09.6.2007 | 9:31 pm
A Note from Fatty: I wrote this last night, but checking out the Trust but Verify (News, Research and Commentary about the Floyd Landis Doping Allegations) blog this morning, I see that I’m not the first person to do a futuristic piece of fake news on this topic. Pommi’s World had a nice piece of fake news a couple weeks ago along the same lines (I swear, I didn’t steal the idea from him). Check it out.
Paris, September 7, 2035 (Fat Cyclist Future News Service) – Floyd Landis, winner of the 2006 Tour de France, is free to race his bike again, with the advent of all charges being dismissed today.
Strangely, however, the charges were not dropped due to a unanimous — or even majority — vote by the selected CAS-AAA arbitration panel, but simply because all three of the arbitrators have now reached retirement age.
USADA would normally have the right to select new panelists in this event, allowing the arbitration to continue into its 29th year. However, two circumstances have prevented this from happening:
- USADA has not existed for more than twenty years, since the momentous day in 2014 when they, along WADA and UCI, admitted they had no idea what they were doing and were going to close up shop, leaving Dr. Dan Richardson to handle all legal cycling matters from that point forward.
- Nobody else now wants to take up the arbitration. In fact, very few people even remember what the case was about.
Said Dr. Richardson, “I’m happy to welcome Mr. Landis back into the professional cycling peloton. Also, I should probably apologize to Floyd for not having dismissed his case sooner. The thing is, though, I’ve been really busy…um…for the last thirty years.”
History
Shortly after winning the Tour de France, Floyd Landis fell under suspicion for Testosterone doping. He immediately challenged this accusation, and the arbitration panel, having heard the evidence, retired in early 2007 to consider the evidence at hand.
They have been, evidently, considering it ever since.
Most people thought that a month or so would be enough time to sift through the testimonies and render a verdict. Practically everyone thought a quarter of a year would be plenty. Virtually nobody thought that the arbitration panel would make it their life’s work, and then retire without having yet come to a conclusion.
In 2009, suspecting the worst, Floyd Landis had himself cryogenically frozen, with the instructions that he was to be thawed “when and if those guys ever make up their minds.”
Wakened today, Mr. Landis was heard to remark, “Holy crap, my hip is cold!” Then, hearing the news, Landis wryly responded, “Well, that figures,” and then got on his bike, evidently preparing for what would certainly be a remarkable comeback.
New Challenges Await
Landis has his work cut out for him if he hopes to win the 2036 Tour de France. He will, of course, have to race against the 21 clones of President Lance Armstrong (teams are limited to 1 clone per team), not to mention the Trek Synthuman / Madone hybrids — the integrated bicycle / purpose-specific lifeforms engineered to spin a cadence of 480rpm at a wattage of 912. For three months straight. Without need for sleep or food.
“Whatever,” commented Landis.
The Cycling World Reacts
Noted cycling authority Al Trautwig remarked on this occasion, “Lance Armstrong! Lance! Seventeen time Tour de France champion! President of the United States and King of Texas!” This was not remarkable, because this is all Al Trautwig has said for eight years. In Trautwig’s defense, he does say it with enthusiasm and a deep, resonant voice.
Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen, each looking great considering how old they are, took the occasion to note that they knew Mr. Landis was innocent right from the beginning. Nobody dares contradict them, for fear of being called “youngster,” then being forced to listen to more than a combined 120-years worth of cycling stories and history.
Dave Zabriskie said something, but it was practically impossible to understand. One is tempted to put this down to old age, but the truth is, Zabriskie’s always been practically impossible to understand.
Elden Nelson, most beloved cycling blogger in the world and four-time Grammy winner, commented, “This is extremely strange, because 28 years ago, I predicted this exact thing would happen.”
Comments (30)
09.5.2007 | 9:05 pm
As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, my shoulder is pretty messed up right now. What I didn’t really get into is the fact that my shoulder has been messed up, more or less, for about ten years. It has been injured in the middle of races. It has been injured as I have come down the teeter (anyone want a teeter? Free?). It has been injured dozens of times in Moab and at Gooseberry Mesa. It has been injured when I lifted a very heavy book.
I’ve been thinking about getting it (my shoulder, not the book) fixed.
In fact, about seven months ago, I went in and had a doctor take a look at my shoulder. He pulled on it, pushed on it, and then turned it a certain way that made me collapse and beg him to stop, please, for the love of all that’s good in the world, please just stop, I’ll tell you where the submarine is hiding, just please stop twisting my arm that way.
And then he sent me to get an MRI.
