03.9.2007 | 8:44 am
This is either the best idea I have ever had, or a completely idiotic, impossible fantasy. Maybe it has elements of both. I’ll let you decide.
First, though, the backstory.
I used to subscribe to pretty much every bike magazine out there (sometime soon, I should go into why I don’t anymore, but not right now). In particular, I looked forward to reading Mike Ferrentino, Zapata Espinoza and Captain Dondo’s descriptions of their biking adventures.
Then, as I rode my local trails, it occurred to me that if one of those high-falutin’ bike adventure journalists ever bothered to show up in my backyard, I could show them trails every bit as awesome as the exotic locations they traveled to. In my mind, I started putting together what I considered the ultimate five-day biking trip to Utah.
It would make for a spectacular five-day biking trip, I promise you.
Evolution of an Idea
As I’ve become less and less starstruck by biking journalists and more interested in just having fun with people I like, the idea of the Ultimate Five-Day Bike Trip in Utah has morphed. I’d still like to put together such a vacation, but it occurs to me now: there are other people in the world who love biking just like I do, and know their local trails and roads just as well as I know mine, and would enjoy showing them off to a few people just as much as I would.
And that’s where the idea of the Ultimate Cyclist Vacation Club (UCVC) came from. And here’s how it would work
Self-Selecting Cliques
Practically anybody at all could join the UCVC. The only prerequisites would be that you’d have to be a cyclist, and you’d have to be willing to be a host at some point (I’ll explain what the host does in a moment).
Being a member of the UVCV doesn’t mean anything, though, until you’ve joined a clique. UVCV members surf around the lounge area of the virtual club, joining conversations, talking about what kind of riding you do, what kind of people you like to ride with, and what your very favorite local trails are.
Eventually, you’ll find a group of people who love the same kind of biking as you. They invite you to join their biking clique.
A clique can have no more than seven people in it. This rule is as absolute as it is arbitrary.
Like-Minded Cyclists + Local Knowledge = Dream Vacation
From here, the UVCV is pretty simple. Each clique would determine for themselves how often they have these vacations, and how many days those vacations last. Each clique member takes turns being a host: putting together an awesome biking vacation for their clique in your home area. When you’re host, you’re responsible for choosing what trails people will ride, where people will stay, picking them up at the airport, arranging with a bike shop to take care of any gear needs travelers will have, where to eat…pretty much everything. You’re Mr. Rork, and your hometown is Fantasy Island.
And, naturally, when it’s someone else’s turn to be the host, you should expect them to put together every bit as nice of a vacation for you as you did for them.
And Then You Ride
Once everyone arrives, you get to show off your hometown trails and/or roads. Show them the absolute cream of your crop — the stuff only locals know about. The stuff that makes you absolutely positively certain that your hometown is the best place in the world to ride. Your mission is make your clique seriously consider moving to where you live, just on the strength of the quality of your trails.
My UVCV Ad
So, what would I look for in a UVCV clique, and what would I be able to offer as a host? Here’s what I’m thinking:
- Type of rider: I like riding road and mountain. On a vacation, I think I’d rather weight my riding toward more mountain, but maybe that’s just because I’ve never been on the ultimate road ride. I like rides that last all day. and I like technical riding, but not so technical that I need to be a trials phenom.
- Rider personality: I like cheerful people. I do not like complainers, unless things are obviously going really badly, in which case I do not like cheerful people. I like sarcastic people, unless sarcasm is the only arrow you’ve got in your comedy quiver. I do not like bossy people, but expect people to appreciate my innate leadership qualities. I do not like it when people make fun of how I always get lost.
- Where I’d like to ride: I’d like other members of my clique to represent places that are mostly close by — at this time in my life, a trip to Italy or Australia just isn’t likely. So, I’d be looking for AZ, NM, CO, WY, and ID riders for my clique. From what I hear, there’s tons of great riding in each of these states, and I could get to them easily.
