11.19.2007 | 6:35 pm
Two Notes from Fatty: First, I’m going to have to beg for an extra day to do the math on who won the “Get a Grip” contest. Thank you in advance for cutting me the necessary quantity of slack.
Next, I’ve got a new article posted at BikeRadar.com. I want to point out that BikeRadar has been doing something incredibly cool with my articles for the last couple of installments: creating custom illustrations, instead of just going to the ol’ stock art well. You can read a teaser below, or jump to the whole article by clicking here.
WADA Needs a Hero
Early this week, John Fahey was selected by the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) Foundation board to replace Dick Pound as its president. He managed to snag this plum job through the extremely savvy technique of being the only person the board had available to choose from.
Frankly, that seems just a little lazy of WADA. Couldn’t they have asked around a bit? Maybe put an ad in the paper or something like that?
No, of course that wouldn’t have worked. I mean, think about it. Ideally, this president needs to do the impossible: eliminate doping while restoring the public’s confidence in the reputation of both professional cycling and WADA itself.
The fact is, the president of WADA needs to be more than just a mere mortal. This job requires a person with — let’s face it — super powers. And I’m afraid that, unless “Former Finance Minister for Australia” is just his mild-mannered alter-ego, John Fahey just doesn’t qualify.
Any of the following people, on the other hand, would have done nicely:
Wonder Woman: Let’s start with the most obvious candidate. Wonder Woman’s magic golden lasso forces whoever she’s lassoing to tell the truth. This would stop doping cold. Instead of endless blood and urine controls, you could just have Wonder Woman randomly lassoing racers at the start line and asking, “Have you ever doped?”
Not only would this be incredibly effective, it would be awesome pre-race entertainment.
Click here to continue reading “WADA Needs a Hero” at BikeRadar.com.
PS: What hero / villain would you choose as the next leader of WADA? Please post your choice in the comments section of my article at BikeRadar.
Comments (25)
11.19.2007 | 7:41 am
So the “Get A Grip” One Week Weight Loss Challenge — brought to you by Ergon –is over, and…well, I did terrible.
I lost a grand total of 1.8 pounds. Which is a good week, weight-loss-wise, but certainly nothing that’s going to win any contests.
I blame my sister Kellene. She came over on Thursday, and started cooking food. So during the second half of the Get a Grip Challenge, I put back on almost all of the weight I took off during the first half of the week.
“Well, you shouldn’t blame Kellene,” I expect you’re saying. “She didn’t force you to eat anything.”
The fallacy in that argument, of course, is the assumption that I have any willpower at all regarding good food. Especially this time of year, and especially if there are cookies involved (and there were most assuredly cookies involved).
And also, you don’t know about Kellene’s super power: she can make anyone do anything. For example, we went riding Saturday morning. As usual, I brought my cameral. Here’s us, taking a picture I’m perfectly happy with:
Then after that, Kellene said, “Now, let’s do one of us jumping, with no bikes around.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said. “There’s no way in the world you could ever get me to do that.”
OK, I like this picture (click to see a larger version). I’m not sure whether Kellene jumped too late or I jumped too early, but it looks like I’m sitting on a giant, invisible sofa.
I also like the expression on Kellene’s face.
PS: Everyone who entered the “Get a Grip” contest, be sure to send me your results, so I can announce the winners tomorrow.
Comments (46)
11.16.2007 | 6:43 am
A Note from Fatty: I’ve got a new article posted on BikeRadar today. You can read the preview below, or click here to go to the complete article.
For years, cyclists thought the road to mountain biking superiority was paved with body armor and motorcycle-like shocks. It’s only recently that mountain bikers have realized that this war of escalating suspension is unwinnable. If you have five inches of suspension, I can get a bike with six. And then you’ll get a bike with seven.
This way madness lies.
The answer to this MTB one-upsmanship? Go the other direction. Trendsetters in the mountain bike scene are now rejecting derailleurs, suspension, and lightweight materials in favor of old-school cool.
The problem is, rigid, steel, single-speed bikes already over the place. What’s left for the trend-setting retro-grouch to do?
