I am Both Jealous and Not Jealous

02.24.2008 | 9:09 pm

At 2pm local time today, the Iditarod began. 350 miles on snow. In Alaska. In the winter. Self supported.

Every couple hours, I find myself thinking, "So, I wonder how Jill from Up in Alaska is doing? For example, I had this thought while:

• I played "Rock Band" with my family. It turns out the video game can’t tell that I’m in fact a miserable singer. I can routinely hit 97% at Medium level, even on songs I don’t know. I haven’t tried the Hard or Expert settings yet. (I also do OK on the bass guitar at Medium, though I have to stay at Easy on lead guitar, and even Easy eludes me on drums).
• I played Uno with my family. My family’s hit an important milestone: all four of the kids are now old enough to understand and enjoy playing Uno. Which means Susan and I don’t have to split up and do different activities, one of us doing something with the boys, one of us doing something with the girls. It’s a big deal.
• I stood in awe at the sheer number of people in my house. Through a strange coincidence, my father, mother, three of my sisters and their families, two of my nieces, and all the kids from my son’s birthday party all wound up at my house during the weekend. At one point, there were 28 people in my house.
• I looked out the window at the strange weather: In the course of an hour today, heavy clouds turned to wind, then rain, which turned to hail, which turned to snow, which turned back to rain, and then back to wind and then just drizzle for the rest of the day.

I keep going to the Iditarod website, looking to see if there are any updates. And I’ve been reading Mike Curiak’s website (Mike is doing an even more extreme version of the event — basically doing it totally self-supported), fantasizing about the ambition, intensity, and just general fortitude that this kind of event requires.

And a big part of me is fantasizing about doing this kind of a race. I think about how I’ve never quit a race, even when things have gone badly wrong. I think about how when most people get despondent and exhausted from lack of sleep, I become cheerful.

I think about how I used to ride my bike through the arctic — yes, literally — winter in Rovaniemi, Finland. Without a hat. Cold bothered me less than it does most people.

Certainly, I’ve got what it takes to do the Iditarod, then, don’t I?

No, I don’t.

Because if I did have what it takes, I’d be doing the race. But I’m not. And I know that I never will.

Why not?

It’s not the distance. I’d be willing to ride that far. I’d relish it, in fact. I’m great at turning the cranks for an indefinite period of time.

It’s not the training. I’m at my best when I have something to look forward to.

It’s not the preparation. I love experimenting with and refining my gear.

What is it, then?

• It’s the danger. I’ve got four young kids and a sick wife. Now’s not a convenient time for me to die.
• It’s the wilderness. I know people who love looking at maps. I know people who are able to use a GPS to get themselves where they want to go. I know people who know how compasses work. I am not any of those people. No question about it: I’d be the next guy Jon Krakauer wrote a book about.
• It’s the cold. I’ve ridden twice in the snow this year. I had fun both times, but I didn’t find myself wishing I could spend a week outside.

In short, I have to admit: I lack the spirit for this kind of adventure.

I am the J. Alfred Prufrock of mountain biking.

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Blurgh

02.22.2008 | 12:06 pm

I hereby declare myself achy, cranky, foul-tempered, and sore-throated today. In short, I do not feel well. I have suspicions about why:

• Deadwood: I just finished Season 3 while exercising this morning, and found out that the cliffhanger will likely never be resolved, because there’s no season 4. That bit of nastiness should have been printed in big red letters right on the box: “Warning: upon finishing Season 3, you will want to watch Season 4, and there isn’t going to be one. Sorry.”
• Children: I have children. They go to school, where — against my advice — they interact with other children. Often, they don’t immediately afterward sanitize their hands, face and clothing as I have instructed them. So they have brought home disease.
• I Have angered the French. In comments in my BikeRadar article yesterday, as well as in comments in my own blog, I apparently upset some Frenchfolk (they used to be called “Frenchmen,” but this has recently found to be sexist), who felt I was being really mean by suggesting that one could successfully imitate a Frenchindividual (replacement for the now-out-of-vogue “Frenchman”) by watching Monty Python movies, eating french fries, acting haughty, and acting like winning the Bastille day stage mattered more than anything else in the Tour. In response, the Frenchfolk have compared me to people I have never heard of, used emoticons in an ironic manner, and have cursed me with a cold. Frenchfok, you have bested me and I apologize. Please give me back my health. And please, please, do not taunt me a second time.
• I am, quite simply, sick of Winter. I just want to go outside and ride. The last few months have been a great, snow-filled Winter wonderland, but I’ve had enough.

Still, I went ahead and exercised, for two hours, while watching the only series I could find on DVD at the moment: Tru Calling.

It was the longest two hours of my life. I confess that I was tempted to gouge out my eyes, but I did not.

Could someone please recommend a good TV series — and by good, I mean “action-packed” — to get me through the remainder of the winter?

Anyway, all I wanted to say is that I’m sick, which is why I’m writing this quick two-line post today. Which, obviously, has ballooned into a longish incoherent, rambling rant.

PS: I met my weight loss goal for the week — two pounds, bringing me to 170.4. I only barely made it, though. I probably shouldn’t, but I’m going to make another two-pound goal for next week, and the jackpot goes up to $150.

Comments (102)

Memo to Johan Bruyneel: How to Get into the TdF

02.21.2008 | 5:50 am

A Note from Fatty:I’ve got a new article posted on BikeRadar.com today. You can read a snippet of it below, or click here to read the whole thing. 

TO: Johan Bruyneel
FROM: The Fat Cyclist
DATE: 22 February, 2008
SUBJECT: Strategies for Getting into the Tour de France 

Dear Mr. Bruyneel,

First, my condolences on Team Astana not getting into the Tour de France this year. I am certain that you must be reeling from the shock and disappointment so profound as to nearly equal my own.