- What I’d have to offer as host: I would show off Tibble Fork (the Best Place in the World, which includes incredible views, difficult climbing, and two kinds of exquisite descents), Hog’s Hollow (ending in a natural waterslide), the Gauntlet (an epic 80-mile road ride with 9000 feet of climbing), then off to Southern Utah for Gooseberry and Little Creek Mesa. There are innumerable great burrito / fish taco places in the area. And the Marriott here costs about as little as a Super 8 in most metro cities. This week would wipe you (and me) out, but you’d love every single ride.
I Have No Idea Whether I’m Serious About This
Is this a good idea? Or is it completely stupid and/or impossible for some reason that hasn’t occurred to me? If it is a good idea, what would your UVCV ad look like?
PS: Enough out-of-United-States-ers have said they want to be in the Dave Nice Raffle that I’m going to try to include them. So, here’s how things will work if you’re out of the U.S. and win a prize that has to be shipped. When you get notification that you won, you can do any of the following:
- Have me give it to some other random raffle ticket holder.
- Have me send it to someone in the U.S. you know.
- Have me send it to you, but you pay the shipping.
PPS: A huge “thanks” to all the companies that have put up prizes and to everyone who has donated. So far, we’ve raised $940 for Dave. That’s pretty awesome. I’m sure all you non-US-ers are now going to sign up for the raffle so we can break $1000, right?
PPPS: This Monday, watch for a very special edition of this blog, where I either tearfully accept my Bloggie Award, or make a snarky concession speech, depending on whether I win.
Comments (40)
03.7.2007 | 12:21 pm
I didn’t want a contest. I just wanted to work off the Delta Snack Box, the QDoba Mole Burrito, and the TCBY Frozen Yogurt (with mini M&Ms) I had eaten before, during, and after my flight.
I just wanted to try to do something right, food-and-training-wise, during my trip.
So as soon as I arrived at the hotel, I dug out some shorts and a jersey, put on the running shoes — I figured there was no way the hotel’s gym would have SPD pedals — and headed to the second floor.
There were only two stationary bikes: one upright, one recumbent. And both of them were taken. Both the treadmills were taken, too, which is good or I would have been forced to run. Ick.
So, confronted with the options of either lifting weights or skulking menacingly near the stationary bikes, I skulked.
It worked. Within a few minutes, someone got off one of the treadmills, and the woman on the upright stationary bike hustled over to it — clearly, she had been riding the bike just to kill time.
I got the seat to something approximating the right height for me — not easy when the saddle only adjusts in one-inch increments — and started pedaling the Lifestyle 2000 (or whatever it was called).
Hill Workout Plus
I’m pretty sure that in 1983, some very good salesperson sold the same exercise bicycle to every hotel in America, and that nobody has sold any exercise bikes since then. Meaning, yes, I’ve been on a bike like this before. I started pedaling, pressed the “Hill Workout Plus” button, and started pressing the “Level Up” button over and over, until I felt some resistance.
Then I turned on the iPod, put my head down, and tried to switch off my brain.
I did not succeed.
Here’s the problem with hotel exercise bikes. They’re poorly maintained (mine had a sticking point at the 8:00 position on the left crank), they have short crank arms to monkey up your spinning motion, and their built-in programs are specifically designed to bore you to death and back again.
OK, technically that’s more than one problem.
I endured the Hills Plus workout program pretty well, keeping my cadence right at 100, my heart rate right at 145. The hills never lasted more than a minute, so I didn’t really feel like they should be called “hills.” More like “very big molehills.”
Foe
As I rode, I occasionally looked over to my right. There, on the recumbent, spun a guy — about my age — who looked like a triathlete. You know the type.
Now something I’ve noticed in hotel gyms many times: nobody stays very long. I arrive, start pedaling, and by the time I’ve done a half-hour workout, there’s been a complete turnover in the gym.
But not this time. The guy was still pedaling, a nice 95+rpm cadence by the look of it.
So, when the workout ended, I immediately dialed up another one. This time a “manual” workout: a half-hour long spin where I got to specify the resistance at will.
