01.22.2007 | 1:15 pm
A Special Note from Fatty: Today’s post is going to bounce around like a pinball machine. First, I will talk about three cool things. Then I will use a weak transition to rathole on a spurious philosophical question. I will follow up this spurious question by launching an extraordinarily cool contest. Then I will conclude by reinstating a neglected tradition of my blog. Please hang tight. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
The First Cool Thing
Back when I was asking people for Christmas gift ideas, a few of you pointed me toward Twin Six. I checked out their site, and basically fell in love with their work. These guys design the awesomest-looking jerseys anywhere.
I liked what they were doing so much, in fact, that I started hounding them relentlessly, hoping I could get them to join the Fat Cyclist Ads for Schwag program. To do so, I did all of the following:
- Begged: I wheedled and cajoled. I whined. I whinged (using a British accent for the sake of credibility). It’s possible I blubbered. I was shameless.
- Lied: I told them that there are thousands and thousands of Fat Cyclist readers, instead of admitting that after writing each lonely post to myself, I then go to work reloading the page 7,000 times per day and writing a bunch of comments to myself under dozens of pseudonyms.
- Used Jedi Mind Tricks: This was not as effective as in the movie. My disappointment was severe.
To my delight, Twin Six eventually broke down and agreed to join the Ads for Schwag program. Which means that as of right this moment, you can go to Twin Six by clicking on the shiny new ad they’ve got at the top of the sidebar area. Go check them out. You’ll see why I was willing to grovel.
The Second Cool Thing
The second cool thing has a lot to do with the first cool thing. Namely, as part of the Ads-for-Schwag program, Twin Six has sent me a jersey to give away. In fact, they sent me a size XL “Speedy.”
I’ll be honest with you: I’ve tried it on.
I’ll continue to be honest with you. Their size XL fits like a roomy size L. It fits me just fine. I want to keep it. But I’m not going to, because I have a heart of gold. Instead, I’m going to do the right thing and give it away.
I’ll have more info on how you can win it a little later in this post.
The Third Cool Thing
The third cool thing is that I, for the first time in the history of ever, did not gain weight during the weekend. My wife and I went out to eat on Friday — my “free day,” and then I went back to eating reasonably on Saturday and Sunday.
Which means that instead of spending today and tomorrow repairing the damage I did to my weight over the weekend, I can continue to move forward.
I am so pleased with my newly found self control.
How did I do this, you may ask? Simple, really.
- The B7 Challenge: I’m getting a little panicky at the thought of what would happen if I lost to everyone in this bet. So panicky, in fact, that I’m finding it increasingly difficult to rationalize lapses in my plan.
- I got some good advice: I talked with Sans Auto, who it turns out has a Masters degree in Eating Right (MER). He told me I that I already have a good grasp of what are the right things to eat, and that I should try out “Intuitive Eating” (not sure that’s the exact term). The idea behind that is to eat a reasonable portion, and then wait for fifteen minutes before considering whether to go get seconds. If you’re hungry, go get more. If you’re not hungry (which is not the same as “not full”), don’t get more. It makes perfect sense, of course, but it’s not what I normally do.
- I use the crockpot, the rice cooker, and the George Foreman Grill constantly: By having something ready to eat when I get home, I’m not snacking when I get home from work. By making big batches of food, I have leftovers for lunch. The George Foreman Grill is useful for similar reasons, but in a different way. If you plop some salmon in a marinade and leave it in the fridge while you’re at work, when you come home you can use the George Foreman Grill to have it cooked within fifteen minutes. Finally, I use the rice cooker to make lots of brown rice, which is incredibly filling, tasty, and has the carbs I love and need.
All this boils down to: I’m fixing bad habits by learning how to make good, healthy food within the lifestyle I’ve got. It’s not a diet. It’s an adjustment. And it’s working at about the right pace: two pounds per week.
The Philosophical Question
OK, so I’m wising up, foodwise. But I know myself well enough to realize that even if I hit my goal weight of 148 pounds by August, at some point I’ll let my old habits resurface, and by Thanksgiving I’ll be wearing my fat pants again.
So while I was writing my most recent post — the one where I wonder whether it would be worth it to do laser hair removal so I don’t have to shave anymore — I started thinking: “What if there were something I could do that would make it so I wouldn’t ever have to worry about diet again?”
Then, of course, people who had actually done the laser hair removal thing weighed in, and I realized that the cost in time, pain, and money was just too much for me. Which brings up the question:
“What would I be willing to endure to stay at my ideal weight without dieting?”
It’s an intriguing question.
