10.3.2007 | 8:39 am
One of the cool things about being a cyclist is you get to experience stuff most people never will. Dug’s seen a cross-dresser casually strolling on a lonely mountain road. My sister Kellene told me that during her trip to Telluride last week, she rescued a woman from a brush-covered ravine who had been the victim of a hit-and-run by a car.
And I’ve been hit by birds. Four times, to be exact.
It’s always quite a surprise.
Kamikaze
The first time was when I lived in Sammamish, Washington, a couple years ago. I was out on a nice early morning road ride out in the countryside, out past Carnation. One of the things I liked best about riding out there in the farmland was how quiet and peaceful the rides were. Green everywhere. Birds singing. Eagles flying above. It’s easy to get lost in a cycling reverie.
And then: WHAM. My left shoulder suddenly felt like it had been punched. Or like I had been hit with a paintball by someone in a passing car (this has happened before) or with a beer bottle by a passing truck (this has also happened before).
But there were no cars around. I was as alone as possible, with fields of flowers on either side of me (Ever wonder where florists’ flowers come from? Turns out there’s such a thing as florist farms).
I — unlike you, because of course you already know what hit me — was so confused I forgot about the pain (which wasn’t really that bad anyway). And then finally I looked around.
There was a bird — a sparrow I think — flopping in the road.
Questions filled my mind. I was all alone in an open field; why had this bird hit me? Was it sick? Blind? Just really, really stupid? Or was it as zoned out as I was, caught in the zen of flying, and it just didn’t see me? I could imagine that happening.
I turned around and rode back toward it. I knew I wasn’t going to take it home — if it was injured, it would become some animal’s meal. But I could at least end its suffering, I guess, although I wasn’t too excited about that prospect.
Before I got to it, though, it got its wits back and flew off.
I admit to feeling relief.
The Second, Third, and Fourth Hits
The next time I had a close encounter of the third kind with birds, I was mountain biking, just a couple weeks ago. Specifically, I was on my favorite ride in the world — Tibble to Joy to Ridge to Mud to Tibble — and riding one of my favorite parts: the buff, forested downhill section we call “Joy,” because it is impossible to ride that trail without a big smile on your face.
As I turned through one of the hairpins early in the ride, I passed a log on my left, startling three little birds that were either behind or inside the log.
All three of them flew right into me: two hit my chest, one hit my face: Puff puff puff. It was like getting hit by three lightly-tossed Kooshes in rapid succession.
They kept flying, gone so fast I didn’t even have a chance to get a good look at what color they were — though my impression was of blue.
It was maybe the coolest thing that has ever happened to me.
Your Turn
I am willing to bet that every single cyclist has at least one story of an unexpected encounter like this. Something that will stick with you for the rest of your life. Something that wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t been there right that moment on your bike.
Tell me about it. I’ll give a Twin Six-designed Fat Cyclist T-Shirt to the person with what I consider to be the coolest story.
Comments (145)
10.1.2007 | 9:35 pm
A Note From Fatty: My weekly BikeRadar article is now up. Here’s a preview, but you can read the whole thing at BikeRadar.com.
Seattle (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – PorkoVelo Enterprises, LLC, a heretofore-unheard-of USA biking race promoter, announced today in a hastily-called press conference that it would be offering a proposal for a United States-based Grand Tour, competing with the just-announced Tour of America. The race, according to PorkoVelo CEO Rick Sunderlage, will be called “Ride Around the US a Lot of Times” (RATUSALOT).
According to Sunderlage, “We’ve been thinking, lately, that what the world really needs is another Grand Tour. Except one that’s not so easy. And it should be somewhere where road biking isn’t as popular as it is in the rest of the world. And it should happen right after the biggest, most succesful top-tier US-based racing team ever disbanded, due to lack of sponsor interest.”
“I swear,” continued Sunderlage, “We were, like, 75% finished with our plan when those jerks at Aqu Inc. came out and announced their race, which I guess kind of forced our hand. So we kind of had to rush to get our proposal out the door, which means it’s kind of half-baked, unlike the Aqu idea.”
“Man,” said Sunderlage, a trace of frustration showing on his face, “Those guys have their plan totally nailed. You can tell they’ve thought everything through.”
Click here to continue on to the rest of the article at BikeRadar.com.
PS: My apologies to all Sunderlages for this crass attempt at humor. I wish you only the best in your race promotion endeavors.
PPS: You’ve got to admit, “PorkoVelo” would be a pretty awesome name for a company, if I were ever to create one.
Comments (34)
10.1.2007 | 6:51 am
I’m going to let you in on a little detail of my personal life: I am hugely stressed out right now.
“Why,” you ask? Well, it’s nice of you to inquire. Thank you. Basically, I need to be knocking myself out at work for a little while. In fact, two weeks from today, I need to turn in a document — a Grand Master Plan, if you will — that will literally change the course of history for every person on this planet.
Or it may just affect whether I get a nice bonus this quarter. Same thing.
Why does this concern you? Here’s why. For the next two weeks, whenever I can take the easy way out on this blog, I’m going to. But only if this “easy way out” is something I think you’ll like.
