Endurance Dessert-Making

11.22.2006 | 11:48 am

I don’t know how to cook many things. If, for example, you were to ask me to make Chicken Cordon Bleu, I wouldn’t know what ingredients to buy. I wouldn’t even know which part of the chicken to use.

That said, I am famous for making the few things I know how to make extremely well. Better than anyone else in the whole world, in fact.

Here are the things I am the very best in the world at making:

1. Mashed potatoes. Yes, I know a lot of you also think you make the best mashed potatoes in the world. Which might be true if I didn’t have an actual certificate stating that I make the best mashed potatoes in the world.
2. The best cake in the world: Actually, I’m no better at making this than anyone else. This cake is superlative in its own right.
3. Chili: I have an honest-to-goodness, bona-fide secret ingredient I use in my chili. Nobody has ever identified it, but everyone agrees that my chili is better than everyone else’s. Oh, also I sometimes make fry bread to go with the chili. I have received several marriage proposals based solely on my fry bread and chili.
4. Hamburgers: There is nothing secret or fancy about the way I make hamburgers. I just use top-quality beef, add more worcestershire sauce than most people think you should (hint: you’ve used enough when it actually changes the color of the burger), knead, and grill over charcoal. The reason my burgers are the best in the world, evidently, is because I am apparently the last person in the world to grill with charcoal. I’ll tell you what, though: when gas-grillers eat my burgers, they see (however briefly) the error of their ways.
5. Kitchen Sink Quiche: I call it “Kitchen Sink Quiche” because I put so much stuff into it, there’s hardly any room for the eggs: cheese, peppers, bacon, grilled chicken, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, avocado, and anything else that strikes my fancy in the produce aisle. And yes, I’ve heard the “real men don’t eat quiche” line. To which I respond, “By all means, feel free to not to have any.” But everyone tries a bite, and then they apologize. Kitchen Sink Quiche is best with Cholula hot sauce.
6. Banana Cream Parfait: This is the most difficult thing I make, and it’s the subject of my post today: endurance dessert-making.

Endurance Dessert Making
I make the Banana Cream Parfait exactly twice per year: for Thanksgiving, and for Christmas. And while a good reason to make it so rarely would be because it’s fattening beyond belief, the real reason is because it’s an incredibly laborious process. Ie, it’s a pain in the butt.

But it’s so worth it.

I’m now going to share with you my recipe for making the Banana Cream Parfait, but I think it’s worth making a few observations first:

1. You will have to stand at the stove, stirring continuously, for a full hour.
2. Even after spending all this time stirring, you are not done with the dessert. In fact, you need to count on spending about two hours to make this dessert. And I don’t mean two hours 90 minutes of which you’re letting something bake in the oven. I mean two hours of constant work.
3. Because this is so much work to make, the recipe is big. Big enough to make some for yourself, for your family, and for your neighbors.
4. Once you have made this for your friends and family, be prepared for them to demand you make it again. You will then need to — as I have — declare that it is an annual tradition, and that you will make it for them again next year.
5. I expect that I have now frightened most of you away from making this dessert. That’s OK.
6. Don’t you dare make substitutions to this recipe. When I say “whole milk,” I mean it. When I say “Butter,” I mean it. And if you think you can just substitute pudding from a mix for the cream filling, you and I no longer have anything to talk about, and I never want to see your face again.

I feel quite strongly about my Banana Cream Parfait.

Let’s begin.

Ingredients
2.5 cup sugar
1 cup cornstarch
2 teaspoons salt
3 quarts whole milk
16 egg yolks, beaten
8 Tablespoons butter
1/3 cup vanilla

12 bananas
1 quart whipping cream
2 boxes Nilla Wafers

The Long, Arduous Process
First of all, you need to plan on spending an hour up front making the filling, and then another hour 2-3 hours later actually assembling the parfait. And then the parfait is not going to be ready to eat for another 3 hours. And it’s going to be at its best about 24 hours after you make it. So plan ahead.

Let’s start with the filling.

In a big ol’ saucepan — I use my pressure cooker pan — mix your sugar, cornstarch, and salt together. Slowly stir in the first few cups of milk, until you’re certain there are no lumps of cornstarch. You can then pour in the rest of the milk, stirring as you go.