After the MRI came back, the doctor told me that my shoulder’s all messed up, and that I should have it fixed, surgically.
“Well, that sounds super!” I said, my voice full of enthusiasm, for I knew that, after the surgery, I’d have to take extra double specially good care of my shoulder for a few months.
I told him that I’d wait ’til after the end of this riding / racing season, then do the surgery so I could recover during the Winter.
New Reality
Back when I got this checkup, I had this fantasy going of me getting the surgery, coming home, and then lounging through Thanksgiving and Christmas, my wife taking care of me because I wasn’t supposed to lift anything heavier than an Xbox controller.
Of course, since then, things have changed. Susan’s gone and upstaged me, injury-wise, having the nerve to go and get fractured hips and ribs as a result of the tumors in her bones. Which has not only seriously disrupted her career as a power lifter, but has made it kind of difficult for her to get around, or to lift something as heavy as a jug of milk.
Imagine, if you can, the grand comedy of neither of us being able to lift anything heavy for a month or two. After a while, I suspect that even our really great neighbors and family might find that a little tiresome.
So I had planned to pass on the shoulder surgery for now.
But then I had this wreck last Friday, and now my shoulder hurts all the time. It grinds and pops. It aches. It restricts my range of motion to pretty much nothing.
So, I figure I’d put the question to my genius readers, among which I seem to have an expert on practically everything: Take a look at my MRI report, below. Then tell me:
- What does this mean? My doctor told me, but I’m pretty sure he was speaking Estonian.
- Is it serious, Doc?
- What should I do?
- Is there any particular urgency?
- How long will it take for me to recover?
- Suppose I do whatever you say, then go mountain biking again and take another fall. Will I bung the whole works up again, undoing all the fancy stitches, duct tape, rubber bands and whatnot?
- Do you really have any expertise, or are you just channeling Dr. Noah Drake? Not that I mind self-proclaimed expertise, but I like to know whether you know how much you (really) know.
My MRI Report
EXAMINATION: MR Arthrogram right shoulder
HISTORY: Recurrent shoulder subluxations. History of a remote injury and chronic shoulder pain
TECHNIQUE: Multiplanar T1 and T2-weighted MR imaging following a gadolinium arthrogram procedure of the right glenohumeral joint.
COMPARISON: None.
FINDINGS: There is a dominant superior-inferior tear of the anterior glenoid labrum. There appears to be inolvement of the anterior articular cartilage of the glenoid labrum (a defect which appears to be either grade 4 or severe grade 3 chondromalacia involving the anterior 6 mm of the articular surface of the glenoid). There is a heterogeneous appearance of the mid-anterior portion of the glenoid labrum with some periosteal stripping anteriorly.
The posterior glenoid labrum is unremarkable. The superior extent of the tear appears to be at the 12 o’clock level. The inferior extent is approximately 4-5 o’clock anterior-inferior. The middle glenohumeral ligament is intact. The biceps tendon is intact. There is a very small full-thickness perforation of the mid-lateral supraspinatus tendon with a tiny amount of fluid extending into the subacromial-subdeltoid bursa. Otherwise, rotator cuff tendons are intact. Normal lateral downslope of the acromion. Very small subacomial enthesophyte. Mild-moderate AC joint osteoarthritis, but no inferiorly projecting osteophytes. Not mentioned above, there appears to be a second articular-sided erosion of the mid-lateral supraspinatus tendon measuring approximately 7 mm medial-lateral x approximately 8 mm anterior-posterior. This lesion involves approximately 30-40% of the tendon thickness.
IMPRESSION:
1. Type 5 SLAP tear with tear from the superior to inferior labrum, anteriorly. There is involvement of the anterior glenoid articular cartilage, and periosteal stripping anteriorly.
2. A small articular-sided supraspinatus tendon tear and a small far anterolateral supraspinatus full-thickness tendon perforation.
PS: Help a Friend of Fatty Out. Sans Auto, one of the frequent commenters in this blog as well as the guy who set me on the right path to eating right with the “Intuitive Eating” technique, is conducting a research project on transportation preferences to find why people use the form of transportation they do. I’d consider it a big favor if you’d participate in the survey. Click here to get started. Caveats: you’ve got to be 18 or older, and you’ve got to work outside the home.
And once you’re done, be sure to type “Friend of Fatty” in the comments section. You know, so when all of Sans Auto’s classmates compare where all the entries come from, they’ll be able to see we totally dominated.
Comments (78)
09.5.2007 | 6:30 am
By the time I get to the main event in today’s entry, you’ll already know what’s coming next. And if I were not a fool — if I had not scoffed at the power of the jinx — I would have seen it coming, too.