I’m glad you asked. There are still plenty of ways you can shun technological progress to impress your friends. Just follow these simple tips:
Go Hardcore
OK, fine. You’ve shunned carbon fiber and even aluminum in favor of good ol’ fashioned steel. Good for you. But you know, as long as your bike is made of hollow tubes, you haven’t really embraced the material. For your next bike, go with solid steel. Demand that your frame weigh no less than 40 pounds. Ideally, you should have your frame cut out of a solid block of iron, or poured into a bronze mould. Imagine a steel bike with no welds. Beautiful.
But don’t let it end there. Are your tires really filled with air? You may as well fill them with helium, you weight weenie. If you really want to convince your friends that you’re after a pure, simple experience on your bike, you’ll cut out all the complex gymnastics required to keep a tire inflated, and will go with a solid rubber tire — like the kind wheelchairs use, but with more tread.
Just think: no more tubes, no more rim strips, no more pumps, no more flats right in the middle of the road. And all at a weight penalty of only six pounds of rolling weight. Per wheel.
It’s totally worth it, though, because you’re keeping it simple.
Click here to continue reading “How to Be a Mountain Bike Purist” at BikeRadar.com
Comments (19)
11.15.2007 | 9:18 am
I don’t like to think about my bike chain. It’s just too unsettling. While the rest of my bike is made of big, solid pieces (except my spokes, which I also don’t like to think about), the chain — the part of the bike that is responsible for transferring all the power from my (massive and well-defined) quads to the dirt — is made of plenty-six thousand teeny tiny pieces. You’ve got the figure-8 pieces, the cylinders that go between, and a teeny tiny pin — thinner in diameter than a human hair — that holds each link together.
When you consider the near-infinite number of moving parts in a given bike chain (plenty-six thousand, as I’ve already made clear), it’s not surprising that this is the part of the bike that requires the most maintenance and is the second-most-likely part of your bike to fail. What’s surprising, really, is that the bike chain works at all. Ever.
Oh, and since I know you’re going to ask: the part of the bike that is most likely to fail is the tire. Which is not much of a surprise when you consider that a bike tire is a piece of soft, easily punctured rubber containing pressurized air that constantly rolls over sharp rocks, broken glass, porcupine quills, and razor blades.
Seriously, it’s amazing we ever get out of the driveway on these things.
Anyway, back to chains.
Chains are Evil
By and large, I am able to successfully avoid thinking about the physics of the bike chain. I just pedal, and the bike goes forward. End of story.
I think the chain resents this taken-for-granted status. So, from time to time, the chain will break.
Here’s the thing about the way chains break, though: they never do it at a good time. They never break while you’re coasting downhill, or riding along, seated, on the flats.
No.
Chains always break while you are climbing — most likely in a tricky, technical move or in a bunch sprint – cranking as hard as you possibly can. And you are standing. With your face over the front wheel, chest over the stem, and crotch over the top tube.
That is when the chain decides it’s had enough.
With an almost inaudible “ping,” one of the pins lets go. At which point all of the following happen simultaneously:
- Your chest gets core-sampled by your bike stem
- You get crotch-filleted by your top tube
- One of your knees crashes into stem or handlebar
- One of your calves gets gored by your pedals
- Your face gets a tire burn
- Your chain gets sucked into your drivetrain
Oh, and if you happen to be lucky enough to stay on your bike when this happens, it will be because the bike has sensed you are on a 40% incline or are in the middle of a ledge move, and now have no way to go forward. At which point, gravity is more than happy to show that it’s not such a “weak force” after all.
Chains are Psychic
Do you want to know the very best way to ensure your chain will never break? No, it’s not to clean and lube your chain at regular intervals. No, it’s not to replace the chain before it stretches beyond a certain point.
The best way to ensure your chain won’t break is to carry a chain tool and an extra link or two when you ride.
I have never, in my whole riding career, ever had a chain break when I was carrying the stuff I needed to repair a chain. I have, however, had chains break seven times (that I can remember) when I wasn’t carrying a tool.
The only possible cause? Chains are psychic, in addition to evil.
For those of you getting ready to comment with stories about how you’ve had chains break while you were carrying a tool, I have the following to say: they do this to maintain plausible deniability. Have you never watched X-Files? Sheesh.
Chains are a Psychological Mess
Answer this set of questions, if you please:
- Which part of your bike requires the most frequent maintenance (cleaning, lubing)?
- Which part of your bike is most likely to damage another part of the bike (e.g., score your chainstay)?
- What is the part of your bike is never regarded as beautiful or elegant?