Now, get ready to stand for a while, because you need to stir this mixture continuously over medium heat until it comes to a boil. And that’s going to be about 15-20 minutes. Or more. During this time, here’s what you should not do:

1. Stop stirring for a minute, because what could go wrong? Here’s what could go wrong: the bottom of the pan will get scalded milk all over it, and you’ll wind up with gross chewy burned flecks of milk in your parfait.
2. Turn up the heat, to speed up the process. If you go above medium heat, your mixture will indeed boil sooner. And the result will be a nice sweet, grainy, thin gruel that never sets up, instead of the smoothest, most perfect cream filling that has ever been created. This is an endurance race, Bub. If you try to treat it like a sprint, you’ll be sorry.

Once the mixture has thickened and come to a boil, keep stirring for another minute, then remove from the heat and keep stirring another minute longer (even though it’s off the heat, the milk can still stick to the bottom of the pan).

OK, time to add the egg yolks. If at all possible, have a second person available to help you with this part, because this is tricky.

Your egg yolks should be in a mixing bowl big enough to hold at least half the milk mixture. S-l-o-w-l-y pour a little of the milk mixture into the beaten egg yolks, while briskly whipping those egg yolks. The idea here is to do this slowly and a little bit at a time, so you don’t wind up cooking those egg yolks all at once. ‘Cuz really, who wants scrambled eggs in their cream filling?

Once you’ve slowly stirred in a couple cups of the milk mixture, you can speed up just a bit. Keep pouring the milk mixture into the egg mixture (stirring the whole time) until you’ve mixed half of it in.

And now, you’ve got to reverse the flow. Slowly pour the egg mixture back into the milk mixture in the saucepan. It should now be a lovely yellow color.

And hey, guess what! You’re finished!

Just kidding. You’re not even close.

Put the saucepan back on medium heat, and keep stirring, ’til it comes to a boil again. And yes, it’s going to be another 15 minutes or so. Once you’ve got a boil, stir for another minute, and then take the saucepan off the heat.

Now you’re ready to add the butter and vanilla. Toss them in (but not from a great height, because you might discover that boiling hot pudding splashed on your face, well, stings. Not that I’d personally know anything about that).

Stir the butter and vanilla in until the butter is melted and both are blended in.

Dip a spoon in so you can taste what you’ve made. Blow on the filling until you feel a little bit ridiculous, then blow on it some more, because you would be amazed at how hot this stuff is, and how much heat it retains.

When you do finally taste it, your eyes should roll back into your head and you should involuntarily let out a low moan. If you don’t, you didn’t make it right.

Now let this filling cool down for a couple hours.

Layer Upon Layer
Once the cream filling has cooled down enough that you can sneak a spoonful without burning your mouth at all, you’re ready to start assembling the parfait.

There’ll be a skin on the filling by now. Peel it off and eat it. It’s delicious.

Whip the whipping cream to nice soft peaks. I find that adding a little sugar makes the whipped cream hold its shape a little better.

Now, in as many large, deep bowls as it takes, do the following:

1. Spread a layer of filling.
2. Put down a layer of Nilla Wafers.
3. Spread a layer of whipped cream.
4. Put down a layer of banana slices.
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until the bowl is full. The last layer should always be whipped cream. And be sure the last layer is not bananas, because they’ll look all brown and gross if they’re exposed to the air for long.

You may wonder if the order of the layers is important. It is. I’ve thought it through. Don’t mess with it.

Before Serving
You should refrigerate this dessert for at least a couple hours before serving it; it’d definitely best cold.

And — if you can manage to wait — this is one dessert that actually gets better as it sits in the fridge with the flavors blending. It’s at its very best 24 hours after you finish making it.

And, finally, prepare yourself for some rather embarassing displays of affection. The Banana Cream Parfait tends to bring that sort of behavior out.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Comments (31)

50 Gift Ideas for Cyclists

11.20.2006 | 2:32 pm

Last year, I made the case that if you want to get your favorite cyclist a present, you should forget being creative and buy her/him the stuff s/he’s always having to buy anyway.