But I did scoff at the jinx. Thus, clearly, I am a fool.
I Have a Clever Idea
Last Friday after work, a bunch of us got together to go ride Hog Hollow. It was a perfect day for it. The weather was warm, but not unbearably hot like it has been most of this Summer. The trail was in great shape — I knew because I had been up on Hog Hollow just days before.
And in fact, when I had ridden the downhill chute a few days before, I had done a pretty cool little ledge drop that I would have previously thought above my ability. I had it in mind that maybe it would be cool to show off to my friends — casually, without announcing it. Just roll up the banked turn that leads to it and drop down. Ta da. “Hey, Fatty’s getting some good technical chops,” my friends would say, appreciatively.
Is it even possible for me to foreshadow more bluntly and obviously?
The answer to this question is, “Yes.” Yes, it is.
I Feel Fine. No, Waitasecond, I Feel Great
We began the climb, with the ride splitting into two groups — those of us who ride at our own pace, and those of us who have some weird need to either be the alpha male or at least try to match the alpha male’s pace.
Which is to say, Rick M and I rode off the front. We chatted as we carefully matched pace. Two good friends, looking for weakness in each other.
Before too long, Dug bridged, joining Rick and me. Weirdly, I took the fact that Dug had bridged as a challenge and picked up the pace. Dug rolled his eyes and continued going the speed he was going.
Realizing I was being a dork, I backed off.
Dug then caught me and we started talking about our shoulders. I guess it’s a certain sign of middle age when you and your friends can start contrasting your chronic conditions, but there we were.
Dug told me his doctor basically told him that he had a labral tear and a severely bruised shoulder socket, but that it didn’t warrant surgery.
I told Dug that my shoulder was a lot like his, but the tear had been compounded by so many recurrences that surgery is more of a “when” question than a “whether” question.
“But you know what?” I went on. “This has been a good season for my shoulder. I’ve only dislocated it one time, and that was early in the season. It doesn’t hurt to lift stuff anymore, and my range of motion’s getting much better. It’s been a long time since my shoulder’s felt this good.”
I then joked about how I was totally jinxing myself by saying that.
So, seriously, do I even need to finish writing this story?
OK, I will, but I guarantee you already know how it ends.
The Scream
So we got to the top of Hog Hollow, then began our descent down “The Chute.” The Chute is just a ravine that’s had some semblence of a line etched in through years of mountain bikers and motorcyclers picking their way down.
I have crashed going down The Chute at least ten times. Even my more-talented descender friends have all crashed on The Chute a number of times. There’s no shame in it.
But really, we were just at the top of The Chute. It hadn’t yet become Chute-y at all.
However, there is a short, banked detour off the side of the main trail. It ends with a loose dirt ledge, probably two feet high. This is the ledge I’ve successfully dropped a couple times in the past couple weeks.
Of course, Rick and Dan had already shot by, so they weren’t around to see me “casually” do this drop. Dug had stuck around, though. And one witness is good enough for me.
So I rolled up the bank, then — not wanting to crash into Dug after doing this drop — I tapped the brake.
Then I hit the drop.
At an angle.
The wrong angle.
I went over the handlebars, landing good and hard on my right elbow. somewhere in there, I must’ve made contact with my left elbow and right knee, too, because those are still both cut up and swollen.
But the important thing is, I took a good long verytical fall and took all my weight and momentum on that right arm.
My shoulder — yeah, the messed up one — exploded in pain. Not literally exploded, but from the way it felt, I wouldn’t have been at all surprised to see shoulder shrapnel flying every which way.
I screamed. I yelled. I hopped around and moaned. Strangely enough, even as I was doing this, part of me realized it must look kind of comical to Dug.
Dug, to his credit, didn’t laugh at all. At least, not on the outside. Dug, in fact, did the exact perfect thing to do when a friend crashes hard but is clearly not in mortal danger:
- He checked my bike to see if it was OK (it was fine).
- He started talking about the magnificence of the fall and how painful it must have been.
Really, those are the exact things you ought to do when a friend crashes and there’s nothing you can do about their injuries. Make sure their bike’s good, and then admire the crash as if it were a work of art. It takes the sting out of it.
Afterward
So now, five days later, my right arm is practically useless. It grinds and pops constantly, and each pop is a sharp little moment of pain.
I can pick up light things, but nothing heavy.
Ironically (at least I’m pretty sure there’s some irony here) I can ride just fine. On Monday, Brad and I did a great four-hour mini epic mountain bike ride, and my shoulder gave me no trouble at all (more about that ride tomorrow).
