12.12.2007 | 2:23 pm
A reader recently sent in pictures of their dining room makeover. Let’s begin by looking at this rather conventional dining room:
And now, let’s take a look at the same dining room, after its recent makeover:
Let’s take a closer look at a few of those jerseys, shall we?
Yes, that is a real Lance race-worn ‘05 Tour jersey and one of Landis’ podium tunics.
The Extra-Awesome Part
This dining room would be awesome under any circumstance, but — at least to me — what makes it doubly-extra-awesome is that the driving force behind this makeover was the female half of the marriage.
Says Bent022, “I told my husband he can never ever complain about how I decorate the house. Not many women would want their dining room to look like a sports bar.”
Shyeah.
The Conversion of Bent022
The only thing that made me sad about this whole thing was that Bent022 — as you might have figured from her commenting handle — is a recumbent rider.
Well, she was a recumbent rider….She just bought Carlos Sastre’s 2007 Team CSC Cervelo. Which she intends to ride.
All hail Bent022, queen of pro cycling memorabilia collectors!
Comments (49)
12.11.2007 | 1:42 pm
A Note from Fatty: A nudge, wink, and acknowledgement of inspiration to Gwadzilla — which I read regularly and you should too — for today’s post.
O Clementine!
You are as orange
As you are spherical
You are
By far and away
The most accessible
Of all fruit
Except
Of course
For the banana
Do not lose heart, Clementine
For while — true — the banana
Is marginally easier to peel
It is in no other way your superior
You are juicier!
You are easily segmented!
You peel almost without effort!
You do not bruise nearly as easily!
My hands smell wonderful after I peel you
Above all
Your brilliant orange color
Shatters the dull grey of the winter sky
The banana cannot do that
As you well know
So let us not speak of the banana
It is as nothing compared to you
O Clementine!
You are so delicious
You are my favorite Wintertime fruit
When I browse the produce section
Of my local supermarket
My heart yearns
And I confess: I salivate copiously
Clementine, please do not think me a glutton
For purchasing a box of you nigh unto each day
And eat, and eat, and eat
As if I were a starving orangutan
I know you will not be here for long
So I get my fill of you now
You, the most exquisite of all fruit
O Clementine!
In a season full of chocolate and cookies
And miscellaneous baked goods
You are the one thing I eat without remorse
And in truth I sometimes eat you
Not as penance but perhaps as an offsetting
for culinary sins earlier in the day
Know now, Clementine
You are more to me
Than a diet food
Clementine, I love thee.
And I shall buy another box of thee
As I return from work
Thank you.
Comments (66)
12.10.2007 | 11:46 am
More than two weeks ago, I had a crash while mountain biking. No, let me clarify that: I had a painful crash. More specifically, I had a painful crash that has hurt my left wrist to the extent that even two weeks later, it hurts to type. Or to lift anything. Or to punch through a cinder block.
I am speculating about the punching-through-the-cinder-block part.
I shall now tell you the story of how this crash happened. However, I will not make it easy on you; you must guess, for each event leading up to the crash, which of the statements is correct.
Oh, I know. You’re wondering, “How can I tell which is correct, since I wasn’t even there?”
To which I answer, “Oh, I think you’ll manage.”
1. Which of the following did Fatty do this ride with?
a. Several members of the core team — people he has ridden with hundreds of times — who already know about his proclivity to fall painfully and clumsily, and therefore would not be particularly fazed by this event.
b. Nobody. Fatty rode by himself, so when he fell, nobody saw and nobody was the wiser. Until now, of course.
c. With a neighbor he had never ridden with. A neighbor who was, for some unknown reason, under the impression that Fatty is an expert mountain biker.
2. What did Fatty and this neighbor talk about as they rode, prior to the accident?
a. They talked about politics, greenhouse gasses, and the alarming rate of decay of the moral fibre of today’s youth. Incidentally, they came up with an elegant solution to two dilemmas quantum physicists have been struggling with for the past decade, which will be published in the January issue of The Quarterly Journal of Pompous Physicists.
b. They didn’t talk about anything. Fatty is so outrageously fast on the climbs that the neighbor couldn’t even remotely keep up, and whenever Fatty took pity and waited for the neighbor to catch up, the neighbor was far too out of breath to talk about anything at all.
c. Fatty talked endlessly about how riding a rigid singlespeed is so great, how he doesn’t miss or need suspension, and how he’s actually a better technical rider now without any suspension.
3. What was the trail like when Fatty had his crash?
a. Rooted, twisting, shale-covered technical singletrack. Approximately 39% uphill grade.
b. Fast downhill fire road, off-camber, riddled with blind corners and tall ledges. Oh, and snakes. Lots of angry, poisonous snakes attacking without warning.
c. Mild, straight, gently sloping uphill doubletrack. Not technical. At all.