Here’s what I would be willing to do:
- I would take a daily pill
- I would take a daily injection
- I would have outpatient surgery
- I would eat a shoe (not daily)
- I would endure a painful — but not debilitating — electric shock, daily
- I would pay $100 / month
Here’s what I would not be willing to do:
- I would not have major surgery
- I would not eat something that tastes as nasty as okra or brussel sprouts
- I would not take a 5x/daily pill
- I would not take a 3x/daily injection
- I would not do anything that made it obvious to casual onlookers that I was cheating to lose weight (e.g., if this magic pill made me turn pale green, I would not do it)
- I would not be OK with side effects that leave me headachy, nauseous, or otherwise yucky-feeling
The Contest
So, to win the very cool Twin Six Speedy jersey (back of jersey shown here), tell me:
What would you be willing to endure to stay at your ideal weight without dieting? What wouldn’t you endure?
As always, in order to keep me from having to actually judge which comment is the winner, I’ll choose a quasi-random comment. What do I mean “quasi-random?” I mean that I choose comments randomly, but if I think the comment is not remotely interesting, I quietly reject it (i.e., I don’t send you an email saying, “Hey, your comment was stupid! So you didn’t win a jersey! Ha! Ha! Hahahaha!”) and pick a different random comment. So be interesting.
I’ll choose a winner this Saturday.
Today’s Weight
Back when I started the Fat Cyclist blog, I included my current weight every time I posted. It was a great way to hold myself accountable. A while back, I stopped, ostensibly because I had reached my goal, but in reality because I didn’t want anyone to see the startling speed at which my weight can rise.
Well, it’s time to start holding my feet to the fire again.
So, today’s weight: 174.2
Comments (102)
01.18.2007 | 10:37 am
Note from Fatty: It’s not too late for you to help my son with his science project, thereby entering yourself in a lottery for fabulous prizes! Click here to find out how.
My legs are hairy again. This is not the result of a conscious decision to become a soul rider. This is not a practical result brought on by my inability — due to my winter gut — to reach the bottom of my legs.
It’s just laziness. It’s been more than ten days since the outside temperature has risen above freezing — not exactly shorts-wearing weather. What’s the point of shaving?
I know, of course, that once the weather turns decent again, I’m going to want the smooth legs of a cyclist.
Which means I’m going to need to buy a pair of sheep shears. Or maybe I could just use the weed whacker.
Then, once I’ve hacked down the fur, I’ll have the fun maintenance chore of shaving every other day. I should shave every day — I generate stubble that is more abrasive than Russian toilet paper (popular joke in Finland: Q. What’s the difference between Russian toilet paper and sandpaper? A. Sandpaper is that rough on only one side!) — but that’s just too much work.
So it should be no surprise that, as I was driving to work (yes, driving — no way am I bike commuting 20 miles in these temperatures) and saw a sign advertising laser hair removal, that a little light went on.
What if I never had to shave again? What if I got all my leg hair removed permanently?
Nightmare Scenario
The thing is, every ad I’ve ever seen for laser hair removal features a woman’s legs. Timid soul that I am, I have thus far been reluctant to call one of those places and start investigating this idea, because I imagine the conversation might go like this:
Me: Hi, I’m interested in learning more about laser hair removal.
Them: Oh, are you calling on behalf of your wife? That’s a very thoughtful gift.
Me: No. This is for me.
Them: Oh, I see. You must be interested in having the hair removed from your back. Many gross middle age men like to do that, thinking that somehow they will look less disgusting if they don’t have hairy backs.
Me: Um, actually, it’s for my legs.
Them: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. Earlier I mentioned you having a wife; I didn’t realize then that you are a transvestite. I apologize.
Me: Wh? I’m not a transvestite!
Them: Oh, we don’t judge people like you, sir — I mean ma’am. I mean, what would you like me to call you?
Me: Look, I just want to permanently remove the hair from my legs because I’m a cyclist. Cyclists don’t like hairy legs.
Them: Rrrright. So, “Mr.-or-Ms. Cyclist,” would you also like information on how we can permanently remove your beard stubble?
Me: *Click*.
You see why I’m afraid to call?
10 Questions
So, presuming I manage to drag up the courage, here are the things I would like to find out about laser hair removal for cyclists:
- Am I alone in this? So, is this something a lot of male cyclists do, or am I the first one to consider lasering away my leg hair?
- How high should I go? In your professional opinion, should I laser away just to my shorts line, or all the way up to my hips?
- Should I go even higher than that? Hey, as long as I’m on the table, could you cut me a deal on getting rid of that back hair?
- How much will this cost, anyway? How do you charge? Is it per square inch? Per hair? Is there an additional charge if you promise that you’ll never tell anyone about this conversation?
- How much will this hurt? Would you compare this to being snapped with a rubber band ten thousand times, to a road rash incurred at 40mph, or somewhere in between?