But I can’t help but think about that crash. It was so totally preventable. I crashed because I was showing off. crashed because I went off-course. I crashed because I slowed down too much. I crashed because I went in at a dumb angle.
Of course, those are all contributing factors. They aren’t the real reasons I crashed, though.
I really crashed because I jinxed myself.
Comments (39)
09.2.2007 | 3:07 pm
I love putting on contests. I don’t know why, but I always get excited when I can get ahold of a prize and give something away. Maybe part of it’s that I personally have never won anything at all in a contest, so I’m trying to get the thrill of winning vicariously.
Part of it’s that I have a gift: I’m not afraid to ask for stuff. Long before blogging even existed, I asked Rock Shox for a Judy SL, promising I’d feature it prominently in an educational video I was helping with. Amazingly, they gave us three (I got one, Dug got one, and the guy who was actually doing most of the work on the video got one). Now, of course, I mostly ask for stuff on others’ behalf, although I usually wind up with something for myself, too.
And part of it’s that when I do a contest, I get lots of comments without having to do much work myself. Bloggers live for comments, and I read every single one — usually a couple of times.
Eventually, though, the contest ends. And that’s where the grand irony of contests begins.
Catching Up
See, when I run the contest, I don’t have to do much work at all. I just get the thing I’m going to give away (that’s easy) come up with the idea of how someone can win it (that’s easy), and write a post (I can do that in my sleep…I’m sleeping right now, in fact).
But then I have to choose a winner. And then I often have to exchange a bunch of email finding what size the winner wants and what her/his address is.
And then, worst of all (for me), I have to mail the thing.
And I am terrible at getting to the post office.
Which is why I am only just now getting caught up on sending out bunches and bunches of stuff to the people who have won them.
Ergon BD1 Backpack
There were about 120 entries for the Ergon BD1 backpack. I can understand why. It’s a sweet pack that practically any cyclist could make good use of. And they’re not easy to get ahold of yet. So, once again: Thanks, Jeff Kerkove and Ergon, for letting me give one of these away (and thanks even more for giving me one to keep myself!).
That said, this equated out to about 40 pages of reading for me. And there were some mighty fine entries in there. However, finding a winner was not as difficult as you might have thought. I eliminated all the “I’ll use this to commute and hold all my books and my computer” entries — this is not the right pack for that; this pack is too narrow to hold a computer or most big textbooks. For that kind of carrying, what you want is the Banjo Brothers Commuter Backpack, which is designed for carrying all your carry-to-work-and-school gear.
No, the BD1 isn’t a go-to-work pack. Or a trail maintenance bag. Or a substitute for a diaper bag. The BD1 is a pack for serious endurance racing.
And that’s what Stumper wants to use it for. He says:
Right now, my sites and goals are set on one ride/race……La Ruta. I and a couple friends have signed up for the most punishing mountain bike race on the planet. 200 miles, 32,000 (yes thats 3 zeros) feet elevation gain, in 4 days, coast to coast in Costa Rica. This will be the most epic ride I will ever do.
I need any and all help I can get to survive this death ride. This backpack will be filled with everything I could possibly need to survive the rain, mud, asphalt, jungle, python, spider monkey, and pain that I am sure to encounter on this epic of all epic rides.
Of course there will be plenty of pictures to take to share with others of how absolutly crazy I am to attempt such a feat.
La Ruta will be a chance of a lifetime…or the end of my lifetime, not sure which at this point.
Stumper, email me your name and address and I’ll hook you up with Jeff Kerkove, who will send you the pack. And you’d better hold up your end of the bargain: I want a story and pictures, exclusive to this blog.
Guess My Time
OK, let’s move on to the next prize I get to give away. I’m afraid I’m tardy on this one, mostly because I was so bummed out about my Leadville finishing time that it took a while for me to be able to force myself to find the best guess as to when I’d finish the race.
It turns out that “Dopey” — one of the first ten people to guess, so s/he wasn’t just playing the numbers game — guessed 9:10, only four minutes off my actual finishing time. Dopey, email me your name and address, and I’ll send you a supersized Banjo Brothers Messenger Bag, embroidered with the Fat Cyclist logo.
See, here at Fat Cyclist, I’m happy to reward those who correctly guess that I’ll fail at things that are important to me.
B7 Awards!
A few days ago — okay, it was an entire month — fabled Banjo Brothers Big Bad Bulky Biker Bodyfat (B7) challenge ended.