I still think that’s a good idea. I don’t think you can go wrong with buying a cyclist any of the following:

1. Tubes: Find out what kind of tubes the cyclist uses, and buy a bunch of them. It’s really nice to have a stash of tubes sitting in the garage whenever you need one. This isn’t all that great of an idea if your cyclist friend has switched to tubeless.
2. Genuine Innovations’ Microflate: An inexpensive, sturdy, tiny, easy-to-use threaded CO₂ (or propane, as it turns out) cartridge valve. I really don’t understand why anyone would use anything else.
3. CO₂ and Big Air! canisters: Make sure that the canisters you buy are compatible with the valve your friend uses.
4. Sports food / Sports Drink / Gel: If you know what they eat, drink, or ingest (I have to say “ingest” when talking about gels, because neither “eat” nor “drink” is the correct word), buy them a bunch of it. Be careful you know the correct brand and flavors, though. As an innovative twist on this theme, maybe try giving them some Matisse & Jacks Bake-at-Home Energy Bar Mix. They work as well as store-bought bars, are easy to make, and taste an order of magnitude better. For now, you get free shipping if you buy five or more boxes, which seems like a good number to give as a gift.
5. Helmet: This is something many cyclists replace too rarely. Be sure to get the right size.
6. Messenger Bag: Everyone needs a messenger bag. My good friends at Banjo Brothers make great ones for an excellent price
7. Entry fee and commitment for support at a race: If your cyclist races, this is a very nice gift indeed
8. Smartwool Socks: Several pair of the same kind, so that as the cyclist wears them out, they’ve still got matching socks.
9. Lube: Be sure to get the kind your cyclist has settled on. It’s nice to have a year’s supply of lube sitting in the garage, just like it’s nice to have a year’s supply of tubes in there.
10. Shoe cleats: Do you know what kind of pedals your cyclist uses? Buy a new pair of cleats for those shoes. Most cyclists go through a couple pair of these per year, so they’re nice to have.
11. A Floor Pump: When getting started with cycling, most cyclists pick out a cheap floor pump. Then they regret it. But while those cheap floor pumps never quite break — allowing cyclists to discard them in good conscience — they never really work great, either. Go to your local bike store and ask the mechanic what pump they recommend for someone who uses a pump every day (road cyclists in particular pump their tires up before practically every ride), and you’ll give a surprising, exciting gift. I am not kidding. Cyclists love a great floor pump.

Gifts for the Whole Family
Generally, biking gifts benefit just one person. But they don’t have to be that way. How about:

12. A Tandem: Show the rest of your family what’s so great about biking (one at a time, anyway). A tandem will be my next bike purchase, so I can take my boys out riding with me.
13. A Trailer: Got little kids? I guarantee they will like being pulled in a trailer. And nothing in the world succeeds in calming an angry toddler like a ride in the trailer. Burley is a good brand.

Reader Suggestions
Last week, I asked you for your suggestions, as part of the Vicious Cycles Jersey contest. More than 70 of you replied, which makes me think that you guys liked that jersey as much as I do. Of course, if you want to read the full list of comments, just click here. Realizing, however, that most of you will be reading today’s entry to get ideas for what to buy for your cycling friends, I’ve condensed the list into items I think would be a good gift for any cyclist.

