03.27.2008 | 2:22 pm
I don’t think that I’ve mentioned before that my good friend Kenny is being sponsored by Spot bikes this year. Yeah, that’s right: the company doing that radically cool new belt drivetrain.
Well, they just sent him his bike (Unfortunately, Kenny hasn’t received the seatpost, saddle, or (saddest of all) drivetrain yet — those arrive next week). So Kenny — who just happens to have a photo studio in the back of his store — took and sent a few pictures. Always wanting to engender good feelings among my female demographic, I’m happy to share.
As a service for the ladies out there who want to make Kenny their desktop image, you can click on any of the below pictures for a larger version.
Kenny does his “Blue Steel” look. Little does he realize that I’ve let the air out of his front tire.
Insert drivetrain here. Also, check out those sexy spoke nipples.
Look at the components here. This was not built on the cheap.
I notice three things about this picture. First, Kenny looks so happy he may soon bust out into giggles. Second, due to the way the crank is positioned, it looks like Kenny’s wearing very high heeled shoes. Third, those glasses make him look like he needs to get back to work on at turning the lathe.
Like a lot of cyclists, I’m very interested to get a firsthand look at that belt drivetrain. Once Kenny’s got his bike together, I promise a good long writeup, with lotsa pictures…both of the bike and of Mr. Jones.
April Fools Jokes for Cyclists
A Note from Fatty: I’ve got a new article posted at BikeRadar today. You know the drill: you can read a snippet below, or click here to read the whole thing at BikeRadar.com.
April first is right around the corner, which means you need to put all other thoughts aside and ask yourself: “How can I, as a cyclist, make a fool of my friends and family?”
Due to the expensive nature of the sport, the complex social interactions involved, and the obscene amount of time cycling requires, your April Fools’ jokes options are practically unlimited.
I offer these as examples.
New Bike
If you are anything at all like me, you have from time to time tried to sneak a bike into the stable, hoping your better half won’t notice one more bike among the legions already there. Therefore, if your significant other is anything like mine, she (or he) makes a point of scanning the garage on a daily basis, taking inventory of your bike stable to see if it has grown.
So, this April Fools, borrow a bike — a really nice bike, of about the same size of your other bikes — from a friend. Not to ride, but just to park. Put it by your other bikes in such a way that it looks like you’re trying to hide it.
And then don’t say a word.
When your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever eventually notices and asks about the bike, simply reply, “It’s just a bike.”
“You bought a bike without consulting me?” will be the response.
Look away. Swallow. Stammer. Then say, “Not exactly.”
“Exactly what, then?”
Which is when you say “April Fools!” and you both have a good laugh, or you get clobbered with the nearest heavy, blunt object. Could go either way.
Let the Air Out of One Tire
Before the ride, let all the air out of one of your riding buddy’s tires (while they’re not looking, of course). It’s a well-known fact that cyclists have a conditioned reflex to flats: go into FFTT (Flat Fix Time Trial) mode — see how fast they can fix the flat, without ever taking into consideration the possibility that nothing at all is wrong with the tire, except of course that there’s no air in it.
The best part of this trick is, of course, watching them futilely hunt for the offending thorn or piece of glass in the tire. Just for fun, keep count to yourself of how many revolutions of tire inspection they go through before giving up.
Bonus money-saving trick: After your riding friend has changed the tire, volunteer graciously to take the tube. You’ll get points for taking a bad tube off their hands, with the added benefit of having been given — absolutely free — a perfectly good tube.
Click here to continue reading “April Fools Jokes for Cyclists” at BikeRadar.com.
Comments (39)
03.26.2008 | 8:55 pm
Here’s an amazing fact about one of my best friends, Brad Keyes: he makes a living as an independent mortgage broker.
I’ll let that just soak in for a while. Once you’ve recovered from your dumbfoundedness, I’ll be happy to continue.
Brad is also working on putting a couple of yurts on some land he just purchased on Gooseberry Mesa, which will give him the bar-none most-desirable mountain biking camping destination in Utah, which is saying a lot.