A Brief Contemplation on Saddles and Sorting
As I pedaled, I devised a simple and foolproof test to tell whether someone is a cyclist. Here’s how it goes: Offer a person identical bikes, except one has a narrow saddle, and one has a big, padded saddle. The person who picks the big, padded saddle is the one who doesn’t know better — i.e., the non-cyclist.
The reason this simple test occurred to me is that the saddle I was sitting on was big and padded, and I was rapidly discovering how awful such a saddle feels — the thing was cutting into my butt in any number of painful ways.
On a good bike with a good saddle, I can literally ride all day. I could not, however, ride a bike with this saddle for more than two hours if my butt depended on it.
And it was while I was thus thinking that second half-hour workout ended.
And still, the triathlete (for I was increasingly certain he was a triathlete, though we had not yet spoken) pedaled on.
So I dialed up another half-hour workout.
It was official (in my head, anyway): it was a contest of endurance.
Champion
An hour and seventeen minutes into my workout, the triathlete finally spun to a stop. I contemplated saying each of the following things:
- “Done already?”
- “Better luck next time.”
- “Good effort.”
Instead, I said none of these things. He, however, walked up to me and asked, “So do you ride mountain or road?”
Oh, so he was going to try the friendly approach. Fine. I can play that game. “I like both. How about yourself?”
“Oh, I’m a triathlete.”
I knew it. Knew it.
“Hey, enjoy the rest of your workout,” he said, and left.
I continued spinning, at a renewed pace.
Until he had been gone thirty seconds and I was confident he wasn’t coming back. Then I got off that stupid bike and promised myself I’d never ride on a hotel exercycle again in my life.
PS: Everyone who’s bought raffle tickets to support Dave Nice: Dave emailed me last night saying, “Thanks! I am blown away at how helpful cyclists are!” The raffle has earned more than $700 for Dave so far, which is awesome. In fact, it’s more than 1/4 of the total amount Dave’s trying to save up for his race. If you haven’t bought tickets yet, you still can: click here.
Comments (32)
03.6.2007 | 5:06 am
A Note from Fatty: If you’ve entered the “It’s Nice to be Nice to Dave Nice” raffle, thanks! If you haven’t, you still have time. Click here to go to yesterday’s post and buy a ticket. There are hundreds of dollars’ worth of prizes, and you’ll be helping a good guy do a really cool race.
Another Note from Fatty: As many of you know, I am currently traveling for work, and don’t have a huge amount of time to write. However, I did have a few minutes to have an instant message with my friend Dug about the race my friends did last weekend. It was an interesting story, and I thought lots of people should hear it. So I asked him to write up the story for use in my blog.
Dug — overachiever that he is — copied and pasted the transcript of our IM chat into an email message.
Nice.
So, here you go. Dug’s recounting of The Desert Rampage, in all its instant message glory.
Elden: ririe [Ed note: dug's middle name is Ririe]
dug: clyde [Ed note: my middle name is Clyde]
Elden: good race?
dug: very fun, great course, great event. i had two flats and an exploded pedal.
dug: had to carry my bike across the finish line.
dug: rode the last half mile on the rim.
dug: kenny, who i hate now, because he’s so obviously on steroids, took third in SS category, brad, who i can’t bring myself to hate even though he’s also obviously on steroids, took 5th.
dug: there were about 20 in the SS category. i’ve never seen so many singles. and they lump us all together, just “Singles.” so we schmoes were racing against semi pro, expert, and the like. lots of em.
dug: sunderlage took 6th in his age group in sport.
Elden: was he on ss?
dug: no
dug: his new cool 29er hardtail. maiden voyage. he was worried about racing it for its first ride, but had no problems.
Elden: how many were in his class?
dug: not sure, lots though, very large field in all categories it seemed.
Elden: he’s strong like bull
dug: brad would have been 4th, but jamie pogue passed him at the line.
Elden: well, that’s not very respectful.
dug: no.
dug: not respectful at all. extreme lack of manners.
dug: drafted him up the finishing straight, and came around at finish.
dug: brad didn’t know he was there till it was too late.
dug: i didn’t expect to have so much fun. i enjoyed myself much more than i expected.
dug: i remember racing as being nothing but a cloud of pain. it’s been years since i’ve done anything like this.