14. Phil riding in New Zealand: My recently found discovery are the snappy cycling t-shirts on www.twinsix.com. Men’s and women’s! Brilliant stuff. (Note from Fatty: I think “The Deluxe” is a beautiful jersey. I would love one for my birthday (since they’re not available ‘til March). Size Large.
15. Weean: It has to be some of that fine Cinelli cork ribbon. They’re pleasingly retro whilst remaining sufficiently tech for the geek within. And there’s so many colours to choose from!
16. theLurker: What I really want is permission from the TOH to take off on a cycle tour.
17. vertigo: I want a donation to Worldbike (www.xaccess.org)…in my name of course so that I can reap the tax benefits.
18. Born4Lycra: I’d like a tool kit. Not a basic one to carry around on rides for emergency or perform regular basic maintenance. I want one of those kits full of tools you might use once or twice a year. The ones you can never quite justify going out to buy because you will hardly, if ever use it and there is always something more boring but necessary to spend your readies on. The same can be said for one of those bike mechanic stands. Yep a serious bike tool kit would be a great surprise. The next problem would then be knowing how and when to use them, but first things first.
19. Tim D: Brookes Team Pro leather saddle. I have two of these, one on the tandem and one on my On-One Pompino. I’ve had one for 14 years and one for 10. They are shaped to me (or possibly I have been shaped to them) and are the most comfy saddles I have. I have done thousands of miles on these saddles and will doubtless get thousands more. I would want someone to break it in for me first though.
20. Eufemiano Fuentes: Oury Mountain Grips. Old school cush. Great on a rigid bike. Come lock on or traditional. In many colors to match your outfit that day or just go with cash Black.
21. sans auto: Right now, the best thing I have is my Bike Planet lights (http://www.planetbike.com/). The rear has 7 LEDs and runs on 2 AAA batteries. I’ve only had to replace the batteries once in the last three months of commuting. This light recently broke off my bike when I hit the biggest pothole in UT county, but with a quick email to the Co., they’re sending replacement parts. Actually, the light still works, but it is now held on by duct tape. The same day my rear light broke off, but still worked, my headlight died for no particular reason (Thus I hit a huge pothole). I replaced it with Bike Planet 5 LED that is brighter than the other two lights that have died on me in the last two months. As an extra bonus 25% of all the companies profits go to bike advocacy.
22. Brian C: Swobo wool hat. Keeps my giant head very warm.
23. dkirkavitch: I love my Smartwool zip T wool jersey. I’m wearing it right now after my commute to work. Warm, not sweaty, no smell. I commute 20 miles every day. I usually wash it once a week and no one is the wiser. With polyester, I’d kill off everything in my wake. Now, if only they made them with the pockets in back….
24. Brett D: The best Christmas biking gift is a good set of shorts/bibs (depending on preference). The most important connection between you and your bike seems to always be neglected with tattered seams, sewn up rips, and chamois that is far past it’s prime anymore. All I want for Christmas is a set of 10 panel Pearl Izumi’s to replace my ragged, road-rashed shorts.
25. Rick Sunderlage (not his real name): A great stocking stuffer would be a packet of “hall passes.” If you have to ask what a hall pass is, I don’t like you. And for those of you who have not discovered the joy of night riding (MTB), the NiteRider Flight light set up is not a bad gift.
26. Roberto: I love my Selle Italia Novus Ferrari saddle. For the first time bought in 1996, I rode about 10 years or 40000 kilometers on it.
27. RevBudGreen: I really like the SpaceMan Flask Holster: http://www.ahearnecycles.com/flask.htm.
28. Ben: I love my Garmin 305 and all the ridiculous amounts of data that can be obtained from it and pored over for hours. All electrical toys are good but the ones where you can dump the data onto your computer rule. (Note from Fatty: I love the Garmin 305, too)
29. Chris H: A bicycle work stand is the perfect Xmas present. Buying a work stand for yourself is very difficult. You can always get by without one, and buying one is admitting that you are growing too old to bend over and work on your bike while it is on the floor. However having one makes it a delight to keep all your bikes in perfect working order. A Park PCS-10 would do nicely.
30. Al Maviva: The Fi Zik Arione is the bestestest saddle ever. Lesser saddles pale next to its… Fi Zik-ness. It’s really, really, really good. Until you’ve done a bunch of 100-140 mile rides, you just don’t appreciate how good this saddle is. It just disappears under you. As for gifts – knee warmers. Skull caps. Headbands. Chamois cream. A date with one of the girls who models for the Colorado Cyclist catalog.