By the way, I have already gotten him to promise to do a contest on my blog to win a guided overnighter to Gooseberry once he’s all set up. It’s going to be the most hotly contested contest on this site ever.
And today, Brad’s got yet another venture he’s announcing, and a chance for you to win.
CarboRocket: Drinktastic
I’m not certain what makes Brad try doing what he does. But he tends to pull it off.
One of the things he’s doing right now is inventing his own sports drink: CarboRocket. Right now, he has only one flavor: mango, though I understand he’s come up with another flavor he likes just as well: kiwi-lime. He’s tried coming up with other flavors, but he’s scratched them, because they didn’t taste good.
It is, without question, the most awesome sports drink I have ever tried. Because it tastes good. It’s mellow. Not particularly sweet.
And it’s made by a friend of mine, either in his garage or kitchen (I hope it’s in his kitchen, but I haven’t asked and don’t think I will).
And, as of today, it’s for sale. You can buy it at CarboRocket.com. And you should.
But you can also win a canister of it. By — naturally — writing an awesome limerick about CarboRocket.
The Contest
The idea behind this contest is ridiculously simple, although perhaps more ridiculous than simple. In my comments section, write a limerick about CarboRocket. Brad will pick as many of the limericks as he likes and combine them into a CarboRocket Theme Song Mashup, which we shall force Kenny to sing (Kenny has an awesome singing voice, and I’m not kidding). We’ll record it, put it to music, and make it available for download. Hey, maybe we’ll make a video.
If he likes your limerick, you get a 20-serving canister of CarboRocket, free. It’s that easy.
But I have a couple restrictions I’d like to arbitrarily impose, just because, as the world’s best sports blogger, I can.
- Mind your meter: If the meter of the limerick feels forced or is just plain off, it’s disqualified. Kenny’s gotta sound good when he sings this thing; you can’t expect him to squeeze in an extra three syllables into the bar just because you couldn’t think of a shorter word that rhymes with “triumverate.”
- No fake rhymes: I hate sight rhymes. I hate near rhymes. If it doesn’t seem like a rhyme to my six year olds, it’s not.
- Be both clever and bizarre. That’s not actually a restriction I’m imposing; it’s more of a tip to help you ingratiate yourself with Brad.
- Do not use the word “pocket” in your limerick. I know, it’s the most obvious rhyme to “rocket.” Too obvious. So I’m eliminating it, just to throw my weight around. You should just be glad I’m not also eliminating “socket,” “locket,” and “knock it.”
Good luck. I’m sure you’ll win. But maybe you’d better go ahead and order a canister right now, just in case you don’t.
Comments (116)
03.26.2008 | 3:04 pm
Dear Mr. Vaughters,
I’d like to congratulate you on having your pro cycling team invited to the 2008 Tour de France. That’s quite an honor. Or at least I think it is. It’s hard to say for sure, anymore.
Anyways.
- Don’t let anyone eat an actual burrito
- Ask — nicely — to get a different kind of trophy
- Cut out the argyle gag. It’s not nearly as funny when you’re sober
- Do something with Zabriskie. But I’m not sure what
Comments Off
03.25.2008 | 6:00 am
A Note From Fatty: Yes, I really am sending this letter to Oakley today.
Dear Oakley,
First, I’d like to introduce myself, even though you have no doubt already heard of me (because I am the Award-Winning author of the Best Sports Blog in the World). I am Elden Nelson, the owner, primary contributor, and CSO (Chief Strategy Officer) of FatCyclist.com, an extremely popular and intelligent road and mountain biking blog dedicated to making lots of fart jokes.
I am also a big fan of Oakley.
Specifically, I have owned and worn the same pair of Oakley Racing Jackets — outfitted with my prescription — since 2002. Or maybe it was 2001.
Let’s just say I wore them before Hincapie did, and leave it at that.
Here I am, wearing them at the end of last year’s Leadville 100.