More than 60 people entered, betting all kinds of different things against a Fat Cyclist jersey. As expected, quite a few people quietly dropped out (Nikared showed a triple helping of class by paying up his side of the bet when he realized he just wasn’t going to be able to continue on).
A big congratulations goes to everyone who lost any weight and gained any fitness through this bet. And an especially big congratulations goes to the following people, each of which beat me at the contest and therefore has a Fat Cyclist jersey on its way to them:
- C
- Allan8147
- Teebone
- Sprocketboy
- Chris R.
- Bob W.
- Lisa B.
- Phillip S.
- Scott R.
- Monkeywebb (sorry I missed you earlier, Monkeywebb!)
And an extra helping of congratulations goes to the top three contestants in the race, each of which wins an awesome Banjo Brothers messenger bag or commuter backpack:
- Allan8147
- Chris R
- SprocketBoy
Impressive work, folks, and a big thank-you goes out to the Banjo Brothers, who have been supporting my site since long before anyone else had even heard of it.
I should also mention that several people have sent me prizes for beating them, each of which I appreciate since it’s not like we had a binding contract or anything. One person sent me a prize even though he had beat me. Another sent me a bonus prize — an autographed copy of Floyd Landis’ Positively False, inscribed “To the Fat Cyclist.” And in general, a lot of people are being incredibly cool about this contest. I’m glad we did it.
Comments (35)
08.31.2007 | 6:57 am
A Note from Fatty: I’m not ready to declare a winner of the Ergon BD1 yet. There are so many entries, and many of them are pretty long. To give all entries a fair shake, I need time to read. I will post a winner Tuesday (Monday’s a holiday and I’m taking the day off).
New Bike Smell
Yesterday, I picked up my new bike from Racer’s Cycle Service and took my first ride.
No, wait. Scratch that. That should read, “We picked up our new bike from Racer’s Cycle Service and took our first ride.”
I’m just not used to having a bicycle be “we” thing, you know? Anyway, check it out:
I love the retro-cruiser look with the mustard fade and the little flame detail:
Handlebars a mile wide:
A Green Line tandem cruiser. How cool is that? (Answer: very, very cool)
Early Observations
Mostly, buying the tandem was a selfish act. I want to spend more time doing outdoor stuff with my kids, but biking’s about the only outdoor thing I’m good at. Since my boys haven’t otherwise showed much of an interest in riding their bikes, I figure maybe I could get them jumpstarted with a tandem. You know, give them the feel for riding a bike, while I do most of the work.
Here’s what I’ve discovered so far, based on one ride with my 11-year-old:
- People see tandems: The jury’s still out on why, but I’ve noticed that people definitely notice and look at the tandems a lot more than they watch other bikes. I’ve got two theories for why: there’s the possible “recumbent” effect — any unusual (i.e., bizarre) bike is going to get noticed. And then there’s my preferred theory, the “Wow, I’ve never seen a tandem cruiser before, that’s totally awesome!” effect.
- The saddles are enormous: I mean, take a look at this thing. It just feels wrong to be sitting on something this gigantic. All part of the experience, though.
- I have never sat so upright on a bike before: The swoop-back handlebars and seat combine to leave you entirely upright on this bike. I expect that for casual riders, this is really great. I feel silly and keep expecting someone to start playing the theme music to The Flying Nun.
- This suckah’s heavy: I haven’t weighed it, but I’d guess this bike weighs 65 pounds. It turns out that if you buy a tandem for less than $500, it’s not going to have all the lightest, high-zoot parts. Go figure.
- I’ve got to cool it with the cadence: I’ve been training myself to pedal a nice fast cadence, and I kept forgetting myself when out riding. And since the cranks have to turn together on the tandem, this meant my 11-year-old kept having his legs spun around much, much faster than he wanted.
- So far, the bike’s a success: My 11-year-old wants to go out on another, longer ride on the tandem this weekend. So, oddly, this by-far-the-cheapest-one-I-own bike may wind up being the most valuable bike in the stable.
Bikes: An Exception to the Law of Diminishing Returns?
As I rode with my son on the tandem, I kept coming back to the thought of how cheap this bike is compared to my other bikes. I mean, it is seriously 1/3 the cost of my next-cheapest bike (the Rig). And this tandem’s a good bike — it seems well-built, and it’s definitely fun to ride.
So have I been wasting my money spending many multiples of this cost on bikes?
No, I don’t think so. I love all my bikes, and feel they’re all good deals. They’re just for different things — riding with kids, riding on the road, racing on the dirt, ruining my knees.
All different parts of the biking experience, all really great. All with different price tags, but all worth every penny of it and more.
Comments (41)
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