Elden: especially with so much going wrong.
dug: i dunno, maybe because of that. the time spent fixing flats and such might have meant more oxygen to breathe i guess. although, i still avoided the DFL. two singles behind me.
Elden: how’d your pedal explode?
dug: i don’t know, never seen it happen before. i have regular eggbeaters.
dug: it just collapsed. the tines turned floppy, like the t-rex’s jaw in king kong.
dug: some spring must have exploded
dug: happened right at the beginning of the second lap.
Elden: sounds like the main spring that wraps around the axle died.
dug: okay, mr mechanic. anyway. each lap had two major climbs, i had first flat at the top (!?) of the first climb.
Elden: i like to imagine the pedal snapped with a tangy boioioioioing sound.
dug: boom, the rear tire exploded off the rim.
dug: nobody ever told me you couldn’t pump up a stan’s tube more than about 40/45. remember, kenny put stans in my rear tire after the tube kept exploding out of the tire on bartlett wash in moab last november. i haven’t messed with it since.
dug: anyway, before the race, i went to 50.
dug: like in the princess bride.
dug: “NOT TO 50!”
Elden: did it explode, spattering you with gooey stans creme filling?
dug: did explode, didn’t spatter me so much. but my surly horizontal drop out and oversized rotor disc is a rube goldberg to take off.
dug: i put a tube in finally. had two air cartridges.
dug: unfortunately, one was threaded, one not threaded. and i had the little thread-on doo hicky.
dug: i put the threaded one in, but that gives you onlyl about 20 lbs of pressure in a fat tire.
dug: i tried to put the unthreaded one in, but since it wasn’t threaded, once i punctured, it just flew away like a balloon. i never even found the cartridge. it’s under a cactus somewhere out there. make a nice home for a desert snail. are there desert snails?
Elden: you’re not using the big air cartridges?
dug: um. no. i haven’t looked inside that seat pack since moab in november.
Elden: audible laughter on the jet-propelled co2 cartridge.
dug: thanks. so i rode rest of first lap with about 20 psi in back tire. i’m not a delicate rider, so i was worried. this was a rocky, ledgy desert course.
dug: but it seemed to be working out okay.
dug: then, at the start of the second lap climb, suddenly, my left left foot woudn’t engage in the pedal.
dug: i didn’t want to stop, i was feeling really good, passing people back, so kept trying to feel the bottom of my foot as i rode, to see if the cleat had broken.
dug: i finally realized at the top that the pedal was the culprit.
dug: during the climb, i inadvertantly kicked myself in the hand and face a couple times as my foot would fly forward off the pedal on technical uphill ledges.
dug: i’m pretty sure i punctured my left knee.
Elden: battle of the century. dug against bike. who will emerge victorious?
dug: i also had to stop to re-align the back wheel which was turning sideways, cuz i spazzed putting it back on. you have to actually loosen the disc brake assembly to install/remove the back wheel on this bike, because the discs are from my old c-dale gemini, and are ginormous. also, i have a surly nut on there, to keep it aligned. which, ironically, i can’t figure out, so my back wheel always seems to be about an inch out of alignment.
Elden: this is, in fact, an awesome story.
dug: it’s just what happened. i was lucky to have allen wrench with me. as you know, i normally don’t carry anything but bit-o-honey.
Elden: the big lie of the singlespeed is that they’re simpler than geared bikes. trickery.
dug: yeah, i try to treat it as if it’s simpler, when, in fact, only difference is no shifting to worry about. anyway, finally at bottom of last downhill on second lap, the course gets very technical and ledgy. i was being careful, but i didn’t want to get passed either.
dug: on what seemed like the final drop-off of the downhill, i let it go too much.
dug: rear tire blew like a gun shot.
dug: totally dented the rim.
dug: i said “screw it” and just kept riding. only had a half mile to go.
dug: so i rode for almost half mile, and was getting passed a lot.
dug: the final hairpin turn is rutted and such, then there’s about 100 yards to the finish, along a spectator alley, lots of spectators there.