- How long will this take? How long does it take to laserify the big ol’ hairy legs of a middle aged man? How much extra time if you throw in the back? How much extra if you use the laser to laser-remove hair on one of my arms in the form of the message, “I Believe Tyler”?
- How many times am I going to need to do this? My hair is thick, dark, and highly resistant to poison, acid, and intense radiation. I assume that most of it will come back after the first time you laser me. So how often will I need to come back before I can throw away the Mach III forever?
- Does any hair grow back at all? Once you’re done, will I still grow some leg hair? How much? Will I still have to shave every day? Cuz that would suck.
- What if this doesn’t work and I’m horribly disfigured? Suppose the laser bores a 1.5″-diameter hole clean through my leg? Will you give me a full refund, or just store credit?
- Are there any really, really freaky side effects? I worry that if my legs can no longer grow hair, that all that hair that would otherwise come out of my legs will just build up inside of me, until I explode, making a hairy, embarrassing mess all over the place. Or maybe all the energy my body would have otherwise expended on growing hair will instead turn into fat. Or what if instead of lots of little hairs growing nice and slow, I started growing one really thick hair, really fast? Can you guarantee that wouldn’t happen?
Did I miss any important questions? Please feel free to ask them, and I’ll include any I find interesting when I call.
You’ve got to admit, though, it’d be kinda cool to not have to shave anymore.
Comments (57)
01.16.2007 | 7:04 am
You know, a couple days ago I upgraded my Internet hosting package — for the second time. Which means buying server space for this blog is now costing me about $40 per month. Which, I can promise you, is more than I am making from those Google ads nobody seems to want to click.
I should also point out that when negotiating ads for my blog, instead of asking for money to run on my blogs, I instead asked for schwag I could give to my readers.
And, of course, there’s all the time I put into this blog. The writing. The fretting about writing. The taking of abusive comments about my writing.
I give, and I give, and I give. And do I ask for anything in return?
Well, yes. Now that I’ve got you thoroughly guilted-up, I am asking you for something in return.
I’m asking you to volunteer to participate in my son’s science project on the effects of caffeine on heart rate.
First, Let Me Engage Your Self-Interest
Since I’m fully aware that most of you are guilt-proof, let me point out that by participating in this contest, you’ll automatically be entered in a random drawing to win one of three very cool prizes:
- A Fat Cyclist Jersey: any size (when available) ($60 value)
- Microsoft Wireless Laser Desktop 6000 ($100 value)
- Handmade Bike Chain bracelet (either men’s or women’s style, any size), designed by Susan Nelson ($75 value)
Not bad, eh?
What The Science Project is About
The thing is, you’ll probably find that this experiment very interesting. You will probably, in fact, be as interested in the results as my son is. His question is, how much does a couple cans of caffeinated soda affect your heart rate?
A lot? A little? None at all?
(Special Note to biochemists and armchair know-it-alls: please keep your “I already know the answer to this” wisdom to yourselves. Thanks.)
Participating is easy. All you need to do is get to your resting heart rate, drink a couple cans of caffeinated diet soda, and then check your heart rate every fifteen minutes for an hour.
So just think. You’ll get to sit on a couch and watch a movie completely guilt-free, knowing that you’re helping a very smart kid do great on his science project.
Plus, you’ll be earning valuable Fat Cyclist brownie points (not redeemable for actual brownies; sorry).
Plus you might win some very cool stuff.
You can get all the details at my son’s science project website: click here.
Time is of the Essence
My son needs to start collecting and analyzing data right away. So, please don’t put this off. Be a guinnea pig this very evening. Or tomorrow, if you must. But by all means, please finish it by Saturday, no matter what — that’s the last day he can accept data.
Cancel other appointments if you must.
You owe me. You know you do. Help with this, and I’ll call it even.
Comments (51)
01.15.2007 | 10:29 am
When I woke up this morning, it was -1 (Fahrenheit) outside. That’s -18.3 Celsius for all you metric-minded folk. Regardless of how you gauge temperature, that’s cold.
When it’s cold like this, riding outside is out of the question. It’s rollers, the trainer, or nothing. The thing is, though, after a while you get tired of movies. You get tired of music. You want to ride with your friends. You want to race.
And that’s why I’ve invented — in my mind, anyway — the most awesome video game for cyclists ever.
I call it “Bicycle Race(tm).”
Here’s how it works.
The Concept
In Bicycle Race (BR for short), you ride your actual bicycle, either on a trainer or on rollers. You compete against other cyclists — either computerized racers based on historical cycling champions, or other real riders in online mode — as you race several kinds of events.
