If Dad Likes It, It Must Be Lame

01.29.2007 | 11:12 am

As a kid, I thought that hamburgers at McDonald’s tasted wrong. Same thing for any other restaurant. The meat just didn’t taste right.

What I was not used to, it turns out, was the taste and texture of beef.

Why? Because at my house, all the red meat came from elk and deer. Similarly, we ate a lot of fresh trout. And a lot of pheasant and duck.

My dad, you see, is an awesome hunter / fisherman. It’s what he loves, he’s extraordinarily good at it, and it is a joy to watch him in action. He catches fish after fish while everybody else stands around the stream or lake, joyless.

He has killed — with bow and arrow, not rifle — at least one elk and deer pretty much every season since he was a teenager.

He had his prostate cancer surgery timed last year so that it would be right after the archery season, giving him plenty of recovery time for next year’s fun.

I am convinced that his one great wish in life was for me to be a hunter like him. And there were some early indications that I would be. I’ve inherited his talent for fishing, and used to do pretty well in 4-H archery competitions.

But I don’t care for hunting or fishing. I’m not against them; I just don’t have fun doing them. Not interested.

Why not? Maybe it’s a carryover from a teenage rebellion thing — if Dad likes it, I don’t. Maybe it’s that I backpacked so much elk meat back to the truck from where Dad cleaned it that I can’t help but equate hunting with manual labor.

Maybe I’m just lazy.

My Turn
So now I’ve got kids of my own, and I — like my Dad — am trying to share my passion (for bikes, not eating) with them. Here’s how it’s working out so far:

  • The 13-Year-Old: My oldest son is quite possibly the most centered, ethical, honest person who has ever been born. He is smart, he is kind, he is friendly without being obnoxious. He and I share the same sense of humor, and we love working on the computer together. But he does not care about bikes at all. He doesn’t have a bike, and doesn’t want a bike. As I badger him about giving riding a try, he gently declines, trying hard to not hurt my feelings.
  • The 11-Year-Old: The athlete / academic in the family, my 11-year-old son will in fact go out on a ride with me. But that’s the only time he gets on his bike. And when we ride, he finds a reason he needs to go home soon.
  • The Twins: I bought matching sparkly pink bikes with baskets and tassels for the girls’ birthday last October. They seem oddly suspicious of these bikes, as if they were objects to be feared. The girls still prefer to be towed around in the bike trailer. Together. At age 5. Which is a good workout, I’ll grant you.

Where Did I Go Wrong?
Let me know if I’ve missed something, but I thought all kids are supposed to love bikes. I thought parents just gave their kids a bike at some point, and the kids started riding them all over the place, delighted in their newfound speed, mobility, and freedom.

So how come none of my kids care about bikes at all?

I have some theories:

  • Spandex Avoidance: I go out riding in tight black shorts, stiff-soled shoes, and a brightly-colored, stinky jersey. How could they help but worry that if they start riding they’ll have to dress up like that.
  • Pain Avoidance: I come home from bike rides all scratched up, bruised, and frequently with a dislocated shoulder. That doesn’t look like fun.
  • Suspicion: I say vegetables are good, when it’s quite clear to my children that vegetables are gross. By extension, if I say biking is fun, biking must suck big time.
  • Blog Fear: Dad writes about every little bike-related thing that ever happens to him, and then his invisible Internet buddies pile on. They don’t want to be a part of that.
  • Helmets: I always make my kids wear a helmet, even though the rest of the kids on the street get to ride without helmets all the time. My kids probably avoid riding in order to avoid peer ridicule.
  • Too Many Tips: As I teach my kids to ride, I’m constantly giving them advice. Useful stuff I have gleaned over years and years of riding. If I were learning to ride a bike, I would hate to have me as a teacher.
  • A Curse: My father placed a curse on me that my children would be  interested in biking to the same extent that I like hunting and fishing.

Has anyone else out there been trying to get (or, better yet, been successful in getting) a reluctant child to get interested in biking, or am I alone in this?

PS: The photo contest begins tomorrow. Make sure you’ve got your best biking photo ready to upload.