4. What caused Fatty’s crash?
a. The neighbor punched Fatty in the kidney, then elbowed him in the throat. All because he wanted to steal one of Fatty’s awesome new water bottles.
b. Fatty was demonstrating how he has recently learned to do a nose-wheelie, pivot his rear wheel around and ride in the other direction — all no-handed, and without the use of brakes.
c. His front tire blew when he hit 70mph.
d. Fatty, while riding 5mph up a gentle slope, hit a small embedded rock, and Fatty fell over sideways as if he had never quite learned to ride a bike.
5. What did Fatty do after the crash?
a. Yell in pain, in what unfortunately must be described as a high-pitched wail.
b. Try to explain to his neighbor why he just fell down on — what looked to the neighbor like — a featureless trail.
c. Get back on the bike and try to ride, then get back off the bike when he realized the pain was sufficient to cause a wave of nausea and that he’d better sit back down for a minute.
d. All of the above, in that order.
So, in short, I — with a neighbor who somehow mistook me for a good rider — fell over sideways on my mountain bike for no good reason whatsoever, and caught all my weight on my left wrist as I crashed to the ground.
I am such a doofus.
Comments (73)
12.7.2007 | 10:16 am
I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Susan and I had an appointment with the oncologist today, where we’d learn what Susan’s next steps, treatment-wise, are. Would she have to start chemo right away? Or does she get to take a break? It all hinged on the pathology report from the bone sample from Susan’s operation last week.
The thing is, based on the pathology report — which I had BotchedExperiment help me interpret — I just couldn’t see how the pathology report had any useful information at all. So I called the doctor’s receptionist this morning and told her to make sure the doctor looked at the report before Susan and I went to all the work of getting her in and out of a car; we didn’t want to make the trip if there was no point.
The receptionist said she’d call back if we didn’t need to come over.
I didn’t hear back, so we drove over. The receptionist looked surprised and told me to check my voice mail.
Sure enough, sometime between when I called the doctor’s office and when we got to the the doctor’s office, the receptionist had left a message saying we didn’t need to bother coming over today.
So we’ll find out what the next steps are in a few weeks — maybe sometime shortly after Christmas.
Meanwhile, Susan seems to be doing well. She’s getting around on her crutches and giving herself twice-daily shots in the stomach. As is her wont, she wants to do everything herself. She’s a tough woman.
Non-Cycling Related
Today is my company Christmas party. Yes, already. Every year, as part of the party, we do a white elephant gift exchange. This year, I wrapped the present myself:
See, duct tape is good for everything.
If you promise not to tell anyone, I’ll tell you what’s in the box. Promise? OK.
- 50 Chinese finger traps
- 25 Silly Putty Eggs
- 250 super balls, assorted sizes and colors
- 50 miniature yo-yos
- 25 whoopee cushions
- 50 assorted plastic animals that, when squeezed, bug their eyes out
- 1 tube of vegemite
See what I mean about being an awesome gift-giver?
Comments (39)
12.5.2007 | 11:03 pm
Dear Delta 7,
I am so excited about your incredible innovation: The Arantix Mountain Bike, featuring IsoTruss technology! I will post a picture below, so that everyone who reads this open letter can have their minds as thoroughly and completely blown as mine:
Yes, it’s true: your bike frame is teeny tiny threads of carbon fiber and kevlar, making tubes that are mostly air.
Awesome. Hey, let’s take a closer look at that frame, shall we?
I swear, all of us cyclists who really like our bike tubes to double as cheese graters are just going to flip over this thing, Delta 7. And it’s so elegant-looking, too! If I don’t miss my guess, that top-tube is no thicker than my thigh. And the downtube is quite possibly thinner than my waist!
Anyway, Delta 7, I just wanted to write you a letter describing all the ways I think your bike is really cool. You should feel free to use any of these ideas in your marketing material.
Reason 1: Price!
Delta 7, some people might find the $12,000 you’re asking for a complete bike somewhat exorbitant. Well, that’s just because they’re not used to the amount of money one must expect to spend on an extremely well-made bike. For example, one could expect to pay $3300 for a Gary Fisher SuperFly, another top-end carbon fiber bike.
Which means, I guess, for the cost of your bike I could buy three SuperFlys and still have enough money left over for a Rig or two. So I guess that didn’t make my point very well.
OK, then, how about we compare the Arantix to the Orbea Alma. Now there’s a high-end, custom-made, expensive carbon hardtail…which, now that I look at the specs on the website, tops out at around $4600. Which means I could buy one and still have enough money to buy an Orca. And an Opal, for days when the Orca’s in the shop.
But I’m sure, Delta 7, that most any cyclist, like me, would much rather have an Arantix than two or three top-of-the-line bikes from any other manufacturer.
Reason 2: Awesome Parts!