Equipment
Instead of using a handheld controller like most video games, BR comes with a wireless cadence sensor and a wireless speed sensor, which relay info to your gaming console (I’m thinking Xbox, cuz it’s got a good established gaming network established). You then ride either your rollers or trainer to play the game. Easy!
Game Modes
Without even trying hard, I can think of a number of great playing modes for BR. For example:
- Drag Race: You and as many online friends as you would like race over whatever distance you would like. First one across the finish line wins.
- Velodrome: Race against others in a virtual velodrome. If you touch wheels, you “virtually” crash, getting to see what the velodrome pileup looks like, without the inconvenience of the actual carnage. If you’re riding a non-fixed-gear in the Velodrome game, your cadence will be monitored: you coast, you crash.
- Team Time Trial: See how good you are at working together as you and your teammates (either computerized or real players online) race against other teams (also either computerized or actual online teams). Careful of touching virtual wheels! Best time wins.
- Race the Legends: Of course, you don’t actually have a chance of racing with the legends, but what if Lance Armstrong were forced to carry an extra 150 pounds? Could you beat him then? Choose your handicap, and then see if you can hang.
- Race Yourself: Last week, you did your favorite TT course in 19:15. How fast can you do it today? Race your “ghost” and improve your best time.
- series: Get together a group of guys, call yourselves a league and have a whole series of races, keeping cumulative score of who’s on top.
The possibilities are close to endless.
I Know, I Know
Yeah, I know that there are trainers out there that let you race against the computer. But those things are expensive. As in thousands of dollars. I, on the other hand, am talking about something that plugs into your Xbox, attaches to your bike, and uses the trainer or rollers you’ve already got. I’m talking about something that costs $150, tops.
It’s not like the technology for this kind of game isn’t out there. My kids play Dance Dance Revolution online — jumping around spastically (I had no “good dancer” genes to pass on to my kids, alas) on the dance pad controller, competing against other kids all over the US (and elsewhere, for all I know)
BR will be a huge hit. I’m confident of it. Now, I’d appreciate it if you’d loan me a couple million dollars to develop it. Thanks!
Comments (25)
01.11.2007 | 9:57 am
My wife and I have had a crockpot since the day we were married. In fact, I think we might have been given a couple of them as wedding gifts. The only way we’ve used that crockpot, though, is to make my twice-cooked chili (chili’s best if you cook it once, let it set overnight, and then heat it back up — the flavors have time to blend and settle).
In the past week, that’s all changed.
For I have discovered the miracle that is the crockpot.
As you probably know, I’ve gained all the weight I lost over the summer back, and maybe a wee bit more (so I guess not everything about middle age is wonderful). But while I’m serious about losing the weight I need to have a great racing season, I don’t want to do it by eating nothing but celery.
So, last Monday morning, while puzzling over how to eat right without being miserable, I thought about the crockpot. In the mood to experiment, I got out a half-dozen chicken breasts (uncooked) and put them in the crockpot, dumped in a jar of salsa (mild, because if it worked I wanted my wife to like it too), added a little chicken broth, chopped in an onion and a couple green peppers, and turned the crockpot on to low.
Then I went to work.
When I got home, I found that my wife had had the idea of getting out our rice cooker (I’m a big fan of the Zojirushi) and making a batch of brown rice to go with the experiment.
The chicken shredded on contact, making a gumbo that went over the rice nicely. On top of this I added a little fat-free sour cream (how is this possible?) and a dozen shakes of tobasco (for my bowl only).
It was delicious. I mean, really, really delicious. And as far as I can tell, we were being seriously calorie and fat conscious too.
Another Experiment
So I tried another crockpot experiment. This time, I poured ready-made spaghetti sauce over the chicken breasts in the crockpot, chopped in an onion, and threw in a can of sliced olives.
Then we let it cook for eight hours.
Again, delicious (though if I were stack ranking, the salsa-chicken was better).
Emboldened
So I now have this theory that you can throw chicken and pretty much any kind of liquid you like into a crockpot, add an onion and the vegetables you like, leave it alone for the day (or overnight), make some brown rice to go with it (seriously, get a rice cooker to make brown rice; it’s so much easier), and it will come out perfect.
Tonight, we’re grilling teriyaki salmon, but tomorrow I’ve got this notion that I can do a good sloppy-joe-style barbecue chicken in the crockpot: chicken, tomato sauce, chopped tomatoes, onion, olives, celery, green peppers, liquid smoke, a little bit of honey.
I tell you what: the crockpot may be the best cooking tool a cyclist could ever imagine.
Next up? I’m trying to figure out how I could do a good low/no-fat chicken curry. Or some kind of teriyaki chicken.
Has anyone else discovered the magic of crockpottery? What do you make? (Easy, low-fat recipes only, natch.)
Comments (74)
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