And yet, Mr. Bruyneel, I would urge you to not give up hope. Your team can still ride in the Tour de France in 2008, Johan (I hope you don’t mind me calling you Johan).

Simply follow these strategies.

1. Change Your Name.
For 2008, Team Astana changed management, racing philosophy, and most of the team. This, evidently, wasn’t what was needed. To convince ASO that you’re really OK, you need to not be Team Astana.

As evidence of the effectiveness of this technique, allow me to call your attention to Team T-Mobile High Road, which was every bit as messed up as Astana last year, but will be racing in the Tour de France this year.

You know why, don’t you? Because this year, they’re taking the high road, that’s why.

For your team name, I’d like to recommend "Compassionate Body Spinoffs." It sounds kind (that’s the "compassionate part"), sporting (the "body" part), and cycling-related ("Spinoffs").

Also, "Compassionate Body Spinoffs" is an anagram for "ASO is staffed by nincompoops," but that can remain our little secret.

And while you’re at it, you might want to also change the color of your uniforms. And I’m not saying that just to further the cause of tricking ASO into believing you’re a different team.

I’m saying it because Astana blue (aka "light teal") is an awful color.

2. Surrender to the French.
France and ASO really, really, really want a strong French team race in the TdF. This desire is somewhat hampered by the fact that there are no strong French teams.

So, why don’t you become French? It’s surprisingly easy. Here’s how:

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Tour of California

02.20.2008 | 6:41 pm

I’m feeling all guilty for not caring about this big pro stage race here on U.S. soil. So could someone please tell me who I should be rooting for at the Tour of California and why?

Otherwise, I’m likely to continue forgetting to care.

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Exclusive! Details of Shimano’s Acquisition of Pearl Izumi

02.19.2008 | 11:53 am

BROOMFIELD, CO (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Shimano American Corporation announced earlier today that it is acquiring Colorado-based Pearl Izumi, Inc.

Many news stories have noted that management of Pearl Izumi would remain independent. No details, however, have been revealed as to product lineup and brand changes at Pearl Izumi.

Until now.

Company Name
The first change that will be made is to the company name, which will now simply be “Shimanzumi.”

“We’re very excited by this new company name,” said Shimanzumi’s Marketing Director, Geoff Shaffer. “It’s very fun to say.”

“Shimanzumi, Shimanzumi, Shimanzumi!” continued Shaffer, by way of proving his point.

Clothing Levels
Shimanzumi clothing will be aligned with component Shimano mountain and road group levels. Selected features of the new clothing lines are as follows:

• Dura-Ace: The lightest, sexiest cycling clothing available for the road cyclist. As precise as it is elegant, it will make Assos look sloppy in comparison. The only reason gold thread is not used in Dura-Ace jerseys is that it is too heavy. In order to keep your Dura-Ace clothing working properly, Shimanzumi recommends having it maintained by a certified Shimanzumi mechanic every three rides.
• XTR: XTR clothing will be much like Dura-Ace, but will come out two years later.
• Ultegra: Ultegra cycling clothing will fit as comfortably as Dura-Ace, will weigh only trivially more, will cost less, and will in fact be more durable. However, it will be imperceptibly less sexy-looking, and your riding friends will know that you don’t consider yourself as deserving the very best.
• LX: The 2010 LX clothing line will be nothing more than the 2008 XTR clothing line, with different silkscreens applied.
• Tiagra: The Tiagra clothing line will fit and feel just fine, until your friend persuades you to try on a pair of Dura-Ace shorts, “just to see how they feel.” From that point forward, you’ll never be happy with your Tiagra shorts again. This is by design.
• Alivio: The Alivio clothing line will be made of burlap bags that have been specially treated to combust in sunlight and dissolve in water.

New Color Schemes
All Shimanzumi clothing will be black, grey, and silver. No exceptions.

Shimanzumi Total Integration
Shimanzumi clothing is designed to be worn together: shorts, jersey, socks, shoes, and gloves. While it is theoretically possible for cyclists to ride while wearing other brands of clothing mixed in, it is not recommended.

The jerseys have been made two inches shorter, for example, to accommodate the fact that the shorts have been made to go two inches higher. As long as you wear both, you’ll have excellent midriff coverage. If, however, you wear Shimanzumi shorts with a Castelli jersey, your warranty is void, for starters. Also, Shimanzumi clothing has been found to cause rashes and chemical burns when mixed with other clothing brands.

You’re just better off discarding your existing clothing and going forward with an integrated Shimanzumi setup. It’s inevitable anyway, so you may as well embrace it.

New Markets
The Shimanzumi alliance is uniquely positioned to cross over into additional sport markets. Specifically, look for wicking, lighweight, form-fitting hip waders to come out in 2009. Followed by a fishing vest made of high-tech fabrics in 2010, with extra-deep pockets and elastic arm gathers.

Yearly Revisions
Shimanzumi will implement a planned obsolescence strategy into its clothing line, where every three years, an entirely new clothing line with new sizes and exponentially more complex clothing parts are shipped. They will be lighter and fit 15% more precisely, at which point you can expect to be scorned for wearing your previous-generation Shimanzumi clothing.

Enthusiasm and a Precaution
Says Shaffer, “We’re very excited by the new directions and opportunities this melding of two great cycling companies affords us.”

“If, however, you get a slight tear in any article of Shimanzumi clothing, discard it at once and buy a replacement. Shimanzumi clothing is not designed to be patched or otherwise repaired. Contact your nearest cycling clothing service center at once for a replacement.”

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