31. Andrew: A renewal of a NORBA, USA Cycling racing license, or IMBA membership (or new license or membership). That way whoever is getting you the membership can feel like their money is going towards an organization which helps cyclists. Additionally if the cyclists likes to race they won’t have to shell out their own cash to race. Another idea is if your cyclist is a racer, see if there are any pictures floating around from races or epic rides they’ve done. Order the prints, get Kenny to snaz them up, and get them framed.
32. Mike: At the moment I’m loving my new Parentini long sleeve cycling top. I bought it very cheaply on ebay and it is probably the best top I’ve ever had. Very warm and comfortable.
33. DeeperSouth: I felt a twinge of embarrassment when I bought it, and to be honest, I still feel like a bit of a dork when I wear it, particularly on mountain bike rides, but I love my Assos intermediateEvo jersey, which looks just like this: http://www.assos.com/en/mens/detail.aspx?article=39&color=6, even though I don’t. Yes, I know, I know. But it has a wind blocking panel that wicks sweat brilliantly – no other “breathable” windproof membrane in my cupboard works as well. It copes with a wide range of temperatures, it fits perfectly, it has clever reflective aluminium foil looking stuff woven in to blind oncoming cars, and it has useful zippered pocket. (Note from Fatty: Hah! Someone who admits to wearing Assos!)
34. JET(not a nickname): A jar of chamois cream. I hardly ever use the stuff, but it is nice when you get some unexpected rubs during a 70+mile/day.
35. Lisa B: My SmartWool beanie. Warm head=warm body, keeps the sweat out of my eyes (not that girls sweat, of course), fits under my helmet, and doesn’t get nasty stenchy like the pads in my helmet. And I got it at Sierra Trading Post – cheap! Everyone should have one.
36. Desert Rat: I love these shirts: http://evomo.com/. Especially the “Hurl” and The “Blood Donor” designs. Great stuff for giving and receiving!
37. GregP: My Patagonia O2 Velocity shell – very light, very packable, always makes me feel warm & cozy when donned at the coldest part of every winter MTB ride: the end of the sweaty climb & beginning of the windy downhill.
38. MTB W: A trainer is a primo gift, particularly for the winter.
39. Walter: Craft Pro Cool Mesh baselayer — I was a big skeptic, but someone on my PMC team convinced me to try it, and now I’m a convert: kept me comfy and cool despite heat and humidity all summer long. Doesn’t pill (or feel like it’s going to pill) like the older Craft Pro stuff.
40. listless Crab: For a stocking stuffer… There is simply no better DVD than ‘Hell on Wheels.’
41. FliesOnly: A truing stand. Not some high tech, professional grade model, but rather a modest price stand (Minoura Pro Truing Stand @ $69.95 for example) that your average Joe can afford. Speaking from experience, I loath trying to true my wheels by spinning them while they’re still on my bike and seeing what the rim does relative to the brake pad. A nice, inexpensive (but halfway decent) truing stand would make a perfect gift for any biker.
42. Heffalump: A hitch mounted bike rack so you don’t have to spend all that time trying to adjust the rack so as to scratch the least amount of paint. (Note from Fatty: I’m very happy with the Raxter rack I bought a couple months ago.
43. Stan: The Patagonia camelback-like pack: sleek, simple and extremely functional. Add in an MSR bladder and it is water filter friendly. The hip belt pockets hold lots of Smarties or a flybox.
44. Susan: What to get for the woman cyclist in your life? An anatomic saddle, a really good sports bra, and that orange Smartwool jersey that matches the trim on my scoot.
45. dawn: Stocking stuffer – trail mix that I would not normally buy, say from the organic food store or a specialty mix only available during the holidays. I love trying new stuff, but hate when it tastes horrible and I feel like I’ve wasted my money. The same could be said for new brands of energy bars and gels.
46. Taocat: My IMBA membership – a great organization that, in spite of going global, has retained it’s grassroots feel. My bike club got a $500 grant for trailwork and took advantage of the deal on a B.O.B. trailer to haul our tools AND we got a visit from the Trail-Care Crew: very cool. My wife and I also took advantage of the Subaru at dealer cost when it was time to buy a new car.
47. Monica: I love my kevlar-lined tires. It’s great not to have to worry about swerving to avoid broken bits-o’-glass left outside the party/frat houses on the way out of Mad-town, or the junk that might be on country roads. These tires are great for confidence–sure, I can ride through that! (Note from Fatty: I’ve had great success with Specialized Armadillos. Bombproof.)
48. SYJ: I really love my REI Armwarmers. That’s right folks, turn any jerey into a long sleeved model. Perfect for those fall days when the ride starts out chilly, but warms, or when your flat warmup roads point uphill. Easily stowable in a jersey pocket, or ride with them bunched around your wrists if you wanna look P-R-O.
49. greg: A velcro chain stay protector! Cheap, tough, dampens chain slap, and protects your frame. They’re under $20 too.
50. Miguel: All I want for Christmas is two biking friends. Biking friends are the best in the world. I want a pair of guys who are motivated, driven and yet not so ascetic that they cannot have fun every now and again. These guys must be able to do the following:

• a) Ride a road bike. Well.
  b) One has to be able to climb at least as well as I do and the other needs to be a sprinter or TT-type guy. That way I can work on both while riding with them.
  c) Live near me so that we can ride together without much hassle.
  d) Need to be able to mountain bike. If they could be about the same ability as me (or a little better) that would be great. Actually, make one of them really good and the other the same ability as me. That way we can compliment Mr. X while Mr. Y and I figure out how we are going to do the things that X did without even sweating.
  e) Enjoy hanging out on the weekends, even if we are not riding.

And the Winner Is…
Congratulations to Sophia, who—shameless begging aside—still managed to be random enough to be the winner of the highly-coveted Vicious Cycles Jersey. I love that Sophia proclaims that she’s a vegetarian, but is all excited about wearing a meat-centric jersey. Here’s Sophia’s comment:

Of course there are many bike-related things that I love. I love my bike (although I’d probably love a new and improved bike even more), I love spin class, and I love my new long-sleeve jersey that makes it comfortable to bike outside as it gets colder.

Then there are those things that I’m sure I would love if I had them. I’m now seriously craving an IPOD, probably influenced by Dug and FC’s writings, and pretty much every other biker I know. I now separate music into what I would want to listen to while biking in anticipation of when I finally own one.

Shameless begging section: I’m also sure I would love that vicious cycles jersey. I like the colors, I like the cow sleeves, and I wear a small or medium. Perfect! And I’m a vegetarian, so it would be wonderfully ironic for me to be advertising meat! Please, please, please!

Sophia, email me your address and I’ll ask the Vicious Cycles guys to send the Jersey your way.

Comments (29)

7 Random Observations About Helmets

11.16.2006 | 7:38 pm

A Note from Fatty: Thanks to everyone–more than 50 of you–who participated in yesterday’s contest to win a very cool Vicious Cycles Jersey. Lots of great ideas. You can continue to add entries to that contest through 11/17/06, by the way. I’ll choose a winner over the weekend, and will post it on Monday.

This Has Never Happened Before
I recently had a completely new (at least for me) experience: I wore out a helmet. Or at least I think I wore it out: there’s a crack in the front of my trusty white Giro Atmos that I can’t account for. The helmet’s four years old, so I’m just putting this crack down to accumulated wear and tear.

So how is this new? Well, it’s the first time I’ve ever replaced a helmet before catastrophically destroying it through the medium of an epic crash. In other words, I’ve finally had a helmet die of old age.

Who would have even thought such a thing possible? Seriously. Until now, I thought there was only one way for a helmet to go, and that was with a bang.

So lately I’ve been doing some helmet shopping, during which I have thought a lot—too much, perhaps—about helmets. Here are some of my random helmet-related observations.

1. Helmets Are Not Exciting
I’m having a very difficult time getting excited about buying a helmet. This is peculiar, because I usually get excited about buying just about anything bike-related. I’ve gotten excited about buying bike shoes. I’ve gotten excited about buying a new kind of energy food. I’ve gotten excited about buying socks, for crying out loud.

So why am I blasé about getting a helmet?

I think it’s because of what the helmet represents. Every other item I buy for biking contributes to the pleasure of biking itself. The helmet, on the other hand, is an insurance policy you strap to the top of your head. No matter how many vents it has, no matter what kind of ratcheting gizmo it uses to keep it snug on your noggin, no matter what exciting racing colors it uses, it’s still a Styrofoam hat that develops a permanent stink after you use it a few times.

It’s not easy to get excited about that.

2. Helmets (or Rather, Lack Thereof) Make Me Act Schoolmarmish
In spite of their decided lack of sexiness, I’m a helmet zealot. The fact that I’ve crushed several and have never had a serious bike injury is evidence enough that they’re worth wearing. So when I see anyone without a helmet, I have to fight the urge to go tell the offender off. And if I see an adult and a child riding—neither wearing helmets—I’m likely to fail to resist that urge. At least a couple times, I’ve gone and told parents they have a responsibility to make their kids wear helmets, and a further responsibility to set a good example by wearing one themselves.

Nobody has ever thanked me for giving them this advice. And every time I have done this, I have immediately regretted it. Do I stop people in traffic if they’re not wearing seatbelts? No. Do I walk up to people who are smoking and tell them about lung cancer? No. Do I point out to strangers that listening to their iPods at maximum volume is going to cause hearing loss? No.

And yet, I have this strange, embarrassing compulsion to occasionally play the bike helmet vigilante.

Am I alone in this?

3. Genius Helmet Marketing Idea
I have an old helmet, on which I keep a helmet-mounted light. This helps me avoid having to attach the light each time I go night riding. I used the Velcro straps as well as double-sided tape to fix the light in place, and my setup works well.

Or, perhaps I should say that it works well except for when I’m using it. No helmet in the world—that I know of—is made to stay on snugly when the weight of a light (coupled with the drag of a battery cable) is added. The helmet either slides forward or backward. And then there’s the question of whether a helmet with a metal-and-glass contraption up top is going to do you any good whatsoever if you superman into a tree.

I suspect not.

So, if I were a helmet-mounted bike light manufacturer, I’d team up with a helmet manufacturer to design a bike light/helmet combo that doesn’t slide back and forth all over your head. It would be a bonus if it doesn’t require a MacGuyver-esque combination of Velcro, tape, and glue to hold the light in place.