PPS: Hey, I know I’ve beat this to death over the past couple days, but just in case you haven’t, take a few minutes and go vote in the Bloggies. I’m in the “Best Kept Secret” category, waaaay toward the bottom of the list.

PPPS: Today’s weight: 173

Comments (38)

 

The Best of the “Open Letters To…”

01.28.2007 | 9:58 pm

A Very Special Note from Fatty: Last week’s contest to win the ridiculously cool Twin Six Speedy Jersey was huge. I’m really glad that I long ago learned my lesson and no longer force myself to actually choose an entry I like best, instead going for the extremely-clever selection technique of choosing a random comment, and if I like it, it’s the winner.

This time, the first random comment I landed on was Diego Noronha’s, who had the good sense to post the 63rd entry. Diego, email me with your address, and I’ll get that jersey to you. Hey, send a photo of you sporting this jersey when you get it, wouldja?

Another Very Special Note from Fatty: Tomorrow I’ll be launching the first-ever Fat Cyclist photo contest, provided I manage to finish figuring out this Gallery software. Kenny’s Photo (hey, check out the ad in the sidebar) will be giving the winner $100 credit in prints at his site as well as a professionally enlarged and sprayed print of your winning photo — as in 16″ x 20″ or 16″ x 24″, whatever works best with the shot. How’s that for cool? As usual, entering costs you nothing. Start looking for your best cycling-related photos now!

A Less-Special But Hopefully Somewhat Clarifying Note From Fatty for The Folks Surfing Here From the Bloggies Site: Here at Fat Cyclist, rather than asking my advertisers for money, I ask them to fork over some of their product or service. Then I give it away in a weekly (unless I get lazy) contest. This way my advertisers get a bunch o’ bounce for their buck, my readers discover that my advertisers have really cool products, and I get…um…I get…uhhhh…I get to not have to figure out where blog income fits on my income taxes. It’s Win-win-win! Huzzah!

So just in case you haven’t already made up your mind in voting in the Bloggies’ Best-Kept Secret category, feel free to ask yourself, “Of all the blogs I read, which is most likely to actually give me something in return?

Not that I’m trying to bribe you or anything.

At least, not at the moment.

Although, now that I think about it….

The Best of the “An Open Letter To…” Series
Little by little, I’m trying to move some of the popular entries from my old MSN Spaces site over here. Today I’m going with my “Open Letter To…” stuff (by the way, check out To Whom It May Concern, another one of the Bloggies Best Kept Secret finalists. This blog does excellent open letters three times a week).  

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A Stupid Man Tells You How To Do Stuff

01.27.2007 | 4:44 pm

So I’ve been watching the links coming in from other sites the last couple days. I’m curious who’s linking to me because of the whole Bloggies Award contest.

I know, I know, I should just let whatever’s going to happen, happen.

But I can’t help myself.

First off, a big “Thanks” to my friends at Go Clipless, who are asking their readers to go vote for Jill Up in Alaska and me.

To my chagrin, however, according to memstreams.net, I am officially stupid.

I Embrace My Stupidity
Knowing that I’m stupid is a relief, in some ways. It absolves me of responsibility for my stupid acts. If a smart person does something stupid, you wonder why. If a stupid person does something stupid, hey, he’s just being himself.

So anyway, it’s good to know that I’m stupid.

Moving from the Old Place to the New Place
Being stupid explains also why it took so long for me to figure out that if I don’t start moving some of my favorite posts from my old site, it will never get done.

See what I mean? Stupid.

The thing is, there’s a lot of stuff over there, and no automatic way to move it. So I’ve been putting it off and putting it off, figuring I’d eventually sit down one day and have a marathon porting session.

That, of course, was stupid of me.

How to Do Everything Important
So, instead, I’m going to try to start moving some of my favorites over a little at a time. Today, for example, I moved over a bunch of my favorite — and, let’s face it, very useful and informative — “How To” articles.

If you haven’t read them before, read them now. All of them. Immediately. If you have read them before, read them again, looking for deeper meaning and nuance.

I Am Now Taking Requests
Over the next week or so, I’m going to root through the old blog and bring over my favorite posts. Tomorrow I think I’ll focus on “An Open Letter To….” Then maybe I’ll bring over all things Lance-related. Then some fake news.