The answer to all three questions is, of course, the chain. And it knows it. I think the chain has an inferiority complex (it’s ugly and gets dirty), compounded with a superiority complex (it knows it’s the part that makes the bike go), compounded with good old-fashioned insecurity (it’s always demanding more attention, and complains loudly and incessantly if you don’t give it that attention).
And they leave a gross-looking mark on your calves.
PS: Unholy Roleur seems to be having problems with chains, too and has an excellent post about trying to buy a new one.
Comments (59)
11.14.2007 | 7:05 am
Good News from Fatty: Susan’s oncologist visit went really well yesterday. The PET scan shows that Susan’s pretty much clean in all the places a PET scan can look. When Susan gets her hip replaced, they’ll take a bone tissue sample to see whether the chemo’s been effective there, too. Provided everything’s good, Susan will get to go off chemo. By Spring, Susan should be feeling good, walking around without crutches, and growing hair. How awesome is that? (Answer: very awesome.)
A Note from Fatty: Last week, I published an open letter to Travis Ott, Brand Manager for Fisher / Lemond. I did not really expect a reply.
But check out what I found in my email inbox yesterday. A letter from Travis, which I will here publish in its entirety.
From: Ott, Travis
To: Fatty
Sent: Tuesday, November 13, 2007 12:17 PM
Subject: RE: Partnership with FatCyclist.com
Wow. I have never been more simultaneously flattered and scared at the same time. Well done.
So Fatty, (I hope it’s OK for me to call you Fatty) I have to admit that I’ve never been the recipient of such blatant, but well-natured, extortion. Again, well done. But enough of the niceities. I have something you want and you’re clearly ready to deal. So here’s how it’s going to go down:
Your list of terms is out the window. I’ve watched enough crime capers in my day to know that you always reject their first list of demands. So here’s the new terms, and these are not negotiable.
I will provide you with:
Bike. One (1) Gary Fisher Superfly in the size you specify. Stock spec.
One Season. You get the bike for 3 glorious months of smooth carbon-y, big-wheeled goodness. After 3 months you box it up and send it home to the mothership in Waterloo, WI. Be patient with delivery. There’s a lot of people who have thrown down money already and are waiting for their Superfly to show.
But before I send said bike you need to fulfill the following conditions:
Brent Hulme’s Dirty Laundry. I like Brent. Solid guy. I probably owe him a favor. So rather than punching Brent, I will require you to do Brent Hulme’s dirty laundry for one week. You will post pics of his laundry on your blog as proof of completion of this task.
Good Karma. You need to take four kids, age 12 or younger, mountain biking for the day. Take them to the local trail. Teach them how to ride. Play trail guide. Be patient. Pack peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. Have a great time. Get them stoked on riding. Turn them into life-long mountain bikers. Then blog about it on your site and provide photographic evidence. I want to see you, the kids, and a daily newspaper with the date in the pictures.
Ad Love. Think about it. If I yield to your demands without putting you out somehow, I’ll have every blogger in the known blogosphere demanding bikes from me the next day. And I’m way too lazy to get everyone bikes.
So I need to make an example of you. (Sorry Fatty.) You mentioned that you already have a small personal fleet of Fishers. You also offered some sweet ad placements. Let’s combine the two elements. I’d like to see a banner ad campaign of you and your Gary Fisher bikes for one month counting down the days until you get the Superfly. The banner ads should run for 1 month and be non-rotating (i.e. permanent) and above the fold.
Once you have the ride, you’ll cheerfully provide:
Editorial. Detail on your blog in witty prose and pictures all your epic rides on the Superfly.
Trail Work. I would like to see you and your Superfly putting in 8 hours of trail work with your local mountain bike organization. Photographic evidence and snappy musings on your blog as proof.
This may sound pretty demanding of me. It is. But c’mon, it’s a $3,000+ bike, that was nearly sold out before we shipped the first one. So here’s some more conditions:
If you think the price here is to steep and you’re going to blow it off, I’ll gladly extend this same offer to the first of your readers who agrees to and can meet all of the conditions above.
Also, you’ll post my full response here unedited. Keep all the typos and bad grammar. If it’s not posted or edited in any way, the entire offer comes off the table.
It’s a sweet bike. I hope you take me up on this offer/challenge.
Later Fatty,
Travis
Gary Fisher & LeMond Brand Manager
Fatty Responds: I’m in. So in.
Comments (99)
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