Elden: at some point you get to a place where you’re willing to sacrifice your entire bike, just to get across the line.
dug: yeah, i had literally already planned out my strategy for using this to tell kim that i needed to buy a new singlespeed. i was hoping the bike would just implode to strenghten my argument. so i stayed high on the idehill on the last turn, to let someone pass me.
dug: the tire and tube just rolled all the way off the rim, catching in the spokes and chain, throwing me off the bike. yes, in front of cheering crowd.
dug: tire and tube were dragging behind the bike like a cat caught in the gears.
Elden: like a giant black snake attacking your bike.
dug: so i had to stop, get off, pick it all up and drag it to finish line.
Elden: you’ve got to watch out for those giant black snakes. they’re both subtle and voracious.
dug: anyway, the whole race felt exhilirating.
dug: i really enjoyed it.
dug: i had my ipod shuffle on.
dug: clipped to my cool new swerve knickers pocket.
Elden: you were racing AND making a fashion statement.
dug: i was, i had the knickers and a bright yellow beatles tshirt. i kept accidentally hitting the back button when i would try to do a ledge.
dug: i must have listened to “my name is prince” like 8 times.
dug: at least it wasn’t enya.
Elden: because then you would have had to stab out your eardrums.
dug: brad wore black knickers he made himself from dress pants, dress socks, and a button down office type shirt
dug: it was beautiful.
dug: everybody else seemed so totally lycra.
dug: like a gay pride day parade.
Elden: though in actuality you put a lot more thought into what you were wearing they did.
dug: anyway, we missed you. it’s a really good event. good course, good organization, great weather.
Elden: wish i could have been there
dug: hang on a second, i’ll go to the garage and take a pic of the bike with my cameraphone.
Elden: holy smokes. you should have no trouble selling the new bike thing to kim.
Comments (26)
03.3.2007 | 10:41 pm
Picture yourself in this situation. You’ve picked out an incredibly difficult event to race in — something so difficult the race itself will take close to a month to ride. You’ve spent most of a year gathering gear, training, saving money, and arranging your life so that you can be away for a month.
That race totally becomes your life. When it finally begins, you can hardly believe it. You’re about to start the adventure of a lifetime.
And then, just a few days into it, someone steals your bike.
Your race is over.
And that, my friends, is exactly what happened to Dave Nice last year at the Great Divide Race (GDR).
Try, Try Again
A lot of people have already banded together and helped get Dave a new bike. That’s very cool. Now Dave is getting ready to try doing the Great Divide Race again this year. He’s doing the training, he’s getting the gear, and now he needs money for food, bike maintenance, and the occasional hotel room. Basically, he needs about $2500.
And I think we should help him out.
Oh, and you can win some very cool prizes if you do.
What You Can Win
Here’s how it works. Buy a virtual raffle ticket for $5.00, and you get one chance at winning one of the prizes listed below. Buy two raffle tickets, you win two chances at winning a prize. Buy three tickets, you get three chances. Get the idea? The more raffle tickets you buy, the better the chances are you’ll win something — and there’s no rule that you can’t win more than one prize.
Sooooo, tell ‘em what they can win, Johnny.
- Banjo Brothers Commuter Backpack and $50 Gift Certificate to Penn Cycle: A while back, I wrote a review of this backpack. I loved it. I still love it. And now you can have one and love it, too. And, because the Banjo Brothers are cooler than they have any right to be, they’re throwing in a $50.00 gift certificate to Penn Cycles, where you can get pretty much any bike-related item you want. These two items are worth $130.00 togehter and will be treated as a single awesome prize for some lucky winner. Sweet!
- Twin Six Jersey: Any style, any size. Which Twin Six jersey design is your favorite? The Argyle? The Speedy? The Deluxe? They’re all so cool that it’s hard to choose, isn’t it. Well, if you win this prize, you’re going to have to make that choice. You may lose some sleep over it, but it’ll be worth it.