Until I had these Racing Jackets, Oakley, I have never kept any pair of glasses — prescription or not — for more than 18 months. But these things have stood up to everything.
Including, I should point out, at least one spectacular face plant. Here I am, half a moment before impact (click to see a larger version of the image and you’ll be able to tell that I am in fact wearing those Racing Jackets).
These have been fantastic glasses, Oakley. I get great peripheral vision from them, they’re comfortable, they’re durable, and they don’t fog.
But I’ve got a problem. They’re old, and they’re starting to show it. Take a look:
It’s not just the wear and tear, though, Oakley. It’s the whole look. It’s like I’ve had the same haircut for six years (or it would be, if I had any hair). People are starting to point fingers at me and laugh behind my back in my blog’s comments section.
I’m worried, in short, that my Racing Jackets just aren’t very cool anymore.
The Real Problem
I wouldn’t waste your time, Oakley, if this were just about me. I would either just continue to wear the glasses I have, content in my well-established nerdliness, or I would suck it up and buy a new, different pair of glasses.
But this isn’t just about me. Far from it.
Oakley, I would like to introduce you to my good friend Kenny.
Kenny is everything about biking that I wish I were. Fast. Skilled. Sponsored.
And he’s good looking, too. Every time I post a picture of Kenny on my site, my traffic goes way up.
Yep, Kenny is one handsome man.
Or, I should say, he used to be. Check out Kenny with his new glasses.
You may think this is a joke, Oakley, but it is not. These are Kenny’s actual new mountain biking glasses. I cannot decide which of the following these make him most resemble:
- A high school wood shop teacher
- A kid who’s about to have his lunch money stolen
- Someone who’s on his way to a Squash tournament
Regardless, you will have to agree with me that the impulse to wrap a piece of electrical tape around the bridge of the glasses is practically irresistible.
What I’m Asking For
Oakley, I would love to sing your praises for another five years. And all it’s going to take for you to get me — the world’s greatest sports blogger — to do this is to comp me two pair of your new LiveStrong Radar Path glasses (one pair set up for my prescription, one pair set up for Kenny’s).
Consider the good you’d be doing, Oakley. For yourself, you’d be getting fantastic exposure and publicity, which I know is otherwise a huge problem for your company.
For me, you’d be keeping me in Oakleys, and reducing my outdated nerd quotient by 18% (estimated).
And for Kenny, you’d be rescuing him a life of looking like Fred Garvin.
Thank you for your consideration,
Elden “Fatty” Nelson
www.fatcyclist.com / Winner of the 2008 Bloggies Award for Best Sports Blog in the Whole World
Comments (87)
03.24.2008 | 8:06 am
I am an easygoing guy. A live-and-let-live type. I find the good in others and often donate to worthy charities.
But right now, I am full of righteous indignation. The deserving target of my withering anger? Mother Nature.
The reason is simple. She knew — oh, she knew all right — that today I’d be swamped with work. She knew that tomorrow would be no better. She knew that I’d be so freaking buried for a couple days that I wouldn’t see daylight ’til Wednesday.
And so what did she do? I’ll tell you what she did. She kicked off Spring here. Big time. It’s about 68 degrees right now, and by afternoon it’ll be in the 70’s.
There is no better temperature for riding, and no stronger draw to a cyclist than a beautiful Spring day after a long, cold, dark winter.
But there is no possible way for me today. And she’s rubbing my face in it.
I have just one question, Mother Nature: Why? Why are you torturing me this way? What have I done to you to warrant this merciless torturing?
OK, the above is technically three questions, but I consider the second question to be just an amplification of the first, and the third to be a rhetorical flourish more than an actual question. So it’s still just one question.
And I’d like an answer, Ms. Nature. Preferably in the form of a sudden cloudying up, followed by snow flurries and strong gusts of cold wind. That would go a long way toward making me feel better about being cooped up today.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Comments (52)
« Previous Page — « Previous Entries Next Entries » — Next Page »