If you’ve got a favorite, let me know and I’ll prioritize accordingly. If my feeble brain is up to it, anyway.

PS: If you haven’t already, do me a big favor and go vote for me — I’m the stupid one in the “Best-Kept-Secret” category.

Comments (30)

Wherein I Confront the M&M Demon, But First Talk About A Bunch of Other Stuff

01.26.2007 | 10:59 am

I want to talk about M&Ms today, because I think M&Ms are an important topic, and deserve the focused, serious attention and respect that only I can give.

But first, I have a bunch of self-aggrandizing announcements, pleas, and reminders to make.

Vote For Me, Or And I’ll Hold My Breath ‘Til I Turn Purple
Thank you, thank you, thank you to all the people who nominated me for the 2007 Bloggies Awards. Because of you, Fat Cyclist is now a finalist in the Best-Kept Secret Award.

I confess, I am irrationally exuberant.

So, now that I’m a finalist, I need you to go vote for me again. Click here to vote.

Also, go tell your friends to vote. And tell your friends to tell their friends to vote. And tell your family. And your coworkers. Shout it from the rooftops.

But please don’t tell my advertisers that I’m a well-kept secret. That doesn’t jibe very well with my story of how extraordinarily popular I am and how many trazillions of people visit my site every day.

Anyway, as an incentive to get you to vote, I hereby proclaim that I will post both video and pictures of my heretofore unmentioned (in this blog anyway) talent:

I can make my face turn bright purple at will.

Yes, at a moment’s notice I can make my face turn bright purple. Veins stand out on my forehead, and my eyes go all bloodshot. It looks like I’m about to have an aneurysm.

It’s a sight to behold, and it gives me a royal headache to do, and usually people beg me to stop before I’ve taken it as far as I can, because it really does look freaky.

I think you’ll dig it.

So go vote for me. Right now. Thank you.

Results of My Son’s Science Project
A couple weeks ago, I asked you to participate in my son’s science fair project by checking your resting heart rate, drinking some diet cola, and then seeing what happened to your heart rate over the next hour.

Well, thanks to your help (as well as the fact that my son is a full-on brainiac), he got an ‘A’ for his project. I don’t know whether he won any awards for his project; those haven’t been announced yet. 

I think you’ll find his results pretty darn interesting. His results are posted on his project website; click here to go educate yourself.

It’s Not Too Late to Win the Awesome Twin Six Speedy Jersey
I’m pretty sure we’ve got a record number of entries for this week’s contest to win the Twin Six Speedy jersey, which I think means you all must like Twin Six designs as much as I do. I’m not choosing a winner ’til tomorrow, so if you haven’t left a comment for that day’s entry, go do it now.

And please bear in mind that Twin Six — like all my Ads-For-Schwag partners — aren’t doing this just because they like to give stuff away. So why don’t you go take a look at their site, see what they have to offer, and bookmark them. Next time you’re in the mood for a jersey that doesn’t look like a billboard, remember them.

Next Week’s Contest
Next week, the contest is going to be a little different than usual: it’s going to be a photo contest. Start digging up your best bike-related photos and get ready — I’ve got a great prize all lined up (and I’ll be setting up a place for you to upload your photos to my website over the weekend).

The M&M: Confronting a Perfect Food
As you are no doubt aware, M&Ms are one of the hallowed Seven Perfect Foods. The attributes of the Seven Perfect Foods are as follows:

  • Taste: Obviously, a Perfect Food must be universally regarded as delicious, to the point that any holding an opposing point of view is regarded as both a contrarian and a fool.
  • Texture: A Perfect Food must have a texture that is perfect by itself, enhances other foods when combined with them, and is regarded as wonderful even as it changes due to temperature variance. It must feel good in the mouth whether you bite down on it or let it dissolve. It must feel right whether you eat a tiny bite (or one at a time) or in giant mouthfuls. The texture of a Perfect Food, however, is not simply how that food feels once in the mouth, but when you hold it in your hands. It must be a delight to touch.
  • Aesthetic Qualities: A Perfect Food must be a joy to behold.
  • Mythical Status: A Perfect Food must have a body of lore built up around it. One must feel that one is participating in a longstanding tradition when enjoying a Perfect Food. This attribute ensures that no flash-in-the-pan upstart is regarded as a Perfect Food. A Perfect Food not only can stand the test of time, but has stood the test of time.
  • Irresistibility: When offered a Perfect Food, one cannot decline. You may try, but only with a feeling of despair, and a certain knowledge that if offered again, you will  — with great relief — accept.