Based on reactions to a prior post, I think most of you’ll like this.
Return of the Biker Babes
My sister Kellene — yes, the professional photographer who once free-fell 18 feet in a mountain bike accident — just got back from Telluride on a group ride with her crew, “The Biker Babes.” Take a look at this photo and then try — just try — to tell me you don’t have a massive urge to head out to Colorado for a long mountain bike weekend:
I’ve got to say, I admire their taste in cycling attire. For those who wonder, my sister’s the one on the left.
And here’s the whole gang. No, don’t bother asking where their bikes are. I don’t know either. I don’t think we’ll ever know if they even own bikes.
OK, I take that back. Here’s the crew midway up Hermosa, which my sister tells me requires more hiking than riding:
Go Ahead and Jump
This next few photos is, frankly, a little bit odd. I have to admit, I wish I would have been there when these were taken. It starts out harmlessly enough, with one person hamming it up a little more than usual:
But what happened then? I can only guess, of course, but I imagine someone said, “Hey! A bunch of us should jump in the next picture!”
This last one, though, is actually startling on a few levels. Take a look at it, and then I have a few questions for you:
OK, ready for my questions? Here you go:
- Is it possible they meant to get this perfect highest-to-lowest effect on their jump?
- At your best, could you get half the air the one on the left is getting? She’s like, seven or eight feet up there.
- How did my sister’s (second from right) quads get so ripped? I’m afraid to ride with her.
And one final question: After jumping around in a parking lot for fifteen minutes, how did any of them have any energy at all for a ride?
Comments (44)
09.27.2007 | 6:10 am
I had a pretty extraordinary Summer, bikewise. I got down to the lowest weight I’ve been since high school, I got faster than someone with the nickname “Fatty” has any right to be, and I did about as well in races as a middle aged guy with no genetic gift or pharmaceutical enhancement could hope for.
And now I’m feeling guilt.
Any of you who have dedicated yourself to cycling knows that it comes at the expense of something: either your job or your family (or a little bit of both). And since I report to the CEO of my company (not because I’m a corporate bigshot, but because I warrant micromanagement), sluffing at work for six monthw wasn’t an option.
Now I’m trying to make up for it.
Cheating
The thing is, it’s not like I have a massive amount of time at the end of a workday. Of course, I can easily do stuff with the boys later at night – they like video games, I like video games. We all like trash-talking while we play video games. We’re all set.
The twins, though, now that’s a different matter. I’m not opposed to the way they play, but I simply cannot keep up or make sense of it. I think it’s a twin thing; they’re always doing very imaginative role-playing, and I think half of the communication about what’s going on happens via the psionic beam that connects them.
Plus, I just feel weird playing with stuffed animals. I’m just too macho for that.
But I’ve found a solution: a bike trailer:
(This is not my actual trailer; it’s an image I found on amazon.com. The real trailer has a chain, and the wheel has spokes. I find the distance from the hub to the rim stays much more consistent that way.)
Rather than going out on a ride by myself now, when I get home I give the twins turns riding with me.
So, yes: I’m making up for spending too much time on the bike by…riding my bike.
It has been a huge success.
Dirt
When I first started taking the girls out riding, we just rode around the neighborhood. And that was enough, for a while. Especially if we went and got a snow cone as part of the ride.
But that got boring.
So, just as an experiment, I took one of the girls out to Lambert Park, a little slice of singletrack heaven about a half mile from where I live.
I expected a little bit of whining, maybe some complaining, and almost certainly a crash.
Instead, I have found the girls’ new favorite thing to do in the world. I am not exaggerating. If I ask them what they want to do, they will say “Go mountain biking!” every single time.
My victory is complete.
Key Learnings
Riding a bike on the dirt with another person trailing behind you changes the ride experience. For one thing, the bike’s a lot longer. And it’s a lot heavier. Both of those things are pretty obvious, and not much of a surprise.
I have learned other things while riding with my twins, though.
- Be vigilant: Have you ever thought about how your center of gravity shifts when you turn around to look at something behind you? I hadn’t, until now. One of the girls in particular loves to look around while we ride, which means I need to keep both hands on the grips at all times to correct our balance.
- Be impressed: As I mentioned, one of the twins likes to look around while we ride together. The other one – to my amazement and delight — likes to stand up and hammer. Whenever we get to a hill and I stand up to pedal, she does too. When we reach the top, she always wants an assessment — could I tell how hard she was pedaling? The truth is, mostly I just feel like the rear end of the bike is wrestling with the front end of the bike when she pedals, but that’s not what I say. I say, “Are you kidding me? You were making us go so fast I almost had to use the brakes!”
- Be cool: I have a rule for myself when I’m riding with the girls: they’re in charge. If they want to sing while we ride, I sing along. If they want to stop and look at the deer bones, that’s great. If they want to scream on the downhill…well, actually, I do enforce a “no screaming” rule, but I do allow yelling. I don’t think they get the difference.
- Nothing is scary: At first, the girls called some of the twisty, downhill singletrack (Rodeo and Lambert’s Luge, for those of you who know Lambert’s Park) “scary.” I’ve been calling it “exciting” and “crazy” when they do, trying to get them to think of downhill riding as fun instead of threatening. This seems to be working, because the “crazytrack” (crazy + singletrack, apparently) is now a mandatory part of every single ride.