Note to Giro and NiteRider: You can thank me for my brilliant idea by sending me a helmet/light setup as soon as you finish developing it. Size Medium.

4. Fit
I have a perfectly-formed, evenly-shaped cranium with no irregularities whatsoever, so this helmet-related observation is strictly hypothetical. But just say, for the sake of argument, that one’s head were shaped in such a way that no matter what you do, the helmet always seems to tip back so the front is high on the forehead? I assume that person would constantly be hearing from other riders who want to offer helpful advice, along the lines of, “Hey, your helmet’s tipped pretty far back there, Fatty.”

I’m assuming, here, that this person with the irregular-shaped head also has the nickname “Fatty,” just by coincidence.

So anyway, I imagine that this person with the funny-shaped head would answer, “Yeah, show me how to make my helmet fit,” and then would stand there smugly, arms crossed, while letting other riders discover to their satisfaction that the helmet is on the only way it’s going to go on.

Boy, I’ll bet that such a person—hypothetical though he may be—wishes you could get helmets that are custom molded to your skull.

So I’m sure glad that I have, as I already mentioned, a perfectly typical, symmetrical, smooth, non-lumpy skull.

5. Color
Here’s a nice, practical tip: get a dark-colored helmet only if you like the idea of your helmet doubling as a passive solar heater. Otherwise, go for a light color.

And don’t, for the love of all that’s good in the world, get a helmet with an outrageous pattern. It’s like wearing a loud tie. You may think it gives you a devil-may-care swagger, but it really just makes you look like a dope.

You know what a good color for a helmet is? White.

6. You Know, I’d Buy Locally if I Could
I have, in the past three weeks, gone to five different local bike shops. Not a single one of them had a Giro Atmos. Or a Giro Pneumo. They did, however, have lots of helmets with bright colors that scream, “I ride my bike between two and three times per year, and this one was on clearance!”

If you’re a bike shop employee, please answer this simple set of questions:

1. Do you currently have any medium-to-high-end helmets in stock?
2. Why not?
3. Do you really think that if I’m shopping for a high-end helmet, I don’t need it ‘til next week, which is when you’d get it if you special order it?

So—even though I want to support my locally-owned bike shop, I’m looking online.

7. What Helmets are Really Good For
I’ve whacked my helmet into trees, rocks, dirt, and (once) a pedal, so I’ve been convinced of their life-saving value multiple times. Many more times than that, though, I’ve been grateful to my helmet for doing something much more mundane: taking a branch for me.

I really don’t remember how many times—more than 100, I’m certain—I’ve been riding along when I suddenly see a branch right at eye level. I duck my head and immediately hear and feel a solid *thwack* of the branch hitting the shell of my helmet. It’s the sound of disaster averted.

I love that sound.

It may be, in fact, the second best sound in the world.

PS: The first-best sound, in case you were wondering, is the sound of an airborne fist-sized rock bouncing harmlessly against your downtube, instead of hitting you on the shinbone.

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Win a Vicious Cycles Jersey (Yep, the Weekly Giveaways Are Back!)

11.15.2006 | 10:12 pm

A Note from Fatty: I’m really busy right now getting the infrastructure of my new site set up, not to mention trying to write something for the blog each day. Which means that I haven’t had as much time as I’d like to participate in my own forum. So I asked BotchedExperiment to act as administrator/moderator of the forum, figuring that since he’s just working full-time, finishing his doctorate, and taking care of an infant and 4-year-old kid, he has plenty of spare time. Botched said he’d help me out, and has already done some great things with the forum. Go over and see what he’s done with the place. And be sure to pay Botched his due respect; he says he’s itching to ban someone…just to prove he can.

Fatty is Selfish
In the interest of full disclosure, I would like to confess that I almost always act out of self-interest. When, for example, I set up the Ads-for-Schwag program, I wasn’t simply thinking, “Gee, wouldn’t it be nice if I could give companies I like a cheap way to advertise to their target audience, while simultaneously giving my readers something cool for free?” Instead, I was thinking, “Gee, wouldn’t it be nice if I could convince both my readers and potential advertisers that it was to their benefit to advertise on my site, so that I could simultaneously get free stuff and make it look like my advertising space is in high demand?”

In other words, while I definitely intend to use the Ads-for-Schwag program to give companies I like a place to get the word out and to give readers cool stuff, I also plan to keep some of that cool stuff for myself.

I did not, however, expect to be so sorely tempted to keep the giveaway for myself on the first go-round.