There are only seven Perfect Foods in the world. People have spent their lives trying to concoct an eighth. I salute these people for their dedication to improving the human condition, yet cannot help but wonder at their folly. A Perfect Food cannot be invented or designed. Perfect Foods simply are.

I digress. Big time.

What I wanted to say was: yesterday someone left a one-pound bag of M&Ms on the “Community Property” table in the office — free to all takers. Ordinarily, this would have resulted in my finding reason after reason to wander by that table, pour a handful (O what rapturous sound, to hear a handful of M&Ms fall into one’s hand! It sounds much like applause, does it not?) and then wander back to my office, sometimes popping them into my mouth one at a time, sometimes a half-dozen at once.

The M&Ms would of course be gone before I got back to my office.

Yesterday, however, was different. I did not go to the bag. Not even once. I resisted the M&Ms. Not for ten minutes. Not for an hour.

The whole day.

I have never done this before. Ever.

I hereby declare: I now have more willpower than any human alive.

Today’s Weight: 172.6

Comments (44)

Yeah, I Guess You Could Say I Have a Little Incentive to Lose Those Extra Pounds

01.24.2007 | 1:58 pm

A Note From Fatty: It’s not too late to win The Speedy — an extremely cool jersey — from Twin Six. Leave a comment in yesterday’s post and you’re automatically entered. How easy is that?

You know, it’s been a little while since I’ve talked about the Banjo Brothers’ Big Bad Bulky Biker Bodyfat Challenge (B7) — an eight-month long challenge where everyone is betting me they can do better on their weight and fitness goals than I can. For every participant, if they do better, I’ll give them a Fat Cyclist jersey. If I do better, they’ve got to give me something that we agreed upon.

Now, I fully understand that most people who read this blog haven’t entered in on the challenge. On the other hand, a lot of you have entered it, too.

A lot more than I expected to.

So, mostly for my entertainment, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version of what I can potentially win — and potentially lose — with this challenge.

What I Could Lose
Of course, there are always a few dropouts and latecomers, but right now there are 63 people who have made a bet with me and have completed their first time trial. So, suppose I did worse than everyone else who participated in this challenge. I would need to cover the cost of purchasing and shipping 63 jerseys, including a half dozen or so overseas. So, figuring $65 per jersey including average shipping costs, I am exposed to the tune of $4095.00.

Somehow, without meaning to, I seem to have developed a serious gambling problem.

Perhaps not surprisingly, my wife is cooperating with and supporting me in this diet to an heretofore unheard-of degree.

What I Could Will Win
But let’s not dwell on what I could lose. It’s much more fun to think about what I’ll win.

Cuz, you see, I could win a lot. Specifically, I could win a lot of cool stuff. And a lot of weird stuff. And a lot of food.

Here’s what I get if I beat every single person in this contest:

