Note From Fatty: This fake news piece is also running in CyclingNews today. By the way of totally kissing CyclingNews’ collective butt, let me recommend CyclingNews for all your non-fake TdF reading as well. Thank you.

 

Paris, July 14 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Following a closed-doors meeting with Tour de France Officials, Team Gerolsteiner held a press conference today, wherein team Leader—and former GC contender—Levi Leipheimer made the following announcement:

“Based on the fact that until yesterday everyone—especially me—has been having a totally sucky tour, I have requested that we call “Mulligan” on this year’s Tour de France to this point, start over with the prologue tomorrow, and try to get it right this time.”

“I hold in my hand an Official Do-Over Petition, which has been signed by a clear and wide majority of riders, race directors, journalists, and cycling fans.”

“Let’s just say that everything up until stage 11 (where Leipheimer took second after a long, brutal day in the mountain) was kind of like a dress rehearsal. I mean, you can see that our hearts just weren’t in it for the first week. Let’s take it from the top and do it for real this time.”

 

Christian Prudhomme Reacts

Tour de France Prudhomme, also on hand for the press conference, noted that there is indeed a Mulligan clause in the Tour de France rules. Says Prudhomme, “It’s an obscure rule, but Article 7.9.867-5309 does clearly indicate that ‘In the event that a majority of race contenders are ejected from the Tour before the beginning of the race, and in the further event that the people left in the race tend to lurch around haphazardly from stage to stage as if they were drug addicts who had suddenly gone cold turkey, and in the final event that by the time the second half of the race begins only a single serious contender remains in actual race contention, the metaphorical reset button shall be pushed and the Tour shall commence again.’”

“Well,” concluded Prudhomme. “I think this year’s Tour pretty much satisfies those conditions.”

 

Racers React

George Hincapie, mistakenly treated as Discovery team leader for the first 11 stages of this year’s Tour, had this to say: “Can we all please just accept that the climbing stage I won last year was just a fluke, and that the yellow jersey I wore last week just goes to show what a freaky Tour this has been? If we could start over and all get behind Popovych or Savoldelli, maybe we could get someone on the podium.

So yeah, I guess I’d be OK with starting the Tour over.”

Hincapie then hesitated for a moment and said, “But can I still keep that yellow jersey?”

Iban Mayo, who completely self-destructed without warning or reason as soon as the roads turned uphill this year, concurs. “Yes, a do-over would be an excellent idea,” the Euskaltel-Euskadi rider said. “If given another chance, I will ride with honor and will win stage after stage.”

“Or, I suppose,” finished Mayo, “it’s possible I may just blow up again. That’s kind of my trademark.”

Bobby Julich concurred that it would be an outstanding idea to restart the tour, providing he gets six weeks for his wrist to heal (and, presumably, to reconnoiter the course).

 

Liggett, Sherwen React

Well-known commentators Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen were enthusiastic about the idea of restarting the Tour. “You know, I am sick to death of talking about nothing but what an unusual Tour this has been,” remarked Liggett. “Because everyone knows that when I say ‘unusual,’ what I really mean is ‘ridiculous.’ We commentators don’t look too good when we talk about what a strong time trial Leipheimer is going to put in and then he gets passed by a recreational cyclist, you know.”

“Absolutely,” agreed Sherwen. “Let’s erase the tape of the Tour thus far, reach into our suitcase of courage, and start from scratch. From the way these guys have been riding, they can’t be too tired yet.”

 

Floyd Landis Reacts

“You know, most people would probably expect that I wouldn’t want to restart the Tour, since I’m winning it and everything,” said race leader Floyd Landis. “But that’s not the case. I’d love to start over. This time, though, I’ll hire a better mechanic and maybe someone to watch the clock for me, so I ought to be in yellow by the end of stage one. That should be cool.”

 

OLN Scrambles

American broadcaster has had to react quickly, adjusting its schedule and making name changes to the program names.

“Considering that this race has been anything but Cyclismic, we are going to go with something a little more subdued for the series title. We’re thinking “Cyclezzzzz” has a nice ring to it.”

 

PS: Have you sent in your entry to win a trip to the Tour of Utah yet? If you haven’t, click here to do it now.

You have no idea how excited I am to announce that the biggest Fat Cyclist contest ever is now live. I’ve got a banner up on my site, but for those of you who prefer to do your reading RSS-style, here’s the link for you to go enter:

 

 

Entering is really easy: just describe what’s going to be going through racers’ heads as they race Stage 6, the most gruelling stage of an incredibly gruelling race.

 

There’s nothing to buy, no registration to complete. It’s easy.

 

A huge "thanks" to Travis and everyone at the Tour of Utah for putting up with me, doing a cool, highly-unusual contest, and for putting on a really awesome race. I can hardly wait for it to start.

 

Now go enter!

I haven’t been talking much about my weight or fitness lately. Here’s a quick assessment, for those who care: my weight is way too high and I’m having motivation difficulties with dropping that weight, mostly due to a profusion of really good taco stands within walking distance of my office.

My fitness, though, is doing pretty well. This morning, for example, I climbed the Tibble Trail. This is not an easy climb, and most people would have to push most of it.

I, however, cleaned the first mile of this climb today. Meaning I didn’t put a foot down during the most intense mile of an extremely intense climb.

And I kept going.

I cleaned the second big pitch, too. That’s saying something, because the second pitch is even steeper than the first mile, and goes for about a quarter mile.

In other words, my legs are strong, and I’m climbing well.

So I thought, “Well, let’s see if I can clean this whole thing” (I planned to give myself a free pass with regards to the crux move, which is more of a miracle move than a real move right now).

And I kept climbing.

I cleaned the hard, loose pitch at the end of the first meadow. I cleaned everything leading up to the Mill Creek intersection.

And I kept climbing.

The section between the Mill Creek sign and the third meadow is very steep, rooted, and otherwise technical. Cleaning it is never likely, but I was doing well.

That’s when I saw a group of cyclists, descending toward me.

“They’ll yield,” I thought. “They’ll know the rule.”

They got closer.

“They’ll pull over,” I prayed. Surely they could see that I was climbing in a difficult spot and should be given the right of way.

And then the first guy in the group rolled by me, forcing me off the trail and off the bike.

I guess he didn’t know the rule.

 

The Rule

So, for anyone who mountain bikes but perhaps doesn’t intuitively know the rule of who yields to whom, here it is:

 

The climber has the right of way.

 

It’s obvious, really. Who has an easier restart? The guy going downhill. Who’s fighting harder to keep his momentum? The guy going uphill.

Yield to the climber. No exceptions. Any questions?