As you no doubt know, Delta 7, I could buy the Arantix frame all by its sad, lonely self for a paltry $7,000. But why would I do that when I could spend another $5000 on:
- Fox F100 RLC fork
- Shimano XTR drivetrain and wheels
- 2 Crank Brothers Ti Egg Beaters pedals
- RaceFace Next SL carbon fiber handlebar
- 2 LizardSkins Lock-On grips
- L.H. Thomson Masterpiece handlebar stem and seatpost
- Chris King NoThreadSet headset
- Selle Italiá Kit Carbonio saddle
- complete LizardSkins Arantix frame skinset
Now, some people might call that spec pedestrian, and some might call the price for that spec “price gouging” or “completely insane.” But those people clearly don’t have any idea of how much a “complete LizardSkins Arantix frame skinset” costs. I mean, think about it for a second. That frame — you know, the one I’m going to pay $7000 for — is full of holes, so I’d darn well better cover it up with a big ol’ condom, so nobody can see it. And making a frame condom can’t be cheap.
Either that, or you’re thinking I won’t mind paying a little bit more than full retail for each individual part in that build, in spite of the fact that I’m buying it as part of a complete bike.
And you know what, Delta 7? You’re absolutely right! I’m perfectly happy to pay as much for your parts kit as I would for a complete, handmade, Titanium mountain bike from Seven Cycles.
Reason 3: Weight!
With all those triangle-shaped holes in the Arantix’s tubing, I’d expect this to be one light frame. And I’d be right! That frame, in fact, ways just 2.75 pounds, which is really, really light.
And you know what? It doesn’t bother me a bit that pretty much every carbon fiber MTB frame ways that about that much, and quite a few weigh less.
I’ve got a great marketing slogan for you, Delta 7:
Arantix: Pretty light is light enough
Feel free to put that in your brochures.
Reason 4: Hours and Hours and Hours of Fun!
As the owner of a $12,000 bike, I am not going to want to ever have it look anything but pristine. However, I must be honest with you, Delta 7: as the owner of a $12,000 bike, there is no way I am going to hide it with a LizardSkin condom. I want people to see how wealthy I am when I ride.
So you know what I’m looking forward to doing, Delta 7? Riding my Arantix in the mud, and then cleaning it. I figure that in order to keep it looking good, I will need approximately two soft-bristle toothbrushes and 497 Q-tips per cleaning session.
And a quart of Windex.
And about nine hours.
But you know what, Delta 7? It’s going to be totally worth it, because I’m sure that by putting that much work into it, the completely visible interior of my bike’s tubes will never get dusty or grody.
Reason 5. Hyper-Portable
Of course, I’ve been keeping my favorite thing about the Arantix for second-to-last. You see, when I first saw the Arantix and found out that the weave of the tubes doesn’t make it any lighter, I was confused. Sure, I saw your site copy talking about how strong it is, but the truth is, I only need it to be strong enough to hold me, not me plus a satchel full of anvils, or a human pyramid.
“Hmmm,” went my reasoning. “The bike’s not lighter, but it is bulkier-looking, incredibly expensive, and almost certainly an all-day job to clean. Where’s the benefit?”
And that’s when I realized: the IsoTruss strength argument is a red herring. The real reason the Arantix has that wild shape is because it must secretly work just like the Hoberman Sphere!
The resemblance is compelling, isn’t it?
Yes, I posit that just like the Hoberman Sphere, the triangles in Arantix are hinged, so the whole frame folds down to fit neatly in my pocket. I’m guessing the spokes on the wheels have a locking, telescoping mechanism, so they fold down to practically nothing. I’ll bet the whole bike fits in a briefcase by the time it finishes, right? Like in the Jetsons opening montage.
That is going to be so cool.
Delta 7, this is a major selling point. I know that so far you haven’t mentioned it in any of your marketing material and just want it to be one of those cool little surprises that will make the new purchaser extra-glad he bought the bike, but I think this is significant enough that you should hammer it as a big selling point.
Or, if it doesn’t do that Hoberman Sphere thing, maybe you could defray some of the outrageous sticker shock of this bike by doing a “buy one, get two free” promotion.
Reason 6: Rideability!
Um, actually, I haven’t been able to find any independent reports on how the Arantix rides. But at $12,000, it’s got to be good. Right? Just give me your assurance this $12,000 bike — your company’s first bike design ever — rides close to as well as a Specialized Rockhopper, and we’re all set.
Congratulations on a compelling innovation in cycling, Delta 7! I can hardly wait to meet someone actually riding one of your bikes.
Or at least see it mounted on the back of his H2.
Kind Regards,
The Fat Cyclist
PS: Thanks to the GeekCyclist, who yesterday emailed me and said, “Hey, you should write something about that new IsoTruss bike.” So I did. I didn’t realize I take requests, but evidently I’m happy to!
PPS: Delta 7 is a local company, so I expect to be beaten to death very soon. The police will, no doubt, be able to find my killers, due to the highly unique markings left all over my broken body by the club. “The weapon can be only one of two things,” Detective McNulty will say. “A cheesegrater, or an Arantix downtube!”
PPPS: If there’s someone out there who has plunked down their $1000 in order to get into the Arantix queue, I’d love you to send me an email explaining why you want this bike so badly that you’re happy to spend $1000 to get in a line to buy a $12,000 bike you’ve never test-ridden (unless you have test-ridden it, in which case your ride should be a huge part of your rebuttal). I will publish your response without revision. My only condition is, you must also reveal what kind of car you drive.
Comments (96)