- 5 Boxes of Trailblaze Bake-at-Home Energy Bars: Not one but two lucky winners will get five boxes of what I consider to be the most delicious energy food on the market today. If I won this prize, I’d definitely go with three boxes of the chocolate chip flavor and two boxes of the Cranberry Walnut (and then mix in a handful of chocolate chips of my own). Warning: Trailblaze Bake-at-Home Energy bars are highly addictive. Eat at your own risk.
- Free Coaching: Lofgran coaching will give away a month’s free coaching and a free set up consultation if you’re interested in long-term term coaching, or a set up consultation with a one month training schedule free. Either way, that’s worth more than $100.
- Twin Six T-Shirt: Any style, any size. What? I thought Twin Six had another prize up higher in the list. Well, it turns out they just can’t help themselves. They give and they give and they give.
- Vicious Cycles Two-Day Socks: Day one: wear the gray half on the outside. Day two, switch left and right feet and the black half is on the outside. Kind of like two pairs for the price of one! Two winners will proudly sport the Vicious Cycles logo around their ankles.
- Ergon grips: I just got a set of the R1 grips for the Weapon of Choice; now three lucky winners will get a set of these high-zoot grips for their MTB. Actually, these are too advanced to be called “grips.” They should be called “handlebar management systems” or something. You’re going to dig them.
Bonus Gift for Entering
Every single person who buys a raffle ticket will get a fatcyclist.com email address of their choosing and a 2Gb email account as a “thank you” for helping out. You know what I’d ask for as my email address if someone gave me a free fatcyclist.com email account? Something like one of these:
- sweaty@fatcyclist.com
- bigandbloated@fatcyclist.com
- cholesterolphreak@fatcyclist.com
‘Course, that’s just me. You get to pick whatever you want. As long as I don’t think it’s obscene or something.
OK, Time To Buy Raffle Tickets
How easy is it to buy raffle tickets to support Dave on his GDR this year?
Real easy, that’s how easy.
Below, just enter how many tickets you want and click Buy to go to the checkout page, where you can pay with Paypal (which lets you pay either with your own account or with a credit card). It’s all secure and stuff.
The raffle will go on ’til the Saturday, the 17th of March, at which point I’ll let the winners know how what they’ve won and how much money we pulled together for Dave.
Some Fine Print
All the prizes are donated (thanks, Ads-for-Schwag partners!), so there’s no cost-of-prize overhead. Every penny I collect from this raffle will go to Dave.
Note to all my non-U.S. readers: The Ads-for-Schwag advertisers are generous, but none of them are super rich. Which means that while they’re cool with donating nice prizes, they aren’t cool with paying for shipping all over the world. Which means that prizes — with the exception of Lofgran Coaching, which is available to anyone, anywhere — are only available inside the U.S. Which means that if you’re not in the U.S., you can still donate, but you aren’t going to win anything. (If this bothers you, you can rectify the situation by finding me an Ad-for-Schwag partner in your country.) Of course, you’ll still get a fatcyclist.com email account, and that’s something, right?
PS to All B7 Challengers: It’s March now. Time to do your monthly weigh in and time trial. Speaking of which, I just did mine Saturday, and here’s where I stand:
MY SCORE: 75
Weight Loss Score: 59
Time Trial Score: 16
DETAILS
Starting Weight: 179.8
Weight Loss Goal: 31.8
Current Weight: 161
First Time Trial: 19:15
Current Time Trial: 16:14
The thing is, while these are good numbers, there are people who are doing even better — looks like I’m going to have to give away a few jerseys! Read more about how the Banjo Brothers’ Big Bad Bulky Biker Bodfyat (B7) challenge is going over at the forum.
Comments (39)
03.2.2007 | 11:53 am
Hi Guys,
First off, let me just say that I wish, with all my heart, that I could be heading to Southern Utah and racing with you this weekend. You know there’s nothing I love more than a good roadtrip.
Alas, I have other responsibilities. I’ll be traveling for work for the next two weeks, and just couldn’t bring myself to ask my wife if I could also be gone this weekend.