  • DVDs: Season 6 of 24, my choice of a season of whatever show I want from 3 different people, The Tour Baby, Chris Carmichael Training System DVD set,
  • Bike Clothes: AZ Tri Girl jersey (you know, I think I’ll give that to my sister), bike club jerseys from 3 different people, Paris-Brest-Paris 2007 jersey, Vintage USPS team kit, UC Davis Triathlon Team jersey, , University of Kentucky jersey, Twin Six Argyle jersey and matching socks, Tour of Utah King of the Mountain jersey, signed by Neal Shirley and Bob Roll, Twin Six Deluxe jersey, a British jersey, a British Virgin Isles Mountain Bike Club jersey, Oakland Firefighters cycling team kit, a smaller Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup jersey, a replica 1981 Coors Classic Leaders Jersey, a MinusCar T-shirt, a new pair of Pearl Izumi bike shorts. What will I do with all these jerseys, you may fairly ask. I plan to cover my office walls with them, as trophies to my mighty victory.
  • Other Clothes: Smartwool Midweight solid crew t-shirt, Penn State U College of Medicine sweatshirt, allowing me to walk around like I’m a doctor or something, and two t-shirts for my wife from some fancy-schmancy local artisan. I’ll wear the Smartwool shirt, I’ll hang the sweatshirt up with the jersey trophies, and I’ll let my wife decide what she’s going to do with the t-shirts.
  • Gift Certificates to my LBS: Six people have offered me gift certificates worth a total of $410 to either my local bike shop or Performance Cycling. I think I’d rather take all my business to my LBS: Racer’s Cycle Service. 
  • Race entry fees: Next year’s entry fee to the Leadville 100, Nest year’s entry fee into the Triple Bypass. Awesome. I’ve always wanted to try the Triple Bypass.
  • Bike parts: Mary bar and grips, new tires for my SS, KurtKinetics Power Computer, and a White Bros ENO SS freewheel. (I had to look up what most of these are.)
  • ITunes Certificates: A total of four people have offered me a total of $215 toward my iTunes habit.
  • Donations to charities in my name: $50 to CureAutismNow.org, $100 to Amy Gillett Foundation, and $100 to the Tyler Hamilton Foundation. Which makes me wonder: do I get to claim the tax deduction?
  • Food: A whole fresh salmon from Pike Place Fish Market and some chocolate chip cookies (hopefully in separate packages), Two live fresh lobsters, and 15 pounds of Mesquite smoked brisket. After consuming all this, I’ll be all set to launch the 2008 challenge, since I’ll be back up to my old weight. 
  • Shot Bloks: Two people have offered up Clif Shot Bloks, for a total of $125. That’s enough shot blocks for about two seasons, I think. I wonder how well they keep?
  • Stuff I can’t even pretend to categorize: Traditional Chinese Medicine pack and some freshly baked goods, an eTrex Legend GPS, $70 to spend with a night out with my family, a framed original photo of Hinault, and my hotel bill from next year’s Fall Moab. I love the idea of being out on a ride, having someone in the group getting injured, and I whip out my Traditional Chinese Medicine pack. “Wow, that bleeding looks pretty bad. I think what you need is some emergency acupuncture.”
  • Stuff from Australia: A jersey from an out-of-the-way Australian bike shop, kangaroo steaks, vegemite, a stuffed kangaroo toy, Australian chocolate (is Australia known for its chocolate), something cool and Australian, as soon as BigMikeInOz can figure out what it is.

What We’re Trying to Do, Collectively
So, guess how much we’ve collectively set as a weight loss goal.

Nope, more than that.

We are, all told, trying to lose 1895.2 pounds. That’s this close to a ton.

So, on average, we currently weigh about 204 pounds, and we’re — on average, again — trying to lose about 30 pounds, getting down to about 174 by the beginning of August.

If you ask me, we’re pretty darned ambitious. And that’s pretty darned cool.

Just in case you’re wondering, my own goal is just a tiny bit higher than the average: my goal was to go from 179.8 to 148 — a loss of 31.8 pounds.

Biggest Goal
You want to know who’s really made a big goal, though? JamesDemien, that’s who. He’s set a weight loss goal of 80 pounds. That’s 11.4 pounds per month.

Give it up for JamesDemien, folks. That’s an audacious goal, and I hope like crazy that he beats me in this challenge.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, the smallest goal was made by IronMama, who is trying to lose twelve pounds. The only reason I let her in on the bet is because I found her name — IronMama — extremely intimidating.

So, How’re Things Going So Far?
This grew to be something much bigger than I originally planned on it being. And much, much cooler. I’m on track with my diet, and more focused on doing well than I ever have been before.

More importantly, though, I’m on track with my training. My coach, Robert Lofgran, is giving me great workouts that actually make my time on the trainer / rollers enjoyable. It really helps to have a stated purpose for each workout, instead of just see how long you can tolerate turning the cranks. I feel like I’ve got good progress toward a good base, and have grand visions of having my best cycling year ever.

In other words, anyone who beats me at the B7 challenge is going to have had to earn it.

Today’s weight: 173.2 (Which means my  B7 score is currently 21, for those of you who are keeping track)

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