What You Can Win
Normally, I’d talk about what the contest is before describing what you can win, but I dig this jersey so much, I want you to get a good look at it right away:

How cool are the Vicious Cycles guys for giving away this jersey? Very cool, that’s how cool. My thinking on this kind of coolness goes as follows: If a company is going to be so cool as to give away this kind of jersey, they’re cool enough that you might want to give their website a look when you’re thinking about a new frame. Or when you’re thinking about getting the most awesome paint job ever for your bike.

Here’s the thing about this jersey, though: it’s size medium. Which means that even at my lightest, it will not fit me. Which is good for you, because if it did fit me, I would be wearing it right now.

The Contest: What Do You Love?
A few days ago, I talked about something I really love: my Smartwool socks. I’m pretty confident that any cyclist would find a pair of Smartwool socks an excellent gift.

What I’d like to know is, what other bike-related stuff do you love? It’s got to be something that can be given as a gift, because I’m going to compile all the good answers into my annual “Cyclists’ Christmas Wish List,” which you can then point your friends and family toward.

And how do you enter the contest? Just leave a comment with a suggestion for what should go in the list. I’ll choose a winner—at random—from all the responses I consider good enough to go in the list.

Good luck. I’m sure you’ll win.

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News Flash! Levi Leipheimer “Totally OK” With Ivan Basso Joining Team Discovery

11.14.2006 | 12:58 pm

AUSTIN, Texas (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) - Top-tier professional road cyclist Levi Leipheimer is “totally OK” with Ivan Basso signing with Team Discovery, according to a company spokesperson.

“Levi is very excited about this development,” said Johan Bruyneel, team director. “This is, after all, the team where Levi really launched his professional career as a domestique for Lance Armstrong. So of course it’s a very exciting prospect for him to return, years later, now as one of the top cyclists in the world and as a bona fide Grand Tour contender and team leader…and do exactly the same thing he did last time he was on this team.”

“Oh, except now he’ll be working for a different guy,” clarified the directeur sportif. “So that’s new, anyway. And, um, very exciting for Levi.”

Asked to comment, Levi Leipheimer verified that he is, in fact, eager to move from de facto team leader to super domestique before he ever raced for Team Discovery. “Ivan Basso’s a huge talent, you know, and I’m very happy to have him on the team,” said Leipheimer. “I can hardly wait to fetch water bottles for him as he tries to get a double grand tour win.”

“After all,” continued the 34-year-old Leipheimer, “I’m still really in the early part of my career. I’ve got another three, maybe four years left in me. Why wouldn’t I be excited to put my own goals on hold in order to facilitate securing Basso a couple big wins? I mean, a Basso really inspires me to work hard; I’m extra enthused to race for someone who may or may not have been doping, but refuses to take the steps that would clear his name. If he’s innocent.”

Leipheimer paused for a moment, then continued: “Which, I’m sure, he is.”

Not Considering a Different Team
Asked whether he is considering leaving Team Discovery in order to go to a team that will make him the team leader he perhaps deserves to be, Leipheimer was quick to respond. “Yeah, you know what would happen if I did that? I’ll tell you what would happen. Say I went to team CSC. I’ll bet you anything that fifteen minutes later they’d hire Ullrich. And then they’d hire Landis, who I’m sure would magically be cleared all of a sudden.”

“And Hamilton,” finished Leipheimer. “They’d probably hire him, too.”

New Perks
Team Discovery, aware of the possibility–no matter how trivial–that Leipheimer might experience some frustration at being replaced as the team’s main GC racer before doing a single grand tour, has prepared a special set of incentives for the racer.

“We haven’t forgotten Levi,” said the Discovery spokesperson. In exchange for the hard work he’ll be doing on behalf of Ivan Basso, we’re going to give him a number of very nice prizes. For example, we are giving him a signed 8 x 10 photograph of Lance Armstrong, which would sell for $80 or more on eBay. We’re letting him pick out any bike from the Trek catalog he’d like for his own use, and we’re giving it to him at cost. That represents significant savings!”

“I should clarify, perhaps,” continued the spokesperson, “that this offer does not extend to the Lemond bike line.”

“Perhaps the most exciting perk, however,” said the spokesperson, “is that Levi will get to share a hotel room with Ivan Basso when they’re racing! Just think what valuable advice Levi will be able to collect from Ivan during their ‘together time.’”

Concluded the spokesperson: “Levi must consider himself very fortunate indeed.”

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