- You don’t spin out: This one’s just kind of wild. You know how when you stand up on an uphill climb you’re more likely to spin out? Well, if you have 70 pounds of weight (50 pounds of kid, 20 pounds of bike)pulling down on the seatpost, you can stand up and pedal to your heart’s content. Your rear wheel stays planted.
- It’s easy to become the most popular guy in the neighborhood: After the twins have their turns, it’s pretty common for their friends to be hanging around the front yard, hoping for a turn on the crazytrack, too. My response: “Sure, kid, you can have a turn. Remember, though: no screaming, never let go of the handlebars, and go have your parents sign this waiver.”
- The bike turns sharper than you’d expect: Since the clamp that connects the add-a-bike to the seatpost pivots, the bike actually becomes articulated when you do sharp turns. Which means hairpins aren’t the problem I thought they would be. And the girls have never complained about brushing against the brush or trees. It’s all part of the game.
Master Plan
By the time everyone who wants a turn has had a turn, I sometimes have been riding for 2.5 hours. They’d want to keep going, but it gets dark a lot earlier now.
I have no idea if pulling an extra 70 pounds for two hours qualifies as good training. I generally don’t feel particularly cooked afterward — I’m never going full-tilt, and the climbs aren’t very steep or long — so I suspect not. But I am getting out on a bike, and I am brainwashing my girls into loving what I love.
I have, in fact, started hatching this fantasy: What if — at age 57 — I crossed the finish line at the Leadville 100 accompanied by my twin daughters?
That would rule.
And it seems like I might be getting some traction with that idea. A few days ago, I was telling the twins about how their cousin — Kellene and Rocky’s youngest daughter – is shaping up to be a real cross-country track star. I asked, “Would you like to be a runner, like your cousin?”
“No, dad,” said one of the twins — the one who likes to stand up and hammer on the climbs. “I want to be a mountain biker, like you.”
I don’t believe I have ever been so happy in my entire life.
PS: I wanted to get some pictures of the girls riding, but that’s nearly impossible, since I’m on the bike with them at the same time. So here are a couple shots of them hiking to Timpanogos Cave with me a couple weekends ago (yes, on Susan’s birthday. One of my gifts to Susan was several hours of peace and quiet). Also, I’m posting these pictures because I hardly ever remember to send pictures to my family members, so figured I’d take care of that right here, in the (almost certainly somewhat wrong) assumption that my family actually reads this blog.
Beginning of the hike — leaves are changing.
One of the weird things about having identical twins is their teeth seem to fall out in the same order, and within days of each other.
“Act like the cave’s really spooky,” I said. These, evidently, are expressions of fear.
Really, the girls didn’t like the actual cave that much. What they loved was the hike to and from the cave. Especially climbing the rocks.
Comments (69)
09.25.2007 | 9:05 pm
As far as I know, I’ve never talked with an editor at Bicycling. I don’t have an “in” with them. So the fact that they graciously featured the “WIN” Fat Cyclist Pink Jersey on the cover of their October issue was a wonderful surprise.
Apparently, though, Bicycling isn’t satisfied with merely being cool. Nosirree. They had to go for the double whammy. Check out Steve Madden’s “With the Editor” column in the November issue:
And here’s a closeup of the part they wrote about the “Win” Special Edition Pink Fat Cyclist Jersey.
Susan and I would give up everything we own to not be going through this cancer ordeal. That said, the silver lining has been considerable.
Back when Susan was first diagnosed, BotchedExperiment told me that there’s a demonstrated correlation between the amount of emotional support cancer patients get and how well they respond to treatment — which was part of why he was the one who engineered that big “Get Well Card” extravaganza a couple months back.
And now, this. This kind of support from the Editor of Bicycling — and by extension, from the whole magazine — is similarly excellent.
Meanwhile, We have received so many pictures of so many of you wearing this jersey, and that kind of support is huge.
What’s my big insight from all this? That, given the chance, most people are really, really good.
Oh, and also that deep down, guys like to wear pink.
This Saturday: The Josie Johnson Memorial Ride
Hey, if you ride in the Salt Lake City, Utah area, come do something good for cycling this Saturday. Bicyclists of all interests and abilities are coming together to promote bicycle safety and remember Utah’s cycling accident victims.
The ride is named after Josie Johnson, an avid cyclist killed on September 18, 2004, hit from behind while riding up Big Cottonwood Canyon (one of my favorite lunch rides, by the way). The memorial ride is dedicated in Josie’s honor to raise community awareness for bicycle safety.
Event organizers call on bicyclists and motorists to increase safety both during and after the ride. Bicyclists are encouraged to be considerate and abide by traffic law. Motorists are urged to control their speeds, watch for bicyclists when turning at intersections and pulling onto the roadway, and give bicyclists the legally required at least three feet clearance when passing.
Riders will meet at Sugar House Park at 10:30 am and ride to Mill Hollow Park in Holladay. Get more info at www.josiejohnsonride.com.
Comments (43)
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