, the more expensive bike may weigh only one tenth as much. You’d think it would work the other way around.
- Which part of Taiwan was the bike built in? All bikes are now made in Taiwan, but not all of them are built in good neighborhoods in Taiwan. Ask the salesman, “Which city in Taiwan was this built in?” I’m sure you’ll get a prompt and helpful answer to that question.
- Was it built using IsoTruss technology? If it wasn’t, it’s simply not worth having.
What you may not have considered, however, is the bike color. The fact is, your bike’s color can say a lot about you, your riding style, and your value as a human being. Yes, it’s really that important. Consider:
- Red: If your bike is red, it says that you like to go fast, and also that you do not fear the sight of blood. If you are a timid rider, do not get a red bike.
- Black: If your bike is black, it says that you are either Emo, or that you don’t mind constantly cleaning your bike, because black really shows every speck of dust. I hope you’re not Emo, because Emo riders aren’t fun to ride with. They’re always listening to sad music, sighing heavily during the ride, and applying more black eye makeup during rest stops.
- Green: Don’t buy a green bike. If you have a green bike, someday you’ll lean it against a green tree or lay it down in the green grass and — poof — it will literally seem to disappear, due to the camouflage effect. Then everyone will have to get down on all fours and search for your bike by touch. It’s just not worth it.
- Orange: Depends on the color of orange. If it’s the color of orange juice, that’s fine, because that’s an honest orange. Same thing goes with pumpkin. Blaze orange is also good, but for a different reason: it will protect you from hunters. All other colors of orange are forbidden.
- Yellow: What, you think you’re some freakin’ “Mellow Johnny?” Is that it? Well, you’re not. There’s only one “Mellow Johnny,” and it’s Lance Armstrong. OK, I’m glad we’ve settled that. No yellow bike for you.
- Carbon Fiber: If I had all the money in the world, I would buy a nice steel frame and have it painted to look like carbon fiber. I think that would make an awesome statement.
- White: White is a terrific bike color, if you like to be boring.
- Grey: If you own a grey bike, everybody you ever ride with will feel slightly sadder, without knowing why. Also, they will know that you took this bike because it was in stock and on sale, not because it was really the bike you wanted.
I could go on, but I’ve lost interest.
PS: For those of you wondering why I didn’t do an April Fools’ post this year, it’s because I was busy writing one for a friend at a tech website. Click here to check it out.
Comments (103)
03.31.2008 | 8:23 am
I’m generally pretty good at being able to tell what I ought to wear on a ride just by looking out the window. A glance at the sky and the trees tells me what I need to know.
And so, last Friday, as I prepared for my inaugural bike commute to work, I put on tights, a long sleeved base layer, and a long sleeve jersey.
I rolled outside, got about 20 feet down my street, and turned around to go put on my Warm Front Chest Warmer (OK, it’s a dickey), a jacket, and some heavier gloves. It was cold out.
The Grand Irony of Cold Weather Cycling
Of course, just because I started out cold doesn’t mean that I stayed cold for very long. Two miles after I start riding, my commute turns up sharply as I ride up and over Suncrest — a four mile climb with 1500 feet of vertical gain.
Overweight, out of shape, and carrying a full messenger bag, I really felt that climb. Even with the strong wind and the cold day, I started sweating. A lot.
The fact is, it doesn’t matter how cold it is outside (up to a point, which I do not intend to cross). As long as you’re climbing, you’re warm.
The Evaporative Effect
Feel free to file this in the “too much information” category, but I’m a whole-body sweater. Face, arms, legs, chest, back, everything. When I ride, I am an incredibly efficient evaporative cooler.
Which, on a cold, windy day, when you’re facing a four-mile descent, is problematic.
Flying down the North side of Suncrest, I looked over at a catchbasin pond. It was iced over. So I knew, at least, that I wasn’t being a total baby about how cold I felt.
The big, open feel of the North Suncrest descent lets you see way ahead of you, giving you time to think. Here’s what I thought about:
- I need to reduce my riding distractions. Last year I really got into listening to an iPod while I rode. As I rode Friday, though, I didn’t have an iPod and realized that — at least sometimes — I prefer it that way. I think this is because when I’m listening to music, I’m thinking about music. When I don’t listen to music, I can think of other things. I’m not much of a multitasker; I can’t listen to music and think at the same time.
- I really like riding my bike. I’ve been riding the rollers for so long I was beginning to think that’s what cycling really feels like. It’s not. At all. Even though I was suffering badly from the climb, I was happy to be out again.
- My legs were channeling air into my crotch. My legs, due to their natural inverted V-shape that leads up to my crotch, are incredibly efficient at funneling as much frigid air as was physically possible right up to my nethers. On a warm, sunny day, this would be downright refreshing. But it wasn’t warm. And my tights were soaked with the sweat from my climb.
In short, my nethers became so cold it was actually painful. I became concerned about frostbite. And without becoming too descriptive, I think it’s reasonable for me to say that if it came right down to it, there are some digits I’d rather lose than others. And this was not one of the ones I’d put on the “OK to lose” list.
Thaw
Eventually, of course, I got to the bottom of Suncrest, and rode into work. My nose, toes, tips of ears, fingers, and one other part were all well and truly numb from cold.
You know what really hurts? When a body part that was numb from cold starts warming up.
But you know what really really hurts? When an exceptionally sensitive body part that was numb from cold starts warming up.
And that is why, for the first twenty minutes of Friday, I kept my office door closed. I didn’t want my coworkers to see me curled up on the floor, whimpering.
And then, of course, eight hours later I got to do the whole thing again, but in the opposite direction.
And starting out with damp riding clothes.
Comments (59)
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