It is this kind of wisdom, my friends, that has kept me married for nigh on 20 years.
Since I cannot ride with you, however, I wanted to take a few minutes to offer you some practical guidance for your race this weekend.
Helpful Advice
Many people arrive at a race thinking that if they just ride their bikes like they always do — only faster — everything will work out just fine.
These people are fools.
If you want to have a successful racing experience, be sure to follow these simple rules:
- Make sure your equipment is in tip-top condition. Is the chain lubed? Plenty of air in the tires? Shifters (if applicable) and brakes in good shape? Wheels true? All of these things are important, unless you’re Dug. In which case, since you haven’t even scraped the mud off your bike since the last time you rode it (five months ago), you should pick the bike up and slam it onto the road a few times, just to knock the big clods off. Maybe check to see if the chain has rusted solid. Otherwise, don’t worry about it.
- Dress for success. The fact that you’ve never won anything before doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t win this weekend, so picture yourself on top of the podium, and then select a jersey you’ll be proud to show off during your moment of glory. If any of you want to borrow my Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup jersey, just swing by my house on the way out of town.
- Bring plenty of water. I know that this race will last only an hour or so (or two hours, for Rick Sunderlage [not his real name]), but you should never underestimate the importance of staying properly hydrated. Here’s a rule of thumb: for every minute you’re racing, you should consume five ounces of water. So, for an 80-minute race, that means you ought to carry 400 oz (just over three gallons) of water. For convenience and speed, You may want to tow a 5-gallon drum full of Gatorade in a B.O.B. trailer. Don’t worry about this slowing you down; everyone will be bringing that much to drink.
- Bring plenty of food. Top nutritionists agree that during a race you should consume one calorie per second, which comes out to 3600 / hour. This is not as easy as you might think. The best way to avoid a calorie deficit is by continuously eating sticks of butter during the race. Oreos work great, too.
- Use proper passing techniques. While not likely, it’s at least possible that sometime during this race you will want to pass somebody. If this happens, yell “TRACK!” nine times, in rapid succession. Then — and this is important — yell “On your left!” or “On your right!” The confusing thing is, my friends, if you yell “On your left!” it means you want them to move left, because you want to pass them on the right. Don’t worry, though. Everyone racing knows this. (Note: It’s vital to have a clever quip at hand for when you pass an opponent. I recommend saying, “I am much faster than you!” in a Peewee Herman voice.)
- Don’t be ashamed to ask for directions. With all the people in this race, it’s easy to get disoriented. Don’t be ashamed if you feel the need to pull over and ask a bystander whether you are on the proper course. Be sure to follow up by asking whether you are going in the proper direction.
- If you fall, stay put! If, in the unfortunate likelihood — for Brad, almost a certainty — of an accident, stay right where you land and wait for police and emergency medical personnel to arrive. I repeat — and I cannot stress this strongly enough — no matter how angry other racers get because you’re laying right in the middle of the course, do not move. Even though you feel just fine and think that you could easily get back on the bike and finish the race, stay seated and wait. Don’t make a bad thing worse by trying to move yourself. You may be injured much worse than you think. (Note to Kenny: If you fall, yell “I broke my hip! I broke my hip!” because you probably did. You may also want to yell at the other racers to get offa yer lawn.)
- Be prepared. Yes, I know this is the Boy Scout motto, but it should be everyone’s motto. In particular, I recommend you be prepared by having ready an interesting and compelling excuse for why you lost. Don’t wait until you’ve actually lost to start getting this excuse ready. Begin now and try to have it as fully-formed as possible by the time the race begins. You can then flesh it out — add details and events from the actual event — during the race. When you tell your story, it’ll seem practically believable!
I hope you find this advice both practical and valuable. Good luck at the race, guys!
Kind Regards,
The Fat Cyclist
PS: Today’s weight: 162.0
PPS: Thanks to everyone who nominated me for the VeloNews site of the day. The editor’s sent me an email begging me to cut it out, so I think I’m now either a shoo-in for site of the day, or banned for life.
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